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Thread: I died.

  1. #1

    I'm no longer human.

    Hello. I just needed to write this out I think. Im 26 yeards old, a virgin, and still live with my parents with hardly no social contact outside them or a friend I talk to online. I know I have ocd. I had for it ever since I was 10. But over the years I have suspected to possibly have schizoid pd or depersonlization. I don't know if either of these are true. For years I have had very few and weak emotions. I wasn't always like this. I remember having emotions as a kid and gradually over time they disapeared. I dont know if it was being bullied, having harm ocd at the time, or being a very scared child as my dad raged at me a lot (no physical abuse). Overtime my emotions just grew less and less.

    About 2 years ago, I had a mental breakdown over philosophical arguments I read over the internet. About there being no objective morality, life being meaningless, nothing matters, etc. It broke my world to pieces. Im atheist so I have no religion to fall back on. I tried constantly searching over the Internet for c0unterarguments against those thoughts and nothing worked. Somehow eventually I managed to break through and lived as normally as I can f9r the next 2 years. Still was mostly emotionless during this time period.

    But now the thoughts have returned. I can't help but think how everything in life is pointless. Emotions are pointless and meaningless. Love is pointless and meaningless. Human life is pointless and meaningless. Nothing in life matters at all. I feel like I have had my eyes open and have seen the truth in life and there is no going back. I just look at everything humans do and see it as if I was looking at animals. I'm scared because of this i will turn into some kind of psychopathic monster that has a blue and orange morality. I say I'm scared but I feel apathetic to this thought because I don't feel emotions anymore. I don't even understand emotions anymore or what they mean. But I still don't want to be like this. I want to stop thinking like this but don't know how.

    I want to go back to how I was as a child, that had emotions and was human. But I cant. That part of me is dead. I just feel so empty now. I'm going to a therapist tomorrow but I don't think they can help me. I am too far gone. I don't want to be inhuman being. Why am I like this?

    I'm sorry for the rambling and that this wasn't much of an introduction but I feel so empty. I keep existing in the hope of being who I used to be again but I lost all hope.

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Aug 2011
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    2,836

    Re: I'm no longer human.

    This is a fairly deep and difficult subject, and I would probably suggest focusing on one thing for now. Philosophy is too difficult to break down into online advice (I feel). Meaning is subjective.....

    But, there's one thing you said that struck a chord. The bullying. Bullying, self harm and parental anger are definite trauma triggers. As a child you have no way of coping with these things, and emotions can become internalised and/or switched off. It doesn't mean that they don't exist, it simply means that they are not processed as a way of protecting the sufferer. You mention fears of schizophrenia....well that's also a very, very complicated subject. But basically, alternate identities can sometimes be created to help the child process what's going on. Even a child's imaginary friend works along the same lines, that the child has to create an alternative identity to help them learn certain things. These are just thoughts based on experiences that I know about, and may or may not apply to you. Schizophrenia is nothing like the way it's portrayed in the media and is actually far more common than people think. Depersonalisation/derealisation are strongly linked, and crossover with anxiety disorders.

    As for feeling human again, well you can. There are various forms of therapy that can help you recover. When you speak with your therapist I would focus on how you feel about your perceived change from being a child with feelings, the bullying and parental abuse (and it probably was abuse experiencing that kind of rage) into becoming an adult that can't 'feel'.

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Nov 2009
    Posts
    4,971

    Re: I'm no longer human.

    Hiyer,


    I didn't want to just pass by without replying. AnkietyJoe is right, there is a lot here and it is very deep and personal. I just wanted to say that I have felt what you have felt, not recently but in my 20s. I could have written some of your words then...



    Emotions are pointless and meaningless. Love is pointless and meaningless. Human life is pointless and meaningless. Nothing in life matters at all.

    It is THE most disturbing experience I have ever felt, it felt like I too had had my eyes 'opened' to the reality that everything was meaningless and pointless. It was truly awful and I can't do justice to the themes you have raised here in this very short post, but I honestly even didn't want to love an animal as a pet because that was pointless etc. I am also not religious, I would say agnostic rather than atheist, as I can't definitely say that there is 'nothing' out there, just that I can't define it and don't know it. I can reassure you however that there is 'going back' and refinding meaning and purpose. You will be surprised how 'human' you are in having these feelings, and how many many before you have felt the same. I do think ankiety Joe has hit on another point, the derealisation and depersonalisation issue and how that also has impact when you are feeling this way...but that is something to explore with your therapist.



    Eventually I found my peace in realising that I wouldn't know the answers to the big questions of life, and never would, I had no control over that stuff about 'the meaning of life' and the empty feeling I had could be filled with my own choices. I did have control over the meaning I gave my life, I could chose that myself. Without religion as a safety net ( and I genuinely mean this as no disrespect to anyone who has religion in their lives), I created my own set of values and aims. I could have impact in my actions, I could do things that improved life for others, I could be remembered by those around me. Love 'may' be pointless, but others seemed to like it so I would give it in return. Too many things to list here.....but you get the idea.



    Do let us know how you get on tomorrow, it won't be a quick fix, but you do still have hope burning there inside, I can see it in some of your words. x

    ---------- Post added at 13:42 ---------- Previous post was at 13:34 ----------

    I wanted to add - you will need to open yourself up to change; finding some life away from the solitary-type existence you have now. Answers aren't on the internet in essay form, they are out there in the real world- things that touch you, people you meet, causes you get inspired by. Your emotions are there, they are just locked away at the moment as you are tired and scared.

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Aug 2011
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    2,836

    Re: I'm no longer human.

    Quote Originally Posted by Carys View Post

    I wanted to add - you will need to open yourself up to change; finding some life away from the solitary-type existence you have now. Answers aren't on the internet in essay form, they are out there in the real world- things that touch you, people you meet, causes you get inspired by. Your emotions are there, they are just locked away at the moment as you are tired and scared.
    I agree with this 100%

  5. #5
    Join Date
    May 2017
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    639

    Re: I'm no longer human.

    You are still human but you are a suffering human. That child is still inside you, the real you is still inside just waiting to resurface.
    I echo Carys last paragraph. Get out and about, meet people, experience things. Do you like animals, ask to walk dogs at your local shelter. Animals are totally unjudgemental, won't expect anything from you and they will love you for taking them out. Small steps but you can claw yourself back into the world.
    I hope you have a good session with your therapist, let us know how it went.
    Take care

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Aug 2013
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    19,964

    Re: I'm no longer human.

    I agree with the other sentiments and wanted to point something out. You say you're emotionless but your words express it passionately. You do have emotions, they're just negative emotions.

    I hope your therapy sessions can help you see the beauty in this world. I've gone through some very difficult times in my life and even in my darkest times, the sun still shone and I came to appreciate the little things that make life beautiful.

    Positive thoughts
    __________________
    "Eat. Drink. Enjoy the work you do. Be thankful for the blessings God gives you in this life. Live, love and seek out the things that bring your heart joy. The rest is meaningless... Like chasing the wind." King Solomon

    The best help is the help you give yourself! http://cbt4panic.org/

  7. #7

    Re: I'm no longer human.

    Thanks for the replies. I went to the therapist and she put me on some new medicine. I still can't get over these thoughts though. I feel like an alien observer on the planet asking what emotions are and why do humans value them. And why do humans value life so much. I just feel so far away from humanity.

  8. #8

    I died.

    I know I had made a post yesterday but I did not get to the core of why I feel the way I do. I feel like there is no returning to who I was before because of these thoughts.

    I am currently in an emotionless state. I feel nothing. And in this state of nothingness I have come to ponder over emotions and what they are and why we have them. I can not come up with an answer. I don't know what emotions are, why we have them, and why they are important. I literally can not comprehend emotions anymore. They seem so idiotic and pointless. It feels like I have had my eyes open to the truth. What are emotions? Why can't we define them? Emotions according to evolutionary theory are just adaptions to help us survive and nothing more. There is no value to that. Love is just a tool and nothing more. Imagine trying to explain what emotions are to a sentient robot. You can't because since they did not go through evolution emotions make no sense to them. Aliens could have gone through different evolutionary pressures and evolved to have no emotions. It would make no sense to them.

    I said I was atheist in my last post but I feel closer to agnostic in actuality. A god could have made us. And maybe they are deeper reasons to emotions. But I don't think we humans can find the answer. I look at humans and wonder why. Why live. Why feel. Why do anything. What purpose is there when emotions are not valid experiences. I feel like some psychopathic ubermensch. I can not go back to being human. I have opened my eyes to reality. I would say I don't like it, but I can't feel that emotion. I no longer know what to do. I have fallen into and empty hole with nothing left to do except let myself waste away into nonexistence. I tried reading philosophy over the past few days to find a counter argument but my mind accepts nothing because they can not explain why humans should find emotions meaningful in any way.

    I wasn't always like this. But that part of me died a long time ago. I am nothing.

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Apr 2018
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    554

    Re: I died.

    Take a look at Jordan Peterson lectures on YouTube. Not his controversial political type stuff, but his normal psychology lectures. At his core he is still a clinical psychologist and a lot of his topics center around the search for meaning in a cruel dark world, why nihilism is really just escapism, how to dig yourself out of "the belly of the beast" etc.

    I can't say I've ever had your views but I've seen a lot of comments on those videos like yours that say his lectures have turned them around.

    Sent from my Moto G (5) Plus using Tapatalk

  10. #10
    Join Date
    Apr 2011
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    Re: I died.

    Hi

    This is just a courtesy reply to let you know that your thread was merged with another of your threads.

    Please when posting on similar topics add it onto your previous post rather than starting a new one.


    I have also moved your thread into a part of the forum that I feel maybe more appropriate.

    It is nothing personal it is just to make it easier for people to follow your story and to give you advice as a whole.

    Elen
    __________________
    Please help keep NMP running and donate to the running costs: http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/donate

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