Why can't just can't forgive myself? 😞

[wanderer02]

Dear friends,

I really need some help from you....

I struggled with hocd many years ago. While I was obsessed with being gay I did a lot of checking (watching gay porn) to test if I had a reaction to it... Years after I finally got over it and moved on to something worse - pocd. Again I did some checking by googeling images of little girls in swim suits and child modeling images. While the ocd was as it's worst I just had to make sure that I didn't react to these images so I didn't worry about the guilt it would produce but now that I am over pocd I seem to not be able to forgive myself for looking at potentially sexualized images of children and my ocd is making me miserable about confessing to the authorities that I looked at these images. I know that it's a bad idea to do ocd checking in this way but I didn't look at nude images but even these modeling images can be considered illegal and my ocd is latching on this and won't let go.

I feel like my life will be over when I confess and I'd be locked away which and this urge to confess is making me very depressed.

I am hoping someone could help me make sense of the situation and ease my pain. Maybe someone has experienced something similar?

What can I do or what should I do to be able to move on from this horrible obsession? It makes me feel like a monster, criminal undeserving of life...

Thanks so much

---------- Post added at 14:06 ---------- Previous post was at 11:29 ----------

I am sorry, I know that this topic is very difficult to answer to but I don't know where else to turn. My obsession over this is driving me mad...

[Carys]

Lets look at the facts ;'You looked at 'modelling/advertising images', I presume those are easily available in magazines and on various product sites?

You didn't look at nude images. You didn't go searching for dodgy places online, didn't go taking photos of children out and about in the community, didn't get involved with grooming groups or serial abusers, didn't procure child pornography in any shape or form.

The images you saw were willing child models, I presume, with no background of abuse and coercion behind the images. There was no suffering to any minor, as these are children under the care of adults and modelling products/clothes?! These are the same images that any of us could see at any time.You say 'potentially sexualized images of children', but they would only be images that would be seen as 'sexual' by someone who had a wholly concerning view about seeing minors in a sexual way - the rest of us - and you included - see a child playing on a beach happily in a swimsuit.

So, to be honest with you, you really do have nothing to confess to. If you turn up at the police station and say 'I wanted to test if I had HOCD and POCD, I looked at children modelling things, nothing nude or inappropriate or pornographic. As it happened I didn't have any leaning towards paedophelia'. What can they charge you with ? What relevance does it have to them or anybody ? The only person who is suffering is you due to the guilt you feel at even testing yourself, it is the guilt stuck inside your mind. You are no monster, and no criminal, save those words for those who truly fit that mould. You are actually the other end of the spectrum from those types of vile individuals - you have a strong sense of morality about the thought of abusing children or seeing them in a pornographic light. If society would find no reason to admonish you, then you need to forgive yourself.

---------- Post added at 14:43 ---------- Previous post was at 13:42 ----------

Some more thoughts, probably repeating stuff, but.....



There is something critical you are missing from this, as you are so consumed with fear/guilt, the subject of 'intent'. When men or women go searching proactively for disturbing images of children, because they gain sexual gratification from them, their intent is to get sexual gratification. Your intent was 'testing yourself' and you did not gain sexual gratification and feel very strongly that this would be the WRONG thing to feel. You are also making evaluative judgements about images you believe were 'sexually provocative' as you are aware this is inappropriate. They (paedophiles) are not, and infact would search out the worst of those kind they could find. Those low-lives who have no morality don't care about the children, how they have been abused or how inappropriate or offensive the images are, they only want their needs met, whatever those needs might be. You are even feeling guilt about looking at some mildly inappropriate modelling images from other countries. Paedophiles have no such guilt, they hide (not confess) and feel no guilt or feelings other than the drive to pursue their own agenda.

You are no monster, this needs to be put down to what it actually was - an ill-advised 'test' for someone with OCD. Yep, never a good idea to do this testing thing, as it ends up you finding yourself right where you are now, even feeling bad about looking in the first place!

Let me be clear also - IF there was any shadow of a doubt that what you viewed was that bad, there would be records and you would be being monitored and contacted by agencies/authorities.


Let it go.....

[jcd_gad]

Hi - google something called the Finklehor model. Or to put it bluntly no you're not

---------- Post added at 09:32 ---------- Previous post was at 09:31 ----------

ok - bit too blunt. No but stop it, if you are concerned alsolook at a charity called Lucy Faithful.

Hope you're ok

[EmmerLooeez]

Please can topics like this have a trigger warning on them?

[MyNameIsTerry]

Please can topics like this have a trigger warning on them?

They are normally on the OCD board. Worth remembering these are isolating subjects so they struggle just to post.

[Carys]

Please can topics like this have a trigger warning on them?

Warning about what? The poster is already consumed with fear and guilt about something which, to my mind, should have no fear and guilt attached.

[EmmerLooeez]

Why would adding a trigger warning add to fear and guilt?

Sent from my moto e5 using Tapatalk

[Carys]

What is the trigger here? I mean anything could be a trigger for anyone on these boards, in any shape or form.



The 'trigger warning' concept implies that the subject matter being discussed is really upsetting for others, and this would confirm the OP's thoughts that the problem they are struggling with is socially unacceptable. If you read it properly this person really did nothing wrong.

[Mav]

Please can topics like this have a trigger warning on them?

I think suggesting that he should have used a trigger warning is triggering in itself, OP hasn't actually done anything wrong despite his Pure o/intrusive thoughts making him feel like he has. Suggesting a TW suggests the content in his post is innapropriate etc, when although the topic is agreeably uncomfortable, even more so for OP, for most human beings it is uncomfortable to converse about comfortably (for example, not the kind of conversation you would spark up at dinner)but it is also not something innapropriate, agreeing with his feelings, confessing about crimes committed is something innapropriate and obviously illegal but he hasn't done this, and also it takes courage to post because of all the fear and guilt that consumes OP and the uncomfortable nature of such topics.

His actions have been that of a POCD/OCD sufferer and not a pedophiles. Everything he has written alligns perfectly with the symptoms of a POCD Pure o sufferer, with all the checking etc.

I think the only person that should be triggered by such a post is another Pure o/POCD sufferer (and since I am also unfortunately going through this painful experience, I am not personally triggered).

There are loads of things on this site that could use a trigger warning, I once posted about my swollen glands for my own relief and a woman jumped down my throat for it and told me I should have used a trigger warning and I found that unfair, I was posting for my own relief and I couldn't account for someone else suffering with the same MH issue getting triggered by my post.

Anyway, I am not trying to be rude to you or anything, I hope you can see why suggesting a TW could make OPs spiral worse.

[Carys]

Mav thanks for posting, I was struggling to find the words I needed to explain....you've done so