As good as it gets .

[Carnation]

I've been buzzing for several weeks and if it carries on I'll just have to make some honey. ����

[Buster70]

Since my last post it’s been a struggle but still alive and kicking , we scattered my mums ashes under a tree at a lake where she grew up just a few of there but the right ones that mattered , even though I’m looking at the ashes I still couldn’t quite take in that she’d gone for good .
My brother hasn’t been doing too well , he insisted on having that bloody rope back and in the end I just gave it to him after a talk about him not doing it , he said he’d had it a long time and hadn’t done it , since then he’s been in agony with a tooth abscess and back ache, his girlfriend told me today he’s getting depressed and suicidal again , I had a talk with him but under lockdown I can’t even go in his house .
Partner got over the food poisoning but is still struggling with bigger meals , she’s also been ill with a bad cold , this seems to have pushed her over the edge and now she’s also depressed, I can see why , she’s in constant pain with her knee and ill more than not , I know her vitamin D is low so I keep trying to get her to take it but it does cause friction me reminding her everyday.
I still don’t feel Ive been able to grieve because of trying to sort everyone else out , I do feel very low myself and being in this new useless lockdown is making me more lonely, we did have one good night before lockdown a small garden birthday party for my grandson , bonfire , burgers , hotdogs and kareoke from me and my granddaughter singing very loud and very badly for all the neighbours to hear , I really didn’t want that night to end it took me away for a while from the doom and gloom , we can’t have them round now so I am missing them .
Hope everyone is getting on ok and hope that buzzing buzzed off Carnation, it comes and goes with me but it’s more annoying than worrying now .
Thanks, bye x

[fishman65]

Good to see you here and posting Buster. When this year is over, you will look back on it as probably about the worst in your life. And yet as you say, you're alive and kicking. Which says to me you have a hell of a lot of hidden strength. You continue to keep your loved ones under close observation and care, if only that could be reciprocated once in a while. You don't ask for it though, more testament to that hidden strength. Enjoy those magic moments, the lockdown is hitting everyone hard but of course you know this. Take care mate and keep each other safe.

[Buster70]

Feeling very low today , went to sleep late and woke up early as usual , laying in the dark awake gives you far to much time to think and over analyse life .
last week was a struggle the stress and upset really took it of me on my body , for two days I was so tensed up I couldn’t take a deep breath because the pain was so bad .
I feel so lonely, Partner seems very distant but that could be me being needy , I’m always comforting her and asking for a hug or cuddle but it seems very one way , she’s off to bed early and up at the crack of dawn , since lockdown we haven’t seen the grandkids which I miss greatly, my daughter had her MS infusion last week and has gone to her boyfriends to recuperate, she’s moving away at the end of the week so we’ll see her even less but I’m happy for her that she’s found someone who she seems happy with .
My brother has been keeping busy doing up his new home which I take as a good sign , a lot of relatives are ringing him up to make sure he’s ok , no one has rang to see how I’m doing even my partner and daughters don’t ask , I don’t know if it’s because they think I’m strong enough to deal with it or maybe I’m just not very approachable, who knows .
So its gone seven I’ll get up walk the dogs , pick up the shite and traipse through mud which sums up my life , it may sound self absorbed but I wish some one would just ask are you ok other than a stranger on the internet, I feel like I’m a bad person who doesn’t deserve anything good .

[pulisa]

Have you thought what you'd say if she asked you how you are feeling? Would you say you were "fine"? Would she be receptive to anything negative from you?

[Buster70]

I really don’t know what I would say probably just ok to save bothering .
i watched the sun come up this morning it was very beautiful and it made me think of how we take everything for granted , there will be a last time for everything the last time we see the sun rise and set , last Christmas my daughters dumped us at the last minute to spend their Christmas together but with hindsight I realise that I spent my last Christmas with my mum not knowing at the time , maybe it was meant to be that way , we should all make the most of everything dear to us but instead we stress and worry over things that mean nothing and will be old news tomorrow.
hope this photo loads up it was stunning and I was the only one around to see it

[Carnation]

Hi Buster,

You sound very low in yourself. Yes, more than usual.
Although with the lock down and the winter months, it's a sure bet that most of us feel a little down.
And you have to allow yourself to still grieve over your mum. This takes time and I found I was more sad months down the line as opposed to immediately, especially as there is so much going on to keep you occupied.
So don't worry about days when you are feeling tearful, it's perfectly natural and healthy to feel that way.
Christmas is going to be a straw one for everyone this year. And it's probably crossed your mind on how you will or will not celebrate it.
Do what you feel comfortable with Buster. There's no rulebook for Christmas, especially now.
But somehow I think you might be putting a few baubles on the trees on your walks.
And remember, with all you've been through this year, you're still standing! Just like Elton John says it.

[fishman65]

I really don’t know what I would say probably just ok to save bothering .
i watched the sun come up this morning it was very beautiful and it made me think of how we take everything for granted , there will be a last time for everything the last time we see the sun rise and set , last Christmas my daughters dumped us at the last minute to spend their Christmas together but with hindsight I realise that I spent my last Christmas with my mum not knowing at the time , maybe it was meant to be that way , we should all make the most of everything dear to us but instead we stress and worry over things that mean nothing and will be old news tomorrow.
hope this photo loads up it was stunning and I was the only one around to see it

Buster that's a gorgeous photo, seriously. I'll respond to your post this evening as I've got an anxiety-inducing task first. Take care mate.

[AntsyVee]

FM stole what I was going to say :P What lake is that? So serene...

[pulisa]

You sound so desolate, sad and lonely, Buster. What do you think it would take for her to take notice of you?