Advice need for a 9 Year old,please

[Meg]

Karen,

We'll be thinking of you tomorrow. How has this week been so far ?

All the best.


Meg

Watch your thoughts, they become your words...
Watch your words, they become your actions... Watch your actions, they become your habits... Watch your habits, they become your character... Watch your character, it becomes your destiny...

[kmp001]

I can't believe it - the doctors have called to say that the doctor I had the appointment with has been called away from the surgery and is not expected back today!!! I therefore have now got to wait until next Friday!!! This appointment is with a female doctor which I think may make her more at ease. She has been ok. She has not got any plans between now and her appointment. I am going to talk to her over the weekend and explain to her why I am taking her. I haven't mentioned it before now as I didn't want her to worry and work herself up, I was going to talk to her after school today before her appt. I have ordered the books that were suggested and they are due in on Monday! I will keep you posted and thank you for thinking of me.

[nomorepanic]

Oh no - what a disappointment!

At least you can talk to her and she may understand more about why.

Good luck for next week now :-)

Nicola

[Meg]

Also Karen,

If your books do arrive on Monday you may have had a chance to read bits of them and thus be able to have more of a two way conversation with the GP, as you'll be better informed than you were a week ago.



Meg

Watch your thoughts, they become your words...
Watch your words, they become your actions... Watch your actions, they become your habits... Watch your habits, they become your character... Watch your character, it becomes your destiny...

[Lottie32]

Dear Karen

Please, please, please carry on exactly as you are with your daughter.

I started with exactly the same symptoms when I was a very similar age. I'm 32 now, and still suffering (although I get periods where I'm "fine". (These can last for years).

However, my mum and dad didn't know how to handle this, and it's only know that I am a grown up (although one that doesn't feel very grown up when I get panic attacks!) that I have been able to get help.

My mum once took me to a therapist, but he wanted to see the whole family together, and after seeing my interaction with my parents, tried to suggest that it was the relationship with them that set me off. Of course, they didn't want to hear that, and I never went back (he was right though - I love my parents and they love me, and I had a happy childhood, but as some people are, we are very different people - it's only as you get older you can learn to live with this).

I missed out on lots of things I wanted to do, with exactly the same symptoms as your daughter - Alton Towers, holidays, parties etc. etc. The list is endless.

Please tell your daughter that everything will be ok. It is most important for her to realsie that she isn't the only one, and that YOU and her dad are behind her. I wish my parents had been more proactive. Then I wouldn't be on this site now!

CBT is fantastic. If it's not available on the NHS in your area, then I recommend you go privately if at all possible.

Please don't give up hope. Your daughter is just a bit different, and because of her age is finding it hard to express herself. Continue to love, support and accept her for what she is.

Good luck with the doctors.

Charlie

[kmp001]

Lottie I have only just read your mesg, in need of some final preparation and ammunition for the doctors this afternoon. What is CBT - still catching up on terms!!! She is not going to her dads this weekend as he is ill (one of the times she becomes anxious) so in a way that is good so that she can have a restfull weekend. I do feel guilty that I didn't recognise it before and I am aware that down the line I may hear something that I won't like but I am an adult and I can deal with it. I just hope that I can get across to this doctor just how much it does affect her. The more that I have been thinking about this I realise and remember things that have happened and they now make sense. Her constant time keeping, worrying about things that seem trivial her need for things to be symmetrical (although there have been only 2 incidents of this). But when she used to get so upset and get stomach aches and cramps/diorrhea ,because it was with people that she knew well logic in my mind was that it would be strange places or people she should be frightened of. I am going to talk to her before we go in adn take her in with me. I'll let you know later how we get on. Thanks once again for all your help.

[Lottie32]

CBT is cognitive behavioural therapy.

I still get wound up about going to places. I haven't had a holiday for four years. I don't go and stop with friends any more either.

Last year I got really bad, and didn't even want to go and visit my best friend who had just had a baby (and who lives a five minute drive away)!!! I too get the stomach upsets.

CBT works by listing all the things you don't/can't do (i.e. eating out) and then repeatedly exposing yourself to small tasks, leading up to being able to do your problem things (i.e. going out for a meal). You should try and do it without using props, and once capable, keep doing it. Basically you are re-training your brain that going for a meal doesn't equal panic.

I hope this makes sense.

Can I suggest that you make a list to take to the doctors. I always forget things, and only remember when I get outside the surgery. Just make a note of key events and symptoms for example.

Please don't worry about not spotting the symptoms. It's only now at 31 that I have finally got my problems recognised, and am receiving treatment. Alice is a very lucky girl that you got in so early and realised there was a problem.

Try and stay positive. You are taking action, you are going to get help for her, and she will get better. Beating yourself up about why, how etc. will serve no purpose at all, and is not really relevant.

Best of luck at the doctors! Look forward to hearing how you got on.

Take care

Charlie

[benoo5]

hi karen,

i havent posted on this,because of alice/s age.
but ive been reading all the posts,and my thoughts have been with you both.

as charlie said,alice is in good hands with a mother that cares so much,as you do.

wish you both well at the doctors....bryan.

[kmp001]

Thank you both! I only just found your postings. Charlie thank you so much for your explanation of CBT, and for helping me understand things a little more from her point of view. She hasn't said much about it since Friday. The only things she has said to me is that she asked me if I could tell her Dad what was going on (I had said to her that it was her choice to tell people if she wanted them to know) so that he would understand that it wasn't because she didn't want to see him or stay at his house but she just couldn't help it! She is due to stay overnight next weekend so I know that come Friday night she will start getting worked up. Charlie, is there anything that you can suggest when she starts getting worked up how i can make it easier. I know that down the line I will get to understand more and the counselling will help her but in the meantime it's hard to know what to do. It so hard to see her suffer.

[Lottie32]

I think the thing that helped me cope when I was younger (and now for that matter) was having some control, which is very difficult to achieve when you are only young!!!

Try to give Alice as much information as you can. I know It made a huge difference if I knew exactly what time I was being collected, who was collecting me, where, if anywhere we were going to stop on the way back etc. etc. Perhaps you could try asking Alice what time she wants collecting (within reason obviously, you have your life to lead too, and must make sure you look after yourself!).

With regard to staying with her dad. Do you live near to him? If so, might it be possible for Alice to visit with an overnight bag, but have the option of deciding whether to stay over or not. You could give her the option, and tell her that if she wants to come home you need to know by 8.00pm or something. I found that if this was done a few times, it could take the pressure off, and then I would actually be ok about doing something that upset me.

I think you really need to emphasise to your ex husband that none of this is personal. I used to get into such a state if i thought I had offended or upset somebody. It really isn't personal when I didn't visit relatives or friends, I just didn't feel able. I even used to let my mum buy me the most horrendous outfits, because I didn't want to upset her by saying she had terrible taste. Then I would spend ages agonising over the fact I couldn't possibly wear it, because it was too horrible.

Obviously, you need to draw a fine line, and set some guidelines with Alice about what she can and can't opt out of. I know when I got older, and didn't have any parental pressure, I stopped doing everything for a while, and you obviously don't want to get to this point. Maybe you could sit down with Alice and discuss the things she finds very hard, and you are willing to make allowances over (i.e. she must visit her dad, but can have the option of staying over).

I hope that this is making sense. I struggled terribly when I was Alices age, as I couldn't understand what was wrong with me and why! Being older now, I have learnt to accept that it's just a part of who I am, but it's very difficult for a child to "get her head round"!

Also, diet, exercise and having a hobby are very good, as is routine.And if Alice really wants to do something, and it's within your power to let her, then encourage her to do it. I got on various teams at school, and wanted to train and compete outside of school hours, but my parents were too busy to take me. I quite often think that if I had the opportunity to challenge myself more when I was a teenager, I would have got myself under control by now. Who knows?!!!!

Sometimes, going for a walk used to help me. My body had created too much adrenalin, and walking helped use it up, and therefore calm me down.

Above all, the best thing you can do for Alice is exactly what you are doing now. Be loving and understanding and above all listen to her, and I know that very soon, you will begin to see an improvement.

Charlie