As good as it gets .

[fishman65]

Buster, first off your post isn't self pitying. You are airing some very authentic and relevant feelings regarding your partner and how you feel about your relationship with her. Saying she has wasted her life with you is a particularly cruel and unnecessary thing to say. You could reverse that and throw it back at her but my money is on you being too decent a bloke.

I'm assuming she knows about how alcohol affects you. If so, she should be considering your feelings regarding any party, not to mention inviting all your old mates. The expectation for you to get drunk would weigh heavily, especially as they know nothing of your anxiety. Unless of course you told them but then you run the risk of the blank looks, the platitudes about getting a grip etc. Anxiety does indeed impact hugely on our lives, which to reiterate, your partner really should understand. I'm not sure how you can get out of this bash she wants. You say she deserves to be happy, well yes but so do you. And if she really respected you then she would work with you and not against. You deserve better mate, much better. Look after yourself.

[Darksky]

My idea of hell would be a great big birthday bash too, so you're by no means alone.

Cant you just tell your old pals that you don't drink anymore. If they laugh it off and take the mick, can't you make up some cobblers about 'doctors orders'.
This is in the front of your mind because it's new. The passage of time will push it back and you will find it doesnt spike your anxiety. There's a lot of water got to go under the bridge before next year, as my mother would say.

you are a lovely man Buster, never, ever forget that. Have some more Bluebells

[Carnation]

There is a way of being there on your own, in your own space and staying out of the way of boozing.
Be the DJ.
You might even enjoy it and keep partner happy.

[Buster70]

Hi , the ken for the replies , the drinking is an issue but just being there is the main problem , I will go over and over it thinking worst case scenario until it makes me ill , I feel trapped in these situations and need to know I can leave but that’s not an option .
Today has been horrendous, we have been arguing and she brings up the worst things she can to hurt me because she’s hurting , she seems to think I want to feel this way but that couldn’t be further from the truth, she’s now decided we arnt going away and it’s over between us , she says I should have said nothing and kept it to myself how I feel , kind of wish I had it’s only made things worse .the more I try to explain the worse it gets to a point where she’s talking suicide , it probably would be better for me to be gone and let her be happy alone .
Im not sure people are ready for me to be DJ carnation my music taste is eclectic to say the least , most people wouldn’t follow Dolly parton with Metallica .
Take care I’ll come back when my funny bone is fixed .

[Magic]

Sending love to you Buster. Hope things improve

[Buster70]

Thank you Magic , I know things have to change we can't go on doing this to each other , I went to bed destroyed by the things she said to me yesterday and Ive woken up at five feeling the same way , I just want it all to stop , I want to stop thinking .
Hope you are looking after yourself Magic .

[Carnation]

Buster this so called party is next year!!!!
A lot can happen between now and then.
It's also your partners party, not yours and she obviously needs something to focus on, especially as she suffers from depression.
Yeah, I get that you are not keen and there are a dozen excuses for you not being there and maybe she shouldn't have mentioned it to your old drinking buddies. But it seems she wants a bit of her life back how it use to be.
You've both changed and as a couple something has happened to you both in the process.
Maybe you shouldn't have jumped the gun and thought it through with how you were going to tackle it. You sure do have enough time.
It seems your partner needs people and you don't.
There are lots of couples like that.
I think you are gonna have to think about this. You could have even said you were planning to take her away or was organising a surprise yourself.
Your partner will only see at the moment, he's not interested and not realise how deeply it all affects you. x

[Magic]

Yes thank you Buster, I am trying my best to send you hugs. The damn things won't come up Keep going that's the main thing x

[Buster70]

Hi , I know it makes no sense to overthink things that are so far ahead , I could be hit by a bus tomorrow, my anxiety issues make no sense to me , the way it will pan out is I overthink it , then I start to put it to the back of my mind then it gets brought up again ,repeat , I’ve gone through this a few times before over family do’s and once my partner gets the idea she will bring it up every day and want my opinion on things , the weird thing is she doesn’t really like people , she doesn’t see any of her old freinds just one woman off the street and she doesn’t see her by choice , she has fallen out with her sisters long ago and only talks to one brother , to make it even dafter I’m the social one who talks to everyone and anyone , I just don’t like them all in one place for several hours with no escape , I always need to know I can walk away .
writing it down makes it seem even more irrational but then that’s the nature of the beast .
Its what she wants I have no right to deny her it , I will go and I will worry myself sick for no good reason , nuts aren’t I ?
I’m still struggling with the new site Magic , things just disappear like magic , Magic .

[pulisa]

So she has a go at you for your anxiety but then takes diazepam herself every day because..... she likes the taste of it? And is planning a big party despite her own anxiety and despite the fact that she falls out with people easily?