I really can’t deal with the thought of someone seeing me as their ‘best friend’ or being too comfortable with me because it makes me feel so ill because I can’t let myself go completely out of fear of letting them down – I can’t maintain that level of responsibility, I find it so overwhelming and that is so selfish of me and I can’t understand why. Like the closer someone gets to me, the less control I have over my own life. Like their need for me overpowers what I can do for myself. It consumes me entirely. I look at my whole life and see a life lead by others and it made me so resentful and so regretful. I am always in another persons situation which has stopped me from growing as an individual as I'm not myself fully to be polite or fit in. It’s obviously not right but I cannot resolve it and undo what I have made an expectation of myself. It has been made very clear to me over the past two years. I am trying to be so perfect but keeping people at arm’s length to save myself from breaking down completely. It makes me feel useless and so guilty. If I am not there and perfect for everything I feel disgustingly guilty. So I cannot win. I want to be there and support more than anything but I don’t want to get trapped in something that I fear so badly I will fail at. I just want to be free and breathe. I want to enjoy my relationships and be myself – but I know I cannot maintain my level of expectation. I am so entirely scared of not providing what is expected of me that I make myself so ill. I don’t like saying this to those closest either because I feel I owe them for listening to me, for understanding me. Like I am being difficult and I am indebted to them once again. If I provide someone so much support which I wish to, I am so scared that I will get stuck in this level of intense communication here on out and I just don’t work like that. I need to breathe but I cannot forgive myself for this. Please help.