Myself and significant other

[fishman65]

OK I wasn't ever going to post about this on the forum but I need to throw it out there. A few other good people on this site know but when we are battling anxiety already then all the emotion snowballs. I'm not even sure whether this is the right forum let alone section but I can see another thread that addresses the same subject.

Six months or so ago my lovely wife went off out for the day with a relative but she actually went to meet up with another man. There had been some 'sexting' leading up to it, done right under my nose as it turned out. I won't bore you with details but she told me a couple of days later after our son threatened to tell me.

So why am I posting this here, six months after it happened? A good question but I feel I'm on a rollercoaster. Things peaked at Christmas/new year and we worked through them. But we seem to keep doing that, working through things but it keeps coming full circle. Haven't you got enough to worry about you may ask. Well yes, but anxiety has proven to be a bizarre ally in that sense by distracting me. It's the lulls between bad phases of anxiety, that's when I remember again. The humiliation, the hurt.

About a week after it happened, I had been decorating and laying tiles, something that had needed doing for some time. I overheard her talking to our son's ex, saying that she should have affairs more often, as in it gets me doing jobs. Our son has a new woman in his life now and she and the wife get on really well together, 'best buddies well'. I keep thinking they are sniggering, they have been out to lunch together more than once. Maybe they are, maybe not. I still love her despite everything and that should be enough. But should I still be struggling with it? Does talking through it really work? After all talking is just words, they can't undo what happened.

[KK77]

You are a decent chap from what I've read of your posts Fishman, and frankly, I think you deserve a lot better. I will be brutally honest and say I think this is the beginning of the end for your marriage. You sound willing to try to salvage your marriage and "talk" through all this despite your humiliation and hurt but I don't get the impression from your wife's behaviour that she feels likewise. Perhaps she wants her cake and to eat it, so the question is: Are you willing to allow her to do that?

You say you love her and I believe you. But does she still love you?

I hope you find a way forward with the help of your son perhaps - who seems to be firmly on your side. Very brave of you to post this and I'm sorry you've had to endure all this on top of your own MH struggles.

[Carys]

I also think you deserve a hell of a lot more than this! I have to ask you, sniggering or not sniggering, after your talking....do you trust her? From the words you've written here, she doesn't sound very repentant to me.


No, you can't undo what happened, but you would at least expect remorse and a respectful attitude towards the pain it has caused you - not chatting about it to someone (son's ex !!!!) about it in such a flippant way.

[pulisa]

You are assuming the role of the "guilty party" here, Fishman, not your wife who is apparently taking it all very lightly indeed. Your wife would expect to trust you but could you expect the same from her? Belittling infidelity-if indeed it actually happened-is a pretty low blow.

[Buster70]

She definitely should have said that even if she thought you wouldn't hear , I know too well keeping in all the anger isn't good it turns into depression , one comment like that could push you over the edge .
We are in a similar situation trying to make our relationships like they used to be when maybe it just can't be done .
Hope you do find the answer . If not have you thought about being gay ? They always look bloody happy
Take care mate .

[fishman65]

Thank you KK77, Carys, Pulisa and Buster. I hesitated to post here as you all have your own troubles but I think I haven't really dealt with this since last June, I've just ignored it. I do think she loves me and she's said it would never happen again, but then I thought it wouldn't happen at all. We had a big argument the other night and she became hysterical after I said it was over. That's when my resentment surfaces, if we argue. And then all the making up of previous days is undone.

Buster, yes depression has reared its head lately. The ven/mirt combination I'm on has been excellent but is being tested. I've considered becoming gay yes, but at the risk of sounding politically incorrect, I'm happy being straight.

OK I need to sign off as she's sitting on the other side of the room. That's another thing that's happened, she's suspicious of what I type online.

[MyNameIsTerry]

Fishman,

I'm sorry to hear this. It's surely one hell of a rock in the relationship pond which brings a load of natural feelings out in us. Resentment, failures becoming weaponised, suspicion, etc. I guess that's to be expected otherwise it wouldn't be the kind of relationship that mattered in the first place?

Has it all been said on both sides? Or are there things that are eating away at either of you because now things are difficult it's easier to feel them more intensely?

These situations are something I always believe are hard to judge because without seeing truthful accounts by both parties you never know what on earth goes on behind closed doors. I'm sure you appreciate this. However, like others have said you've only ever come across as a good guy on here. You spend a lot of your life supporting others and so hearing something like this tends to make people as you would expect the opposite in that you both live for each other and nothing else even enters your minds. Some women have blokes who need prodding into action and here you are worrying about her health and jumping to get the help needed and facing how unwell it makes you feel but not letting it stop you.

I guess it has to be about seeing why? What on both sides leads to it? Can or does that need to be better or has it been more a selfish act by one party?

The comment she made was in very bad taste. She has obviously discussed this with her but making a glib comment is unwise. However, it may just have been a stupid moment and a much smaller issue than the rest. It may not mean there is intent there but perhaps just illustrates poor judgement on her part or maybe exposes some thoughts she has about wanting more from you? And that could just be more from you, not elsewhere. They obviously talk about personal stuff and I guess you may need to respect that but they also need to respond your feelings over this and keep things private. And perhaps there are limits on what is discussed outside a marriage.

I don't mean to offend so if I've said anything upsetting, I apologise. Trying to be a bit neutral as well as raise a few questions that have likely been dogging you loads but you have support on here when you need it however things go.

[WiseMonkey]

Sorry to hear of your wife's infidelity, you don't say whether she is still seeing the 'other man' or if the affair is finished?

I guess this comes down to whether this is a deal breaker for you? I know some people do talk about their deal breakers when they get into a new relationship, so the other person knows their partners expectations in life. This does make it easier for both parties when one person crosses the boundary.

However, despite this, it is common decency not to cheat on your partner, but to talk to them if you are unhappy in the relationship, then try and sort things out or end it.

But there are some people who just do what they want without a care as to what their partner thinks, they just hope they won't be caught! These types usually repeat their bad behaviour because they know their partner will always forgive them and take them back.

Like Terry said, it's difficult to say what's what when we don't know both sides of the story. You have to do what's right for you and you will know this at a gut (inner level).

If your marriage doesn't end soon then it most likely will some time in the future. Both of you will be unhappy and sooner or later the pattern will repeat and one of you will end the relationship.

Take care

[pulisa]

I think it's very important that you continue to be respected in this marriage and are not just considered as a pushover who can be relied on to pick up the pieces and do all the work. It's demoralising and depressing. Protect your mental health and tell her how her behaviours have impacted on your own wellbeing? If she cares she will take this on board.

[Carnation]

Fishman, I decided to take my time in replying to your post, which quite honestly took me by surprise.
Considering the state of her health and you being her carer, I found it quite a shock.
How she can have an affair, when you are running around to attend to her needs is beyond me.
I speak from the heart fishman and my intentions are not to offend you personally, but she is totally out of order in my eyes. And to make a comment like that is cruel.
I don't know all the ins and outs of your relationship but don't be walked over fishman, you need to have a good talk with her before it infests inside of you and makes you paranoid and doubt everything she says and does.
You have your own wellbeing to consider. Take care.