As good as it gets .

[fishman65]

Buster, I'm sorry you are still struggling though pleased to see your humour is still very much intact. I've seen those 'Panic' lorries too and wondered whether the boss is a sufferer. I love your decorating of a random tree, that shows a caring trait that we all know you possess, wishing to share something with others. I think we can take comfort from the simple things in life when events and our problems can seem overwhelming. Keep at it buddy.

[Buster70]

It’s been a funny few days , Friday came an unexpected windfall which I shared with my family, as a thank you they all decided a pub lunch for all of us was in order, ok not the best news for an anxiety nut but I do like spending time with them so agreed , so feeling flush I thought I’d go buy a few new clothes , I’m usually a scruff but with a good scrub up and new clothes I can almost pass as presentable in the right light .
So off this morning to the shops bright and early , several times in and out of very unflattering bright changing rooms I came to the conclusion that I suffer with body dyslexia, I think I’m fit but actually fat , ok at 6’2 and 16 stone I’m not getting a place in the freak show at the circus but clothes seem to be made for short slim people, as left the changing room tear running down my chubby cheek I knew the only option was back of the rack for the xxl , as I struggled to get to the dark place at the back where said items are kept the whole rack collapsed coming off the wall bringing down the next two rows , id say around 60 items on the floor , rather than run I told the skinny assistant what I’d done to which she said “ awww were you trying to get fat man clothes you should cut down on the pork life mate get some exercise “ ok she didn’t actually say that but my internal monologue did .
I did find some clothes and got scrubbed up , my partner said I looked really nice and I told her she did too , we had a really nice time at the pub and for the first time in ages I laughed a lot and felt no anxiety except a small wobble when I cut my daughter up to get out of the car park first and couldn’t stop laughing, how can laughing bring on panic ? .
Those panic lorries are not usually around just yet they normally deliver Christmas panic on Christmas Eve to unfortunates like us and men who’ve left the Christmas shopping until the last minute , they are actually filled with boxes of panic , I know this because I once stepped out in front of one and could feel a sense of panic approaching as if something bad was about to happen .
Jobs for tomorrow include putting Derrecks Santa hat on ( couldn’t just treat myself ) and replacing a few baubles on the woodland tree after some Grinch shot some , they are definitely on the naughty list but they won’t crush my spirit .
Thanks for replying to my ramblings

[Carnation]

Pleased to hear a more positive Buster

[fishman65]

Buster that's not fat by any means. I'm a similar height but 4 stones heavier than you. Now that's fat!!

[Buster70]

Then you you fish are only left with big and tall shops or maternity wear , people are getting bigger and taller but the shops only cater for oompah loompas .
yesterday would have been a lot of people on here’s nightmare , the school play , I’d forgotten it was my granddaughters play which she had made clear “ you’re Coming wether you like it or not “ forgetting about it was a blessing no time to advance worry , my daughter got us there early so front seats and packed in ( not ideal ) perched on a tiny school chair I settled in like an elephant plonking it’s bum on a thimble, next to me was woman with a new born baby so no room manoeuvre but surprisingly I felt ok and watching my granddaughter singing and playing her part so confidently on stage I felt overwhelmed with pride , ok after an hour and a half my arse had gone numb and drinking a cup of tea before I went was a bad move , anxiety makes you self centred but every now and then you have to think of others and put yourself through the mill a little .
Today I came across an absolute dick which has left me overthinking this evening , walking this afternoon through a nature reserve with my grandkids and dogs we were on a private road that’s a public right of way but is also access to work site ,further down the road we could see a workman in a car wheel spinning and driving towards us very fast , I told partner to take a photo as it’s happened before , he slowed to go past then stopped and half got out saying “ got a problem ?” So I stopped turned and shouted at him slow ****ing down there are kids and dogs here , the brave soul he was he stayed in his car said “ I’m not going to hit them right down there “ pulled his brave leg back in and drove off , this should seem a victory for not just saying nothing but it bothered me my heart was thumping out of my chest , back in the day I would have been right in his face but now confrontation is not good for me , If I say nothing I’ll beat myself up if I say something I might actually get beaten up , I’ve had plenty of beatings in the past but they are nothing like the going over I give myself .
Im not sure what to right thing is to do is anymore , one day the rain will come and wash away all the scum .

[Buster70]

Today I’m admitting defeat ,my Christmas spirit is officially crushed, the baubles on the tree in the woods got smashed and now my daughters have upset me and my partner who is now taking it out on me , for the last few years my older daughters partner who is an absolute sulky t@@t has avoided us like the plague and insists it’s just them and the grandkids at Christmas we don’t even get invited into the house to give the kids their presents they have to come here ( he does let his own family in but he’s not much better with them) now after we’ve helped our daughters out so much through the year our younger daughter has said she’s going to my other daughters for Christmas because dickhead has invited her , leaving just two of us and a big turkey , I feel heart broken and betrayed by them and now agree with my partner we should have just gone away for Christmas, I haven’t thrown the tree in the bin yet but I do feel like it .
Bah humbug .
Hope you guys have a nice Christmas though .

[Carnation]

Ahh, the joys of Christmas.
I'm not surprised you and your partner are fed up.
It means a lot to the both of you to have the family round.
There's so much pressure put on Christmas Day and it makes everyone too emotional and on edge.
So it's the two of you. I say make the most of it, do as you please. I know you both want the kids there and they probably want to be with you. Let them come to you and make a celebration of when they do.
It sounds like your daughter is easily swayed, but believe me, she will feel guilty afterwards, not you.
As for going away, deep down, I don't think that is what you wanted. Any other time but Christmas, because I fear if you were away you wouldn't feel right about being away for Christmas.
Maybe bite the bullet and offer them to come Boxing day, you can still use the turkey.
If not, make it special for the two of you.
As for the baubles, the weather may have destroyed them, but it does stop the human hand from replenishing. I'm sure other walkers must be sad at the sight too. x

[fishman65]

Buster, this kind of situation is being played out all over the 'Christmas celebrating' world. There is such pressure to conform to the establishment's idealised version of Christmas, fuelled by the media. TV adverts by the big supermarkets portray big family get togethers, filmed in soft focus with every family member laughing in ecstasy. There are no arguments in this perfect world, no burnt turkeys, no flu viruses or people with anxiety. And every year we buy into it.

Like Carnation says, enjoy Christmas your own way. Make it your day, just the two of you and sod the rest.

[pulisa]

Amen to that..

I'll certainly be having an "Alternative" Christmas this year but then it's like that every year. I think you should please yourself, Buster and let the rest of your family get on with it.

[Mrsmitchell1984]

Yes I am jumping in to agree too- I feel like Christmas can be an extremely hard time for someone with anxiety as the pressure to be happy and relaxed (and socialise) is even more intense. I can’t wait until everything goes back to normal x