So one of my obsessive thoughts ruminate around one of my friends. I have done everything to stop it, and it won’t cease. I decided that I would just tell my friend and we could laugh about how stupid it was, we did. Bad mistake though because now my friend knows that the compulsion is her calming me down. Even just talking makes the thought fleet from my brain as if I am drawn back to reality of the situation.

But now my friend has ceased contact with me as a way for me to work on it on my own, which has drove me into such a bad state. Like she won’t even hang out with me in order to finally calm this once and for all. I know if we could just sit down and behave normally things would be alright. But she is isolating me in order to try to get my obsession to relax. Which is not how it works. She also suggested I be medicated. This whole thing has made me feel, shamed and depressed. I feel isolated and alone. I honestly have been suicidal, just thinking of how talking about my mental illness has brought me so much pain.

I’d be fine if we talked and my obsession jumped as it always does, onto another topic. I know this wouldn’t cure the OCD but, it definitely would help me restore normalcy to my life and my relationship with not only my friend but my boyfriend which has also been suffering from the guilt of my obsession. It’s the holidays for Christ’s sake and I can’t even relax for five minutes without ruminating on thoughts. I feel alone and tired and absolutely ruined. I don’t know what to do but actually spell it out to my friend “I need to see you so I can talk about this face to face and end this feeling or else I am going to be in this hole forever with no way out”, it’s absolutely naive of her to think that she can cure my OCD by taking away something that calms it when really it’s so escalated at this point that I can’t even think, at all.