Intrusive thoughts cause constant doubt

[Panicandpeace]

So, I made it through my surgery! ...if anybody has read any of my previous posts. Woohoo! Anesthesia was fine, which is what I was most terrified about. I've been recovering the past week. I had jaw surgery (second one this year), and I keep thinking that I'm going to hit myself in the face... or that I already have. I don't think I have. But my brain keeps saying, "Are you sure? Maybe you did hit yourself square in the face with your water bottle." I almost walked into a door today and had to tell myself a couple of times that I had NOT walked into the door. I think it doesn't help that I did hit myself pretty forcefully in the face with a water bottle after my first surgery, which didn't cause any damage, but that was at about a month out, so I was definitely more healed than I currently am at 6 days. I look like a chipmunk and my face is still very numb, so pain/swelling really wouldn't help reassure myself that I didn't hit myself. The doubting part of my OCD really takes a hold of me. I can't stand it when I can't decisively say, this happened and this did not happen. The end.

[MyNameIsTerry]

There you go, more evidence against your anxiety. You can get through and nothing happens despite your subconscious screaming it will.

I think it helps to make a conscious statement that you know you haven't done x (it would hurt like hell I would imagine if you did ) and to say to yourself that you accept that this is your anxiety playing it's tricks but that you also accept this is what anxiety does and you know it will pass so you aren't trying to push it away which only gives it more importance (negative reaction).

Then with the compulsive checking element, once you've made that statement, walk away to do something else. Get involved in something that will take over your mind for a bit, even mundane cleaning tasks, and let time reduce the anxiety.

One way I found helped with some stubborn compulsions was to do the check or touch but only once. I would do it longer than normal but say to myself that I am choosing to this and not being pushed into it by my anxiety. Then walk away and resist from there. I found this worked on some where cutting down the volume of checks just wasn't working.

I hope you feel better soon. The hard part if over now.

[Panicandpeace]

There you go, more evidence against your anxiety. You can get through and nothing happens despite your subconscious screaming it will.

I think it helps to make a conscious statement that you know you haven't done x (it would hurt like hell I would imagine if you did ) and to say to yourself that you accept that this is your anxiety playing it's tricks but that you also accept this is what anxiety does and you know it will pass so you aren't trying to push it away which only gives it more importance (negative reaction).

Then with the compulsive checking element, once you've made that statement, walk away to do something else. Get involved in something that will take over your mind for a bit, even mundane cleaning tasks, and let time reduce the anxiety.

One way I found helped with some stubborn compulsions was to do the check or touch but only once. I would do it longer than normal but say to myself that I am choosing to this and not being pushed into it by my anxiety. Then walk away and resist from there. I found this worked on some where cutting down the volume of checks just wasn't working.

I hope you feel better soon. The hard part if over now.

Thanks for the well wishes! I thought the hardest part would be surgery and getting through the anesthesia. I thought at least I'd be recovering and focussing on that so that my brain wouldn't find things to obsess about. Silly right? It will always find something to obsess about. It did help with the glass door bit to tell myself that I hadn't just walked into the door. I, for whatever reason, was confident in that. Satisfied. The water bottle, I'm not confident at all. Again, probably not helped by the fact that I have an actual memory of hitting myself in the face with a water bottle. The same water bottle actually. And just the idea of messing anything up and having to go through this type of surgery a THIRD time is horrific to me. I have a follow up appointment with my surgeon in 10 days, where I assume he'll take an x-ray, so I'd find out then if I knocked anything loose, but then the part of my brain on high alert is like "email him first thing tomorrow morning! go in tomorrow morning and get an x-ray just in case! What if your bones start to heal funny over the next 10 days and what was an easy fix turns into something more complicated?!"

[MyNameIsTerry]

Surely if you did knock it hard it would mean a fair bit of pain? So, not having that pain must mean any knock wasn't hard? Or didn't even happen?

With the water bottle you can still try to downplay it as not being a hard knock despite whether it has been an object you knocked yourself with before. Then apply the acceptance to the possibility your subconscious can't understand that and will continue to probe you with bad thoughts about. Dampening down reactions, whether accepting or downplaying or anything that isn't negative, will help but I think the worse your anxiety is the harder it is to make a start on it.

I know what you mean about wishing you had a break now. Sometimes I've found I will crash after big events and other times I am worse because it has spiked me for days or longer. With my anxiety being a mix of daily GAD and a load of OCD (most OCD issues now sorted out, thankfully) it was a never-ending mix of stuff that was so draining.

Keeping your mind busy & distracted with other things might help a bit.

[Panicandpeace]

Surely if you did knock it hard it would mean a fair bit of pain? So, not having that pain must mean any knock wasn't hard? Or didn't even happen?

With the water bottle you can still try to downplay it as not being a hard knock despite whether it has been an object you knocked yourself with before. Then apply the acceptance to the possibility your subconscious can't understand that and will continue to probe you with bad thoughts about. Dampening down reactions, whether accepting or downplaying or anything that isn't negative, will help but I think the worse your anxiety is the harder it is to make a start on it.

I know what you mean about wishing you had a break now. Sometimes I've found I will crash after big events and other times I am worse because it has spiked me for days or longer. With my anxiety being a mix of daily GAD and a load of OCD (most OCD issues now sorted out, thankfully) it was a never-ending mix of stuff that was so draining.

Keeping your mind busy & distracted with other things might help a bit.

I'm actually super numb. I can't feel from my lower eyelids down to my upper lip. Upper gums are numb. My cheeks are completely numb and feel about 3 feet thick. So I worry I wouldn't have felt the severity of it. It was a plastic water bottle, but not flimsy plastic. Like a hard, reusable plastic water bottle. So, while it wasn't a glass, it wasn't a soft plastic cup either. I do think I need to dampen down my reactions. It's just been hard because I'm so terrified of not healing correctly. So my brain is like, "don't bump yourself with the water bottle... oh there you go, you kind of tapped your teeth with the water bottle, but you're okay. You're fine. Wait, did you tap your teeth, or did you HIT yourself with it like you did that one time? Maybe I hit myself with it"

I know some people with OCD have checking compulsions because it makes you doubt. I certainly do... things like checking to make sure whether or not I turned off my curling iron or stove or whether or not I locked my door. I've done things like that for a long time. Recently though, my OCD has turned into a sort of constant inferential confusion. It's a constant: What would be the worst thing that could happen? Did I do that? Maybe I did that. It's very hard. I don't know why I can't just remember did this happen or did that happen? Did I see a bat or did I not see a bat? Did I take an ibuprofen or did I take a naproxen 3 days before surgery? Did I hit myself in the face hard with a water bottle or did I just tap myself and keep on going because it wasn't a big deal? Etc.. I didn't used to do this.

Also, on top of dealing with all of this, one of my biggest recurring health anxiety fears is DVTs. I've been to the doctor numerous times over the years because of it. It certainly doesn't ease my mind knowing I've just had a long surgery and then sat in bed for a few days after. Even though I wore compression socks and leg massagers during surgery, and also most of the 2 days after when I was in the hospital (and I was up out of bed occasionally to use the bathroom), I still came home with that nagging fear in the back of my mind... like now you actually have a risk factor - long surgery. Same leg as always, tense and tiny twinges of pain for a few days now. No redness, warmth, or swelling. Just scared my body has cried wolf so many times that I'm not going to take it seriously if I ever actually have a blood clot... I've tried to see if other people deal with this type of extremely specific, localized, physical anxiety. Same leg 90% of the time. I think only once have I ever complained it was the other leg. You'd think I'd be able to tell myself, it's the same anxiety as always, and it's playing on your fears because you just had surgery and is taking advantage of that.