Hello Everyone.

Be warned. A very long post of my anxiety/ issues.

I feel many people do not seem to understand the impact anxiety and depression has on me and it is getting to the point where the doctors do not know what to do to help me. I have not responded well to any of the medications they have tried (I get all the side effects and they turn me into a crazy person) and I have been trying to seek a therapist for advice; however, nobody will return my calls or gets back to me. I am often put on "waiting lists" although that often seems like a dead end as well (going on 2 years now). I even tried working with an online therapist only to "not have one available" when trying to initiate contact.

I feel like I suffer from Depression (not diagnosed). While I do not feel like my self-worth/ esteem is directly affected, I do constantly feel lonely/sad and wish to have companionship in my life and have someone special to share memories with. The holidays are by far the worse for me. I see some friends with families and wish so bad to have that. I have stopped going to certain social events that involve all couples due to the fact it makes me feel so sad and lonely at the end of the day (I'm the only single one in my group of coworkers/ friends and now it's pretty much all couples), I just can't help but feel so down about it.

I know a lot of the depression is stemming from the following...

I found out about five or so years ago I have a blood clotting disorder; and was told by doctors that if I ever were to want children, due to my risk factors/ family history, I should do it sooner rather than later (concerns after the age of 35 were addressed and I was advised to start family planning soon if this is something I want). Obviously, this is something I have wanted my whole life. I feel like I am up against a clock now to find "someone special" which really isn't something you can force or put a time frame on. This has been an ongoing discussion with my doctor who has been very confident and supportive of medical advances and my case- yet I still find myself thinking about this every day.

Will I find someone in time? How do I even tell someone about this medical problem if I do get close to them? What if I don't find someone? Has anyone else been up against the clock on something like this?

I tried addressing it with my family. They only seem to make it worse by telling me "how sorry they feel for me" and I feel like they just amplify the sadness. They tell me how there are procedures now and I don't "need" a husband/guy to start or have a family- I could get a donor. While I know this is an option (it's my last resort), I want someone to deeply and truly care about me and I want to share that special bond with someone. This has been a huge depression factor for me lately and it's a sensitive one as well.

I'm 28 years old, I'm a hard worker who's pretty smart with my money and my goals (going to buy a house soon)- my whole life is pretty much my career and becoming stable, I guess you could say. I have tried dating- with no success. I made some good friends along the way, but not exactly what I'm looking for. I know I am a very talkative, friendly person which can be intimidating for many people. I struggle also intimately "clicking" with people as well, and those few I do often "click" with are unavailable, which I respect. I'd honestly rather be alone than using someone for companionship simply because I want someone. It's not my style and it's not morally right to me.

To top off my struggles with this depression, I also have massive college loans other medical issues as well which have been impacting everything- and I feel like there is always something going on. While I am being diligent with following up on those other issues with all my specialists (dental/ jaw issues, back/shoulder issues going to PT, migraines, etc), I feel like I can never get ahead. Not to mention, the medical bills only seem to pile up and I feel like I am always in pain with something. I manage though.

I also have severe anxiety with health and other things. And I'm sure the anxiety is making everything worse.

I went through a minor depression in 2008 due to a failed relationship and I know the journal helped me a lot. I know I have come so far from where I was; however, I feel like I'm on a crunch against the clock with certain things and I feel stuck. I find myself every day wondering how can I cope with this. I try to distract myself with lots of hobbies which is ok, but every night when I try to sleep it all floods back. I also don't sleep much due to not being able to turn off the thoughts. I find myself waking up in the morning with dried tears on my face as well, or just waking up crying.

Has anybody else gone through similar things? What do you do to cope/ feel better? I feel like I keep creating all these hobbies to mask how I really feel and I'm not really sure this is healthy to do. I am trying to go out and meet new people and spend time around those who make me happy, but I feel like once they leave- all of this sadness comes back. I cannot avoid certain situations forever, but I don't know how to handle them and still keep my mind in one piece without breaking down crying. I'd like to be able to attend a party again where there are all couples and be ok with it- without avoiding it or going into the bathroom breaking down.

Any advice would be awesome. Or if you had a similar experience(s), I'd love to hear it! I appreciate and thank everyone who reads my post. This is something I have kept hush-hush for years only bringing it up to those closest to me, and I felt this would be the best place to just let it all out and hopefully get some advice

Thank you,