Advice on argument with my father!

[O_O]

Hello everyone,


So, I have a problem that isn't related to miscarriage / wombs / cervixes / infertility for a change... I'm not sure how to deal with it so any advice would be appreciated.


So, my relationship with my father has always been kind of odd although much better since I reached my 20s and we're pretty good friends now and get along well. When I was growing up I had a lot of resentment towards him, as he was quite critical and emotionally closed off, and the environment at home was toxic until my mother and I finally left when I was about 15 (should have been when I was a baby imo!)


However, I think that frankly my dad is still massively unfair and unkind towards my mother, who is essentially a kind, supportive, well-meaning person. Last night I was with my dad and we got into a 'heated discussion' about my time at university.


I had never wanted to go to university, AT ALL, but I did when I was 19 because I thought I had no other choice. After being there a short time I only realised more strongly that it wasn't the right thing for me and so I dropped out.


My mother came to collect me and brought me home. A decade on I don't regret leaving university at all and I actually have a better job than most people I know with degrees - plus no debt.


My father, however, has never forgiven my mum for collecting me from university. He blames her for me leaving - I think he thinks that she somehow enabled me. I've tried to explain to him that I wasn't happy at university and that ten years later I'm still glad I left but that doesn't seem to have any effect on him.


When I decided to leave university I told my lecturers etc that I was dropping out and then I phoned my mother and asked her if she'd come and collect me. I'd already spoken to both my parents about my intentions for a few weeks beforehand.


My mother asked my dad if he would collect me but he refused. He said he would come up a week later and stay with me for a week and try to convince me to stay. This in itself I don't have a problem with. Fine, if he wanted to try to convince me to stay then he's entitled to do that. I don't think it would have changed anything and would probably have only resulted in a very upsetting argument but if it would have made him feel better to try then that's fine.


At the time, however, I just wanted to leave. I told my mum that I knew I didn't want to stay, I wasn't waiting a week, and could she please collect me. At that point she agreed, to be supportive of me I guess. She came to collect me the next day, I went home, and I've never regretted the decision.


My dad still resents my mother so much for this. If anyone is to 'blame' it's me, not her. She was just trying to support her daughter. Dad feels that he was 'denied the right' to try to convince me to stay because she came to collect me first. Even though ultimately me leaving was the right thing he has hung onto this resentment for the last decade and I don't think he will ever let it go!


I don't know what to do. It's not fair on my mother.


He also just forgets all the good things she does. A few months ago my dad had some breathing difficulties and went to A&E. There wasn't anybody around to take him home afterwards so he ended up calling my mother. They've been separated for 15 years, and don't have a good relationship, but she didn't hesitate in going to collect him, making sure he was okay, taking him home. She didn't have to do that, particularly given how vile he's been towards her at certain times.


He is completely ungrateful for that sort of thing. He forgets that and can only focus on the fact that she collected me from university, ten years ago. I think he's totally lost sight of the fact that me leaving university was the best thing and all he can focus on is that his 'right to convince me to stay' was taken away from him.


Does anyone have any advice? Or am I wrong about this? If anybody disagrees with me please say as I'd actually appreciate being able to understand his viewpoint better, which I'm struggling to at the moment.


I just feel bad for my mother, who is a good person.


Thanks for reading.

[pulisa]

Is it all about him ie "I want to boast to people that my daughter has been to university and has a degree"?

The fact that he paid no heed at all to your distress shows his lack of emotional empathy. He needed to blame someone so he picked on your so-called "facilitator"-your Mum. He's hung on to this ridiculous gripe for a decade.

I think you and your Mum should just shrug off his immature and petulant stance on this. Not everyone thrives at university and you have gone on to bigger and better achievements. I'm sure your Mum is glad to have got shot of him and is aware of his attempts to discredit and put her down but he's powerless against her now.

This is all in the past and he's just wanting to make you and your Mum feel bad now. Don't let him feel that he has a valid point here because he doesn't and you've shown him that.

[MyNameIsTerry]

Does he complain about her for other reasons? He's focused on the uni thing, which seems pretty pointless after all this time, but is it just a convenient excuse to cover for other possibly earlier unresolved gripes from the break up?

What ever it is it seems pointless to me. All it does is cause stress in him that is pushed onto you both.

It also seems a ridiculous given she has helped him despite knowing what he thinks. He should have at least resolved it within himself enough to move past it since she has offered support when needed which shows she is well over the break up. He's lucky!

It could just be good old fashioned stubborn male pride.

The problem is clearly within him. After all this time, and you being happy for these decisions, he hasn't accepted it as worked out for the best.

How does your mum feel? Or does she know this is a negative trait that led to the break up hence just shrugs it off?

You've told him your thoughts and now you are older you can look back with a more mature view so it's not like he can claim he knows best due to life experience. Sometimes you just have to stay away from certain subjects for the sake of keeping the peace but he should be doing the same over issues with your mother which are between them and not you. That might mean telling him it is disrespectful as you would be defending either of them to the other in the same situation.

[GiantMogwai]

Parents want the best for their children. I take it you're an only child. Maybe he feels you're more vulnerable without a degree, or that you dropping out is symptomatic of some sort of overall lack of follow through. University isn't for everyone especially these days with the big cost. Both my siblings dropped out because it was too "academic". They both had full parental support about this, but there is a difference between support and understanding, and getting someone to say "it was a good thing" that they did that. Complicated.

[O_O]

Thank you Pulisa, Terry and Mogwai for your responses!


Glad to know it's not just me that thinks he's being a dick, then...


I know that it does upset my mum when he blames her for things and I find that difficult to deal with because she doesn't deserve it and I don't want her to be sad. He does blame her for other things, too. For example, he thinks it's her fault that I don't have many hobbies. I'll be the first to admit that it would be better for me if I could enjoy a lot of activities but if it's anyone's fault that I don't then it's mine, and certainly not my mother's. They put me through piano lessons, horse riding, activity weekends, etc, when I was young, FOR YEARS, and I hated every second of all of it. Dad is obsessed with tennis and he somehow blames my mother for not forcing me to play tennis. The fact is that my dad is dissatisfied with some aspects of my personality but instead of thinking "oh well" he tries to blame somebody for it - my mother.


I think you're right that I should just refuse to discuss any of it with him, but I do worry what he could be saying to my mum when I'm not around.


I could honestly deal with him telling me I should be different - he's done it my whole life and to be honest he has a point - I probably would be happier if I could look at things more positively and really throw myself into activities - but I can't deal with him being mean to my mum! It is NOT her fault. I'm not saying she's a perfect mother, but she is supportive, did try to make me do activities when I was younger, and just wants what's best for me and for everyone really. If anyone has contributed to my varied personality defects it's probably him.


Not a lot to be done, I suppose.

[MyNameIsTerry]

Sounds like he can't let go. Maybe he sees his own failings? Maybe he is the type who pushes their kid out of their life thinking they are doing it for their own good as they push them to better themselves.

All parents may do elements of it but the point is it's the past and you are now mature. You know what you want, your mistakes are your own and you own them as you say (not that they are mistakes, they are choices that have proven to be correct to you).

It's a convenient stick to bash your mum with too. She's best letting him stew on it rather than affect her but he should be keeping it in his head. When he uses it against her, or indirectly against her through you, he's in the wrong.