Myself and significant other

[fishman65]

No worries Terry you haven't offended me. An even hand is sometimes called for in such an emotive subject. Also it is very true that you guys are only hearing one side of the story, sadly she would probably go ballistic if she saw this topic typed up here so my story will have to suffice.

To give my wife her dues, things have been dull and predictable. I've hardly showered her with gifts or made her feel special, perhaps that is the reason she looked for affection elsewhere. She did actually say it was attention, almost as though any man would do. I think in the immediate aftermath that's why I went hell for leather on the DIY, to buy her loyalty? I think I've lapsed back into old habits though, when you battle anxiety/depression it doesn't always leave room for romance. Not to mention her own illnesses.

Which brings me to your observation Carnation. How did she manage to get a lift to a town 15 miles away, then proceed to a relative's house and get blind drunk where I found her that night, slumped on their bathroom floor? I had to fetch her back because all her so called family were too blitzed to do it. She drank almost a full bottle of whiskey that day, despite hardly ever drinking and on top of her medication. She said she drank because of what she did earlier that day.

I remember that morning. Her relative was due to fetch her, I had got half way to my Dad's but pulled over to phone her. Something made me do it, a gut feeling? I got upset and said I loved her, she never asked me to come back. She went ahead and that's what really kills, I'll never forget that.

Thank you Terry, WiseMonkey, pulisa and Carnation, your input is much valued.

PS - it was a one-off WiseMonkey, hopefully will stay that way but just once is bad enough. I've told her I would be gone if it happened again, I won't be made a fool of.

[WiseMonkey]

PS - it was a one-off WiseMonkey, hopefully will stay that way but just once is bad enough. I've told her I would be gone if it happened again, I won't be made a fool of.

It's good that you've laid down the boundary and told her that if it happens again then it's a deal breaker. Your challenge is to make sure that you stick to it if it happens again.

Reminds me of that song 'Shame on you if you fool me once, Shame on me if you fool me twice'.

[Buster70]

Fish , I remember way back when we said some things we darn't put on a public forum for fear of who would read it namely our other halfs so I know this must be eating away at you for you to put it on here , trust is so hard to regain after it's been betrayed , my partner has betrayed my trust but not in the way yours has , this happened to my brother a couple of years ago and I asked him something I often ask myself , do you want to stay with her because you truly love her and know you can forgive her or because you don't want to be alone ? Like me you have family it's a lot to give up on .
I don't have the answer for you I don't even have the answer for my situation, maybe time will tell .
Ps after a Doctor gave me a rectal examination I knew being gay wasn't going to be for me find somthing to laugh about each day even if it means leaving banana skins outside your house .
Take care .

[Carnation]

Fishman, please don't feel guilty for not treating your other half like a princess.
Mr C does not shower me with gifts or to be blunt, have regular romping sessions in the bedroom. Our anxieties and being carers took precedence over that.
What happened to just loving someone, being there for each other and being loyal? As you get older, you don't expect the bunch of flowers when you get home, the loving glares or smooching in the car on a Saturday night. What you expect is someone to share life with who you feel comfortable with and experience life and that means not hurting that person.
And I agree with you, for someone who is normally debilitated with her illness to get in to that state and want to is very hard to take in. I can only summarise that some coaxing was involved.
Anyway, it's already happened and you can't change that.
You have to look at the here and now.
And if you love someone fishman, you must not let them disrespect you, there must be some ground rules.
You have enough on your plate and you can't spend your time worrying about your wife's behaviour.
I think that she would be very aware that considering her illnesses that she is much more secure with you, but you can not be a safe home for her, she needs to wake up and smell the roses. It's not a game, people get hurt!

[pulisa]

You do absolutely everything for her, Fishman. Maybe it's time she gave something back to you both practically and emotionally. She may have been diagnosed with illnesses but so are many people and you deserve to be treated with respect.

[KK77]

To give my wife her dues, things have been dull and predictable. I've hardly showered her with gifts or made her feel special, perhaps that is the reason she looked for affection elsewhere. She did actually say it was attention, almost as though any man would do. I think in the immediate aftermath that's why I went hell for leather on the DIY, to buy her loyalty? I think I've lapsed back into old habits though, when you battle anxiety/depression it doesn't always leave room for romance. Not to mention her own illnesses.

If she thought your marriage had become "dull and predictable" she could have made an effort herself to create excitement, instead of seeking it elsewhere. Women are free to shower men with gifts and affection too.

Don't fall into the trap of blaming yourself, Fishman. I think your wife took an opportunity because she could and little would have changed that. Mustn't blame yourself any more.

Look to the future and what YOU want from life now

[fishman65]

A huge thank you to everyone who has responded with kindness and much wisdom, you are a very special group of people. But then I knew that already. Even so today we did our weekly shop and got on really well, it's those times when I think I'm making a huge deal of what happened, that what she did wasn't so bad in the cosmic scheme of things, that she is human? It's the other times though, the everyday differences that all couples get, that's when the hurt rears it's head. For some reason Xmas/new year brought out the worst of it, probably because it's a time when we look both backward and forward.

We did talk about seeing a marriage guidance counsellor, but I'm not sure talking it over really solves anything. Discussion uses our analytical brains but what we would be discussing would involve the very base instincts and emotions from where infidelity, sexual deviancy and the like are derived. I think what really went down that day was a mistake on her part, albeit a premeditated one. Some might say we are all capable of infidelity if the circumstances are right, I would agree with that though others may not. Am I making excuses for her? I hope not but what I do know is that being cheated on hurts like hell, everything you believed in becomes questionable, the ground shifts under your feet and you just lose that trust in the one person you thought had your back. Can that trust be rebuilt? Maybe with time, I hope so anyway.

Buster, I had a rectal examination two years ago and can honestly say it's not something I'd recommend either, so opting for an alternative sexual orientation is not on the cards. I hope you're not disappointed?

[Buster70]

So a windy walk is out of the question , ehh plenty more fish in the sea

[Darksky]

You can move on from this if you really want to and possibly even forgive but you will never forget. A small kernel of hurt will remain forever. You will learn to bury it deep.
But you are not making a big deal out of what happened...it was a big deal. Yes in the grand scheme of things it's small but it's huge in your life and your life is what matters most.
Only you know if it's worth fighting for. If it is, go for it and if she's up for it equally, you will come through this, possibly stronger. It will take time though, you won't wake up in a month or so, magically having forgiven her overnight. You need to take time to lick your wounds and recover.

[WiseMonkey]

Buster, I had a rectal examination two years ago and can honestly say it's not something I'd recommend either, so opting for an alternative sexual orientation is not on the cards. I hope you're not disappointed?

After having a few of these examinations myself over the years I'd pleased to have a woman Dr ... smaller fingers!!