Hello. I just needed to write this out I think. Im 26 yeards old, a virgin, and still live with my parents with hardly no social contact outside them or a friend I talk to online. I know I have ocd. I had for it ever since I was 10. But over the years I have suspected to possibly have schizoid pd or depersonlization. I don't know if either of these are true. For years I have had very few and weak emotions. I wasn't always like this. I remember having emotions as a kid and gradually over time they disapeared. I dont know if it was being bullied, having harm ocd at the time, or being a very scared child as my dad raged at me a lot (no physical abuse). Overtime my emotions just grew less and less.

About 2 years ago, I had a mental breakdown over philosophical arguments I read over the internet. About there being no objective morality, life being meaningless, nothing matters, etc. It broke my world to pieces. Im atheist so I have no religion to fall back on. I tried constantly searching over the Internet for c0unterarguments against those thoughts and nothing worked. Somehow eventually I managed to break through and lived as normally as I can f9r the next 2 years. Still was mostly emotionless during this time period.

But now the thoughts have returned. I can't help but think how everything in life is pointless. Emotions are pointless and meaningless. Love is pointless and meaningless. Human life is pointless and meaningless. Nothing in life matters at all. I feel like I have had my eyes open and have seen the truth in life and there is no going back. I just look at everything humans do and see it as if I was looking at animals. I'm scared because of this i will turn into some kind of psychopathic monster that has a blue and orange morality. I say I'm scared but I feel apathetic to this thought because I don't feel emotions anymore. I don't even understand emotions anymore or what they mean. But I still don't want to be like this. I want to stop thinking like this but don't know how.

I want to go back to how I was as a child, that had emotions and was human. But I cant. That part of me is dead. I just feel so empty now. I'm going to a therapist tomorrow but I don't think they can help me. I am too far gone. I don't want to be inhuman being. Why am I like this?

I'm sorry for the rambling and that this wasn't much of an introduction but I feel so empty. I keep existing in the hope of being who I used to be again but I lost all hope.