Myself and significant other

[Carnation]

Ok, I can hear you don't want to split fishman, it's probably more a case of handling it from now on.
Maybe have that talk, talk about your emotions and how you don't expect a repercussion.
I'll let you in to secret....
I had an incident with Mr C about 15 years ago.
As he said it he got himself involved in a situation that escalated in to something more.
Well, we are still together.

[fishman65]

Buster, a candle-lit dinner is more my style Seriously though, back in the early 90s myself and a group of friends went to Devon for a weekend. B&Bs were nearly all booked up in this particular town and me and my best mate were forced to accept a room with a double bed. We went out of our way to make it obvious the camp-bed, which had been stood in the corner, had been slept in by one of us. We were so conscious of our hosts thinking we were gay, we made sure they heard us discussing rugby and car engines over breakfast. How sad is that?

Darksky, thank you. I can forgive, in fact I think I already have. 'Think' being the word because watching Eastenders tonight and Linda Carter asks hubby Mick to help out in the bar. He says no and tells her to get Stuart over for 'a shift'. I thought yes that's me speaking. Apologies to people who don't watch it.

WiseMonkey, would we want to be the doctor though? I can think of better things to do.

Carnation, yes I want it to work. And I'm sorry it happened to you, it seems much more common than we would like. The fact you are both together still is encouraging, I'm happy for you.

[MyNameIsTerry]

So, when she got so drunk was that because she regretted her actions? At the time it seemed strange but it sounded like her family were a bad influence, especially considering her health & meds. On that note, do you think they have played any part in this by things they say?

The fact she still went ahead with it despite taking the time to tell her you loved her is a hard one. Maybe it was after? If it was before then that's going to hurt.

I don't tend to buy into this not giving attention thing much. That doesn't mean you can't tackle that, or try to, or decide to leave/end a relationship before taking an action. It sounds like something that didn't turn out to be what she thought it could be if it is an isolated event or maybe it taught her how wrong it was?

Perhaps that's in both your favours though as she has learnt it's not what she wants or what she even thought it would be?

Something mentioned by others is how attention changes as you age together. Don't you just grow into each other and do things or not but unlike when younger/newer into a relationship it's less about reward and just doing it because you do it? If that makes sense?

So, perhaps her expectations need adjusting too? It depends on you both, how you are. Not everyone goes in for this naked with rose up your bum singing a love ballad in the middle of the street in your fifties type stuff.

[fishman65]

So, when she got so drunk was that because she regretted her actions? At the time it seemed strange but it sounded like her family were a bad influence, especially considering her health & meds. On that note, do you think they have played any part in this by things they say?

The fact she still went ahead with it despite taking the time to tell her you loved her is a hard one. Maybe it was after? If it was before then that's going to hurt.

It was definitely before she left Terry, around 10 or 10 30am. Her cousin had arranged to pick her up. I knew something wasn't right, gut feelings are not something I've believed in but perhaps we pick up on subconscious cues? I was maybe halfway to my Dad's who lives around 5 miles away, pulled over and dialled our landline. She answered and seemed surprised, I choked up and said I loved her. She asked if I was ok but I remember clear as day that she made no attempt to ask me to come home.

OK here's the deal. This cousin, I later found out via my son and teenage daughter that he had made comments about her. That she was 'stunning' and 'if only we weren't cousins'. Maybe I shouldn't be typing this, but my suspicion is that it was her cousin. Because this mystery man, whom she had met online, had no second name, she didn't know where he lived, only that he just happened to be passing her cousin's flat, in a town of maybe 20,000 people? I was expected to believe that, no doubt you can smell the bullshit from there. I will never know the truth, I do know she cheated and I think it was with her cousin. Not illegal no but pretty damn close to home. I feel shaky just saying this out loud.

[MyNameIsTerry]

I don't mean to provide any excuses but it smells a bit like this cousin was doing the running. Perhaps she realised after what a mistake it was and how she had been a fool?

It does raise some further questions over her family. How can you move forward if this cousin is in the background?

[Darksky]

I will be harder now you can put a face to this fling. A mystery man who steps out from the shadows then disappears never to return is easier to deal with. Now you are dealing with a real man with a face you know and recognise.
Does this cousin live close by?

---------- Post added at 21:28 ---------- Previous post was at 18:30 ----------

Sorry, that should say ...It will be harder....not I will be harder. My brain is several steps ahead of my fingers

[fishman65]

Belittling infidelity-if indeed it actually happened-is a pretty low blow.

Hi guys and thank you for your very helpful replies. I've quoted Pulisa because she's spent a lot of time being a very good friend via PM and email over the past months, and you may have been mystified by her comment as to whether the infidelity ever did happen. I hope she doesn't mind.

Anyway, the cousin lives in this larger town, roughly 16 miles from where we live. To put Pulisa's comment into context, I've questioned too whether the 'incident' happened at all, whether the whole thing was made up to gain my attention. Because there are other layers to my wife's story, one being that when she went off with this mysterious man she had met online, she changed her mind at the last minute but he forced himself on her. I asked her why she didn't call the police, but she said that because of what she was doing and the circumstances, she couldn't.

So I'm faced with four possibilities 1- She had consensual sex with her cousin. 2- She had consensual sex with the mystery man. 3- She was effectively raped by the mystery man or 4- None of these happened. After she admitted whatever happened, I questioned her over various points but she stuck with number 3 and has done so ever since. This is why I will never know the truth. Personally I believe she had consensual sex with her cousin, especially after the comments he made or allegedly made. Though you could probably take your pick.

She hasn't seen the cousin since all this occurred last June, though she did receive a few calls on our mobile until I asked her to stop all contact. I felt sick every time he rang and if she resumed contact I would have to consider our future together. I used to have total trust in her but now I've become a suspicious person. It changes you, I just never saw it coming.

---------- Post added at 23:51 ---------- Previous post was at 23:49 ----------

PS - no worries Darksky, I know the feeling.

[Carnation]

In that case fishman why would she say, "I should have affairs more often"!?!?!? Look at the evidence.
Either she has done this from her own free will or it is a story made up to gain a reaction.
I am inclined to think affairs are secret, you don't go around announcing what you did, that's why they are called affairs. And once? Would you class that as an affair? I may be wrong, but I am beginning to think that it the whole thing has been mastered up with the help of the family for reaction purposes.
Whatever happened, your trust will never be the same.
This will play on your mind until you have hard evidence and even then, it won't necessarily change anything about the way you feel.
There's always a part of me that thinks, "would he?" with Mr C. But the positives outweigh the negatives in our relationship. x

[Darksky]

Hmmmm I'm not struck with the number 3 option. If she had been effectively raped by this mystery man she met online, she would be extremely traumatised. Also she wouldn't be laughing at how her affair kick started your diy skills, if she had been attacked. Not keen on number 4 either, would she really make such an awful thing up just to perk up her marriage? Hurt her husband, break their trust and run the risk of divorce. I'm not sure.
Anyway it's done, as you say, you may never know what happened....now you have to rebuild, but I agree you will be suspicious of every little thing for quite some time. All this is going to take time but plenty of people come through this sort of thing, some in my family. Give yourself all the time you need and take care.

[MyNameIsTerry]

I agree with the above, I don't but that. Why make light of it? Why call it an affair when it's an attack?

This to me is a bigger issue because an attack means it changes how you can feel about it. She changed her mind yet someone then assaulted her. That clouds feelings of why she thought of getting into the situation with the obvious compassion for her being a victim.

Falsely claiming that is worse.

If she makes something up to gain attention, ok I can understand that, but to try to claim this does she not understand how it makes your feelings change? To use an attack would make it quite narcissistic. I know it's not unheard of for women, and men, to claim this though and maybe she hasn't considered how this is so much worse than just claiming her responsibility in any consensual activity? And that's before one man might start calling the police himself on another man who is potentially innocent.