I'm currently hiding from life in a tin box down the east coast , walked my dogs this evening and there isn't a soul insight hundreds of empty caravans in darkness , so it should be a place of calm with no threats but I still can't relax .
Yesterday I took a drive to a small country town where I planned on looking though some antique/ junk shops for a few bargains , it's somthing I love to do but my unwanted freind anxiety came along for the trip , it just made it no fun , I was tensed up like a coiled spring , my lungs wouldn't operate in a normal fashion so I was constantly aware of my breathing .
I did what I wanted to do which isn't more than some could do but as I drove back I was overcome with a sense of is this as good as it gets ? Every day a struggle to live a basic normal life , the usual intrusive thoughts popped into my head while driving, why not steer into oncoming traffic and not have to go through this shite the next day .
It's been seven years since I boarded the crazy train and each time I've made progress towards having my old life back there has been a big knock back usually family related to keep me aboard.
So my question to you guys ( if you are still reading and haven't thrown yourself into a woodchipper ) is it better to accept this is how I/we are now , people lose limbs , sight , hearing and adapt and carry on , I'm still living in the past how my life was then trying each day to turn the clock back , how many say I just want to feel how I used to ? .
My mind , heart ,lungs muscles all seem to be at odds with each other there is no harmony just constant pain and tension .
Hiding and avoiding confrontation is not me and It bothers me greatly to keep quiet when somthing is clearly wrong , not stepping up plays hard on my conscience but life is full of problems and confrontation.
So keep on fighting what seems an impossible battle or accept this is as good as it gets ? And just make do with how things are now .
Sorry for the depressing rant I might have cabin fever , or worse