As good as it gets .

[Buster70]

You’re right Fish I do feel like I have to be there for everyone but myself , I could do with a little me time , I’m not sure I even know how to do that anymore , thanks.

[Carnation]

Buster, it's more common than you realise. Not crying at the funeral. I didn't at my dad's funeral.
There's a inner switch that you may have kept together for the sake of dealing with everyone else. But your time will come when the floods open.
No matter what your responsibilities for the day, you should try and fit in a daily walk. It's so good for processing the mind.
At least your partner is out of danger for the time being but there will always be something in life to stress over.
I often think of when I was younger, I didn't have a care in the world and little responsibilities. How life changes as you get older.
Your mum is at peace now no more suffering. That's how you have to look at it. And she would want you to live your life now with as much happiness as possible. x

[pulisa]

Buster, you say you haven't mourned but you already have, many times over, for the loss of your mum as she was.

You should be proud of yourself for giving your mum such a wonderful send off which was appreciated by everyone attending. Remember this when you are next beating yourself up?

[Pamplemousse]

Sounds like you did a brilliant job, Buster.

I held my head high at Mrs. PM's funeral and kept it together for the guests with big smiles, laughs and jokes - the service was split into three effectively for certain reasons.

It was when I was alone I let go, and in spades.

[Buster70]

I’ve lost a lot of friends and family over the years but it’s been twenty years since my dad went and close relatives are so much harder to deal with , I drove up to the crematorium this afternoon to look at the flowers and read the cards , I was ok until I read one from my brother saying we never said love you mum but we did with all our hearts , we weren’t brought up huggy and never really said how we felt certainly not with dad he’d have p**sed himself , looking back now it’s sad we were like that I felt loved and loved my mum and dad it’s just a shame we couldn’t have said it , with my grandkids we do hug and say we love them ( a bit less often with covid ) I had a cry only while my partner gave me some space , I also said a few things that should have been said while she was alive , I am thankful for the few times I spent with her last year when she talked about when she was young and I held her hand for while , I’ll cherish that memory .
Im not sure how my brother is doing some days okay others not ,it’s such a big life change for him , they were supposed to go away this weekend for my mums upcoming birthday , I’ve tried to convince him to go and we planned on going too , partner is still very poorly she can’t eat and if she does she’s back in pain and running to the loo , she’s so stubborn keeping on cleaning and insisting on coming out to walk the dogs in the afternoon, asking her to rest falls on deaf ears , I’d like to go away one last time this year .
Just the ashes to pick up and scatter and the other half of the bill to pay then it’s all done a life lived and passed .
Again thank you all for helping me yet again through a difficult time , I know it’s not over but I’ve done what I can for now , when I do feel better I’d like to give some time back to this site maybe helping someone else through a hard time , let’s face it I have a fair bit of experience with the crap life and mental illness can throw at you , if anyone reading this is going through similar feel free to message me or post on this thread , I know a lot read in silence not daring to post incase they look like some kind of loony , I felt like that to start with now I fully accept I’m loony .
Take care x .

[AntsyVee]

I'm glad you got through the funeral, Buster. As others have said, numbness is common. Sometimes our minds and hearts can only take so much at a time. You can't solve this grief for your brother; you can only be supportive and the rest he has to process on his own and in his own time. My guess that your spouse is also grieving for your mom. Keeping busy might be her way of handling it.

Take care of yourself.

[Buster70]

Feeling very low today I know the depression is itching to take hold , I just feel very alone , I didn’t get much support in dealing with my mums death and because my partner has been unwell I feel like I’ve been on my own since the funeral, she started to pick up yesterday and managed to eat something, a neighbour has gone into hospital so this morning she’s gone out first thing to look after her dog , I’ve slept alone and just crave a hug but the dog came first , I feel tearful so I’ll take our dogs out and do small talk with strangers as usual .

[Carnation]

You will feel alone Buster, you are experiencing grief.
Walks and being outside will help to clear your head.
Just take one day at a time and maybe think about that next trip to the coast. x

[fishman65]

I agree with Carnation Buster, take the van to the coast for a day or two. I think its also important to keep talking to your family, grief can be a very lonely experience but sharing it with others around you lets both yourself and them know you are not alone.

Keep posting here too buddy, we are with you in spirit and in our thoughts.

[Buster70]

Today would have been my mums birthday, ironic that I now remember the year and date through filling in forms when before I always had to check , I’m back down the coast had a bit of a nightmare getting somewhere to stay because some shite double booked us and then said we couldn’t go at the last minute , my brother is also down here on a holiday he booked with my mum months ago , I can tell he’s also feeling lonely and he’s been round a few times and we’ve met up while I was walking the dogs down the beach , we met today to put some flowers on the promenade, I picked a nice place I walk to where you get a good view of the sun coming up .
Partner still isn’t too well even after over a week she tires easily but we are doing things together , I’m still struggling to take it in that she’s gone , I sort of think she’s just somewhere else and I’ll be able to go and see her , I’ve just got back from walking the dogs and I went to where the flowers are , it was pitch black now the nights are drawing in but I felt quite calm and had a chat with her , I told her I’d look after my bro and I do feel quite close to him right now .
A day at a time eh ? See you later .x