As good as it gets .

[Buster70]

Hi all , still shaking that bush , it’s been a couple of years since i started this thread doesn’t time fly when you’re having fun , or so I’m told , at the time I asked what if this is as good as it gets , do you accept that’s your life and just get on with it or give up ,at that time I felt like I couldn’t take another day but you find the strength some how and plod on , looking back I would be quite happy to just have the problems I had then , since then my mum has become completely reliant on my brother to do pretty much everything for her , she has dementia which is driving him to suicidal thoughts , my daughter now has been given the unwanted gift of ms which seems to have changed her personality and not for the better , my other daughter now suffers with anxiety not helped by the covid worry , my partner and I seem to argue and make up at least once a week and yesterday she went into hospital with stomach pains and they are now deciding wether to remove her gall bladder , she had this a couple of years ago and they left it but now it’s flared up again, so just waiting at home as I can’t go in the hospital with her .
So come back 2018 all is forgiven , I was kind of hoping to come back on here as a success story of how I got my shit together and beat anxiety but if you ever read this thread and it has a happy ending on my part you’ll know my account has been hacked .
right I’ll sod orf and stop depressing you and I hope you guys are doing better in some small way .
Ta Ta .

[fishman65]

Hi Buster, glad to hear you're still in the land of the living mate. The trials of life are still pretty much testing you I see. That must be very difficult for your brother, can you get any respite care for your Mum? On the gall bladder issue, Mrs F had hers removed in 2014 and was kept in overnight as a precaution. Obviously her stay wasn't complicated by Covid back then, but its a very straightforward procedure.

As for your anxiety, you can only do as much as you think you can manage. Though of course anxiety thrives on stressful circumstances. Try to take each day as it comes, I know this advice is one big cliche but sometimes that's all we have left. Take good care of yourself.

[Buster70]

Hi Fish , seems we’re living some sort of parallel lives , I guess a lot of people are , we look at others and think they have charmed lives but behind closed doors very few have , the chance of my bro letting someone else look after mum are pretty much zero , my daughter seems more accepting of her illness and is getting out more which is good , life doesn’t hang around waiting while you worry about what might be , partner is still in constant pain time will tell is she has to have the opp , it might calm down again if she ever decides to rest up .
Still working and running myself into the ground trying to be omnipresent, last Friday being a good example, working in the ridiculous heat which as you know is no friend to me , I come home to a gaggle of women on the street ( is gaggle the pc term ? ) Anyway partner was in the house in a state , the drunk neighbour had gone in hospital and left her dog home alone , so they were all gathering around a couldren trying to come up with a spell to save the dog , failing that they’d called the rspca , so having a good day I said I’m having a sandwich and drink because I’m hot and hungry then I’ll sort it , I went over climbed up and managed to persuade a window to open , squeezed my tubby arthritic body through the window ( probably with very little grace ) while the ungrateful dog was barking at me , once in I gave it some fuss and water and let the others in through the door , job done and off home for an ice lolly in front of a fan ( the spinning type not someone wearing a Buster t shirt and cheering me on ) anyway it got me thinking what a bad time it is to be a man god forgive a middle aged white man or spawn of the devil as we are now portrayed by the media , I grew up with black and white kids as friends , the first girl I kissed was black and the first lad that punched me in the face was black , I didn’t rape or murder anyone in the 80s , i don’t hate lesbians , I’m not sure why we all get tarred with the same brush but it does seem it’s the time of man shaming probably why so many take their lives trying to live up to impossible expectations, in my past I’ve rescued a neighbour from a house fire a woman and baby from a car crash a lad off a train crossing who I’d previously beaten in a school fight ( how ironic ) and now a dog , not wanting to blow my own trumpet but for a guy who once left a post office queue because I was panicking I might die for some unknown reason I’m actually a handy person to have around , men are not all bad we do still have our uses like taking lids off beetroot jars and reverse parking cars , lets hear it for the boys
Another Saturday night alone just me a can of beer and the two sleeping dogs , some days I get fed up with life some days I don’t, I would say covid doesn’t worry me anymore but the less I care the happier I am and that goes for life in general.
Catch you laterzzz .

[Buster70]

The last few days have been a struggle it seems doom and gloom are my only friends , even the regular dog walkers I chat to in the mornings have commented what a misery I am I guess they expect to find me dangling from tree one morning ( it’s always dog walkers that find bodies ) so to recap on the last few days , Friday went to mums , she’s not well at all now and my brother is struggling to look after her they decided to sell the house and live in a rented house with downstairs bathroom my worry was that they’d soon run out of money but looking at it now it’s better they are more comfortable and spend the money to have some enjoyment, I always leave them feeling low and guilty , in the afternoon I went to buy some bits off an old chap , it turned out his wife had just died and he’s clearing out , we had a chat about her and it came across that he doesn’t want to carry on without her and wished he’d gone first .Saturday as always I get up and ask partner how she is , the answer she’s in pain and wants to die , there is very little I can say or do that will make any difference as this has been the case for so long , later came the gift of mail and a phone call , the first I dropped at my daughters not wanting to tell her as I knew it was a hospital letter , it turned out to be the dreaded diagnosis letter , it confirmed she has MS , we pretty much knew this was the case but in black white it upset us all especially my daughter who had been doing so much better , I try to convince her that her life isn’t over but it is going to be different , the phone call was the hospital to arrange an endoscopy for my partner this week to see why she’s in so much pain , at the night we had the kids round but she was in too much pain to spend any time with them , we spent to night camped in the shed watching tv , my daughter even cane round for a while .Sunday , got up and went in , partner was crying in pain so I took the kids home , they were upset at going but also upset at seeing her so ill, later I had to nip out and see yet another old chap who this time turned out to be clearing out because he’d just had part of his liver removed , this is my general clientele old folks getting ready to croak but I always spend a little time with them .Back home I dropped a few bits at my lock up while panicking because my partner wasn’t picking up the phone or answering messages ( phones are no friend to anxiety ) Anyway while there I saw a chap I know and his wife , he had a cast type thing on his foot and said he couldn’t drive anymore , I asked what he’d done and he said “ you don’t want to know “ I should have left it at that but said “ unless you’ve had it chopped off surely you’ll be able to drive again , turned out he’d had sepsis and had had his toes taken off , again I didn’t shut my big mouth and said you normally only get that with diabetes, and again yes it’s from diabetes which I didn’t know he had , his wife then said they’d had a rotten lockdown she’d been diagnosed breast cancer and there dog had died , I went away thinking why the hell do I talk to people , People seem to think covid has cancelled every other illness out but it bloody well hasn’t .It my sound selfish but I’m struggling to cope with everything around me falling apart, I have to listen and try to sort everyone’s problems while being in pain myself and getting very little sleep, no one ever asks how I’m doing and god forbid I should say .On days like this the thought of seeing my loved ones so unhappy and poorly does put the thought of ending my life in my head constantly , I see opportunities to do so in so many places , it’s like a film I just don’t want to see the end of , I guess I’m just wallowing in self pity.THE END .

[Buster70]

Today I will be mostly worrying about ,,,,,,,,, it’s occurred to me that if it’s a thing I may well have a worry addiction, like crack cocaine or chocolate but much cheaper and more readily available and you can be your own dealer which is handy when you fancy a worry in the middle of the night , the reason I’ve self diagnosed this is when my daughter was told she most likely has ms at the start of lockdown and had split with her long term boyfriend I was worried sick at what might happen she hardly went out and sat crying most days , this went on for several months , over the last few weeks she started going out more and tried online dating , so I’ve been telling her all along she should be out enjoying life and now she is I’m even more worried , she’s met a chap who’s a fair bit older , she’s alway out at her friends , we hardly see her , I don’t think she even went home over the weekend, I should be over the moon but the little worry factory in my head keeps thinking what if she gets hurt in some way , is this just a protective dad thing or maybe nearly losing her before and now her new diagnosis has made me over protective.
Anyway partner was in hospital Friday for her endoscopy ( Friday night out in the city yay , yeah they do them at night now as well ) she has a hytus hernia as well as the gall bladder problem , surprisingly that didn’t worry me too much .
Were hoping to get down the coast soon for break once it’s quietened down , It does concern me a bit with the covid situation but being at home I see the grandkids and my daughters one of which is back at work so we’re at risk here or there so might as well be beside the seaside beside the sea .
I do sometimes wonder in my paranoid state if I’ve outstayed my welcome on here like a straggler after a party who moves in with you rather than go home but it’s my go to place to dump all the rubbish in my overcrowded mind like a fly tipper dumping a dirty mattress and broken fridge in a beauty spot after dark , and at the very least I do wear a face covering and hand sanitise before and after I come on here practising safe venting.
ok got to go before I get busted for dumping , you ain’t seen me right

[Buster70]

Think I’m talking to myself now , not sure what I did to freeze myself out but I am pretty annoying so it could be any of a number things , any way had planned a holiday starting tomorrow I’d waited for months looking forward to it but mum has taken ill and went into hospital , partner went nuts because I said maybe wait a few days to see how she is , things escalated very quickly and I’m now out down a lane in the van again , in tears asking what’s the bloody point , everything I hold dear has fallen apart and I can’t put it back together, I wish someone would walk by and ask are ok but it’s dark now and not going to happen

[fishman65]

Sorry Buster, I'm not sure you've been frozen out but I think a lot of people are preoccupied with a very worrying situation that seems to be stepping into another gear again. I myself have had my head buried in the Covid section of NMP since about February. I'm really sorry to hear about your Mum. Has your brother been looking after her still? Your situation is another stark reminder that other issues continue whether there is a pandemic or not. My Dad has rallied to a degree but another dose of social isolation might just be the straw that breaks the camel's back. Mrs F is another concern and you would understand that with your partner having her own health problems. Go back and try to talk to her but at the same time know that some things are beyond your control, you're not superhuman and people around you need to recognise that. Take care mate and feel free to PM me.

[Carnation]

You're not talking to yourself Buster, I always read your posts and so do many others.
What you are going through is 'Life'. Well, that's what my mum used to say to me. Yes, problems do seem to come altogether. Yes, responsibilities lay on your shoulders. Yes, life gets harder as you get older.
But, you have to dust yourself down, but on a brave face, put one foot in front of the other and carry on!
But there's always someone to listen and to care. xx

[Buster70]

I appreciate your comments my self confidence is so low I feel I’m not worth bothering with just a waste of time and space , anxiety does make you selfish like you are the only one with problems but I deal with different people each week and most are not living the charmed lives that they appear to .
Ive been pinning all my hopes on this make or break holiday to try and fix our relationship because I’ve known for long time I still want to be close to her but she doesn’t feel the same , I’m not sure if the menopause is making her more fragile and likely to erupt over the slightest thing I say .
My brother is still caring for my mum but hes struggling to cope with the dementia side she keeps him awake all night asking questions, her breathing has become very bad due to her drooping neck , last night she somehow managed to ring me on her mobile which she hasn’t done since last year , she was crying and asking where she was , why and how she’d got there , it was heart breaking and I know if she gos into care that’s how she’d feel all the time .
My partner has a real problem with my mum because my mum was pretty horrible when we were younger and I didn’t stand up to defend my partner because I’d upset my mum .
The situation I’m in feel like a living hell walking through a minefield blind folded , fate seems to know when you’re at your wits end so it throws another problem just at the worst time , I do feel suicidal a lot but I don’t think I have the bottle to go through with it so no way out .
Sorry for thinking I’d been dumped on here I just think the worst of everything right now .
Im not sure on the plan for today , if mum is reasonably ok in hospital would it be bad to try and get my partner to still go away ? Or am I try to push her into staying with someone she no longer loves ? I would forgive her anything but she carry’s all of the past problems with her .
Sorry for being a whiny pain in the arse .
Take care , hope today is a better day.x

[Buster70]

Who’d have thought three letters could bring your world crashing down but today’s call to the hospital broke me , my mum has pneumonia so won’t be coming out today as hoped , the Dr said she’d be taken to a ward for elderly patients and to be prepared as a lot can go down hill very quickly, the letters I’m referring to are DNR , being asked if you have an end of life care plan and wether you’d like your mother to be resuscitated isn’t something me and my bro had anticipated, we had a talk and agree she has very little quality of life so should it come to that we don’t want to prolong her suffering, I’m welling up again thinking about it , she’s so confused and scared , with our dad it was different he was young and didn’t get he was gone in the blink of an eye .
Im thinking of going down the coast tomorrow, it’s paid for and we both agree there is nothing we can do , we can’t even visit because of covid , it wouldn’t matter if I were on the freakin’ moon I’d be no more useful , if she does deteriorate quickly I can be home in a couple of hours but even then it will just to be with my brother .
Its a cruel world we live in and this year has been horrendous for so many , I will probably feel guilty for going but what’s new I might as well feel guilty looking at the sea .
Time will tell .