As good as it gets .

[Buster70]

Still waiting for that good day but we live in hope , went out with the younger dog this morning in the snow , something I usually love but it wasn’t quite the same today , even walking slowly on the frozen puddles to crack the ice didn’t have its usual appeal, shame you can’t take a brain holiday and just not think for a while , I suppose there are reality tv shows where people seem to do just that but the rest of us have no escape.
Last of the summer wine reminds me of Sunday evenings , weekend is over time for a bath ready for school the next day , not a good thought I wasn’t a fan of school , I’m 50 as well , the babies of baby boomers after the war , we will be remembered as the folk that wrecked the world .
I had my last proper melt down nearly ten years ago brought on by stress then a bad reaction to antidepressants but if I’m honest I’ve never been the full ticket , I think that melt down was the equivalent to dropping your phone down the bog , there a chance it might work again but it will probably never be the same .
I miss the coast so much and looking at the news I don’t know when we’ll get there again but I know we’ll get there again some sunny day , some sunnneee dayyy .
Got a long drive in the morning to drop something off so I’ll sign off and talk again soon .

[Pamplemousse]

I think that melt down was the equivalent to dropping your phone down the bog , there a chance it might work again but it will probably never be the same.

Years ago in a previous job I had to repair two-way radios that'd been down bogs - our first question was "before or after?" If the answer was "after" the next question was "ones or twos?". I also - when they were a phenomenally expensive thing - repaired a VHS machine that a dog had pissed in...

Still, not as bad as a mate who worked for the Home Office, having to repair Storno walkie-talkies covered in blood when they'd been used as a truncheon...

[Buster70]

Really struggling today , Partner has been unwell for the last two weeks suspected tonsillitis after sending photos to the docs who seem to still be hiding , she seemed to be getting better but has now gone downhill again , the last two days she was in a bad mood over something as daft as the thought that I might not do anything special for Valentine’s Day because I said I hadn’t thought about it when asked , this blew up into an argument which I could really do without, I’m not sure if it’s the menopause or being ill so much but I hate the tension .
Being just the two of us now since daughter moved away it’s making me feel very alone in coping , I would talk to my daughter but now I have no one , I still feel weepy at least once a day about my mum but my partner didn’t get on with her so if I try and tell her how I’m feeling she either shuts down completely or says it’s my fault for not grieving and bottling it up , my mum wasn’t good to her when we were younger especially if she didn’t get her own way so I do understand but I did desperately wanted them to make up before she died , my partner did try to help her on quite a few occasions and my mum used to talk very fondly of her but I guess she had forgotten how she’d treated her before .
This Morning I walked the dogs down the flooded river Trent it was a beautiful morning and sunrise but all I could think was one step off the bank and it all stops , I feel like I’m living in my own personal nightmare, got home to partner saying she needs a covid test as she’s coughing a lot and her chest hurts , I too her temp which was normal so it’s probably another chest infection , not good either , maybe stepping off that bank wasn’t t such a bad idea , not seeing my daughters or grandkids is torture just day in day out of the same trudging through sludge , normally there would be a glimmer of hope that come spring we’d be off down the coast but I have no idea when things will get better with covid going on , there seems no end to it , I used to be shit scared of dying now I’m scared of living .
Sorry for the depressing moan just sat alone with the dogs feeling sorry for myself , anyone else feeling this way ?
Boo boo for now .x

[fishman65]

Hi Buster. I'm really sorry you're feeling this way mate. I think you've got a combination of factors coming together to make your situation feel pretty dire. That's stating the obvious I know. If we think along the lines of January being a pretty grim month even when you take the rest of it away. But if you add on the pandemic, losing your Mum and your daughter moving out, that's a lot to be dealing with. And lockdown magnifies the feeling of isolation, at least you won't be alone in that.

I think with your partner, a good chunk of what you're hearing is down to how she's feeling. And with GPs still hiding, it can make you feel as though you're in this alone. I get that often with Mrs F, in constant pain with the crohns and there's only so many times you can express sympathy before you start feeling helpless. It sounds like she needs ABs, has the doctor even spoken to her? The Valentines Day question, it might feel important to her. So maybe humour her and chat about having a nice meal together? Home cooked food or maybe a nice takeaway?

That walking the dogs, I should maybe jump in the car and drive up to you with Lexie in tow. We could walk our dogs and be miserable together. Though for me I've patched things up with my daughter, she wasn't talking to me for a good while. But she now has a room rented with en suite bathroom. Right now though, try to focus on vaccines coming up, the spring not all that far away, and maybe planning a trip to the coast? Hang in there mate and keep posting here if it helps.

[Pamplemousse]

Really sorry to read how you're feeling, Buster.

Hang on in there, matey - we're here for you to talk to, and also to listen.

[Buster70]

Thank you for the replies, made myself comfortably numb with booze and a well out of date Amitriptalene ( probably spelt wrong but who cares ) partner has been on antibiotics for a week they ran out Thursday which is probably why she’s got worse again , I feel I can’t look forward to anything or something horrible will happen, I know a funeral is on the cards my uncle who’s in hospital with covid has said he no longer wants treatment and the Docs have asked his daughters the same question they asked me and my bro “ do you want us to resuscitate “ not a question you ever want to be asked .
Oh Fish without my dogs I’d be long gone , they don’t judge you , lie to you or intentionally hurt you , I’m well known in the dog walking world as the miserable f**ker , I’m just honest if they say “ isn’t it a wonderful morning “ and it’s not I won’t lie for the sake of pleasant small talk , I’ll say “ no having a shit day and thinking of throwing myself off that bridge .
could be worse I could be fishing walkie talkies out of other people’s shite.
Im going to pay for the stuff I’ve put through my system tonight in the morning

[Buster70]

Apologies for last nights miserable pity party just one of those days when it got too much , I’ll be back when my head is a little tidier , been living in a snow globe today which was nice , thank you for being there .

[Pamplemousse]

Apologies for last nights miserable pity party just one of those days when it got too much , I’ll be back when my head is a little tidier , been living in a snow globe today which was nice , thank you for being there .

We're here to help, Buster. I've had a bit of a crash today but I hope you're feeling better.

It was lovely watching the snow fall; it took my mind off things. I've taken photos and videos just for comfort.

[AntsyVee]

Let's see some photos! All the snow here is up in the mountains!

[Lolalee1]

32c here,some snow would go down well.
Be kind on yourself Buster.