Boyfriend came out to me, huge panic

[Soda]

Last night my boyfriend told me he is pansexual. Which means he still likes me but he also can be attracted to anyone (I guess?). Right now I’m freaking out and feeling inadequate about our relationship. I’m feeling like I’ll never be enough for him now. Plus I’ve had my own qualms about sexuality in the past few months and now I’m nervous that’s gonna stir that up again in my brain.


I don’t want to break up with him ever but I’m feeling this numbness inside like our relationship has ended. I don’t want that though it’s just terrifying to feel like he may discover his sexuality is not even me at some point. I don’t know, I’m very scared to get super committed now on the count that he might not be satisfied with me.

I feel so anxious I am numb. I don’t know where to go because I can’t talk to anyone about this irl, I’d never talk about my boyfriends sexuality openly to people it’s just all very scary.

This all came about because he said sexually he’d like to try anal and he thinks about it with women and men, and he also said that he knows I’m the one for him for life but if I weren’t, there would just be a chance he could be in love with a man.

How do I go about proceeding in our relationship? (This is like the fourth non-heterosexual man who has liked me but the only one who has also admitted to liking woman as well...and so now I’m scared I’m masculine or something. I’m sure this forum is riddled with problematic things I’ve said so I apologize I just can’t relax about the thought of falling then him realizing he’s not attracted to me)

[Midnight-mouse]

I’ll be completely frank with you, the worries you have, have nothing to do with specifically his sexuality.

The worries you have are normal but just because someone is capable of loving and can find all people sexually attractive makes no difference to the likelihood they will leave you for someone else. I am the same as your boyfriend in the sense that I too am capable of falling in love and finding any person attractive but that definitely doesn’t mean I’m more likely to leave my fiancé.

Believing him when he says that he is happy with only you is just part of the trust you form in a relationship.

Positive vibes,

Mouse


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[AMomentofClarity]

I’ll be completely frank with you, the worries you have, have nothing to do with specifically his sexuality.

The worries you have are normal but just because someone is capable of loving and can find all people sexually attractive makes no difference to the likelihood they will leave you for someone else. I am the same as your boyfriend in the sense that I too am capable of falling in love and finding any person attractive but that definitely doesn’t mean I’m more likely to leave my fiancé.

Believing him when he says that he is happy with only you is just part of the trust you form in a relationship.

Positive vibes,

Mouse


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I agree with this....plenty of perfectly straight guys cheat with or leave their significant others for other women. It’s a matter of individual character, not sexuality.

[fishman65]

I have to agree also with the two respondents. Nothing in life is guaranteed. All I can add is that straight women can cheat as well as men.

[MyNameIsTerry]

I agree with the above too.

Lots of straight people might like to try anal but it comes down to what you both want in a sexual relationship and sometimes barriers have to be accepted. If that makes a person stray then that's not about sex but about their poor attitude towards relationships since life is full of things we can't always have and we deal with it as that's called being mature. If a partner won't do things you need to satisfy you, you have to respect that and either move on or decide it's not as important as the relationship. I'm not saying this even applies to you but I think it's worth pointing out because lots of couples don't do things like oral, BDSM, role play, etc yet one partner might like too.

A question that may be asked here is whether he feels the need to explore his sexuality. I've always thought this was a bit of a stigma caused by the promiscuous image that some of the LGBT+ community have projected into society. I don't mean to cause offence by that as if you want to have casual sex that's a choice you have and I support that but what I mean is it has created an image of the man who can't be happy with a woman because he needs to have sex with a man to be truly bi (or now pan as well). Why? Relationships are much more about other things than they are sex. IF they weren't no one would be staying together later in life when sex becomes far less important anyway.

Surely LGBT+ couples are as committed as everybody else? Yet this image often persists that they are in a community where men will jump on each other at the drop of a hat.

With that being said, his feelings of love should be outweighing some curiosity about sex. You might find an attractive woman giving signals sexually exciting but if you are in a relationship you tell little Terry to shut up and go home to your partner.

He has discovered something about himself but that doesn't change his morality. If he believes in commitment why would that change? If he believes in cheating on his partners you would have already had that issue to deal with.

And I think you need to be careful with your HOCD & ROCD here. This will be an "in" for doubts about the relationship and it's clear you have already started the "what ifs" about your own image and who is attracted to you.

[Soda]

Yes Terry as you know lately I’ve been suffering so much with my mental health especially the HOCD, the whole thing with my childhood best friend recently coming out as lesbian, my intrusive thoughts freaking out about that and now ROCD and my boyfriend coming out as pan.

Me and my therapist have been going through the stuff with my friend and I just told her about my boyfriend. She thinks he was just trying to explain it to me like most of you did here so thank you. I already has HOCD, OCD and now this whole thing with two close people in life. It’s making me insane.

I keep having triggering moments of HOCD, ROCD, what if thoughts about my friendship with my friend. I just want to relax and focus on my relationship then this new news sent me for a bit of a spin.