Daughter

[Darksky]

I think it would do her good to have her friend over. I know you quite naturally want to talk to her but teens respond to girlfriends better than talking to their dad and granddad. When I had a problem at that age, I would never, ever, ever have confided in my mother... just no.
So gently encourage her to have that friend over. There is very little else you can actually do, you feel helpless I know but just being there for her will mean a great deal.

[Buster70]

Fish when my daughter left hospital after a week in intensive care no one contacted her from mental health , bearing in mind she was top of the transplant list you'd think they would at least contact her to make sure she was ok but nothing , they never did but luckily she got better with family help and quit school to get a job , she got through it and so will your daughter but if you think she needs professional help you have to push them and lay it on thick of you get nowhere, in their defence if you've ever sat in the hospital where overdoses go it's packed every day so they are stretched to the limit .
One thing I can say about after an overdose and this was pointed out by alcoholic neighbour who has gone through it many times , she said afterwards you feel very embarrassed about what youve done and talking to people isn't what you want straight away , she will talk in her own time .
Like Darksky said you can never stop worrying about them no matter how old they are .
Take care .

[fishman65]

Thank you both. I know what you're saying is right, I've not seen her like this before. She normally showers every day but hasn't for nearly a week, that's just not her. The friend was a lad not a girl, she said it's purely platonic as she doesn't want to get involved with anyone. Hardly surprising but she didn't want him over anyway.

I've tried to get her to come with me on my walks around town but no luck. I think this time of year doesn't help, Jan and Feb are grim months at the best of times, probably clutching at straws there though. She told me last night that she had lost everything. Meaning her boyfriend and job. That's depression talking isn't it, as if her life were pointless without those.

Thanks Buster, that makes things clearer in my mind. I've heard from various sources now that professional help is thin on the ground. I shouldn't really be surprised, when I tried to do something silly way back in 1989, I was enrolled in a relaxation class. No counselling, no meds.

[Mav]

Sorry to hear that about your daughter, hope things look up for her very quickly x

[MyNameIsTerry]

I was going to say what Buster said, not only has she got everything she already had going through her mind but now there is embarrassment, disappointment she perceives she has caused, etc.

Obviously some talking is needed but I think what you are doing with getting her up & about is better. Get some normality into her life. My folks have always advised me when something big happens, like a death or bad diagnosis, the person can often just benefit from being there with you and doing the boring stuff in life as it keeps them going. Maybe adding back in the boring daily routines is needed and then the big talks will just happen or the door will be opened to them? In depression treatment they do this by just a couple of new things a week and add onto them so you build back up into healthy routines.

I haven't been through this experience but I remember at my worst I would weeks without showing and some days without even washing. I grew beards. Everything becomes so overwhelming or pointless. We look at it as a big whole thing rather than a serious of tiny things we can chip away at. Just do some of it, build up and it will come back.

She may not be ready for the talks so perhaps you could say come out for a wander and it's not for any chats but just for some fresh air? She probably just wants to hide from the world right now and needs reminding that the majority of your life the world isn't interested and doesn't know what has been going on in your life or in your head. Just go for a walk with dad even if it's not around other people. Give granddad a hand with some shopping being put away.

She's just beginning in life, she just can't see it right now. Classic negative thinking of low moods or depression. It's too be expected after what she has been through. She just needs what you can provide, experience of how this stuff hits us many times in life but it goes on many a person has found something better.

[fishman65]

Thanks Mav and Terry. Her friend is here tonight and sleeping over. So hopefully she'll find some solace with that. In effect she is grieving, nobody has died but the person she loved so much has gone. That's going to involve a process that will take time.

Terry yes I think that's what we need to do, build her back up slowly but with what she can cope with. Small increments. Right now she doesn't want to leave her room, which stirs up uncomfortable memories in me. Then I feel guilty for thinking about myself but I suppose that's because I'm looking into a mirror. I don't think she's in any position to be looking for work until she's had some kind of professional intervention.

[fishman65]

Just a quick update to say my daughter has seemed more optimistic over recent days. A group of her friends have planned a trip to Nottingham in the spring and she says she's going too. Also she has a job interview for a local co-op next Wednesday, so some forward planning which can only be a good sign. So fingers crossed that this is an entirely natural reaction to a breakup and not a sign of something more sinister/long term.

However, life being as it is, my son's eldest boy had to stay in hospital overnight after the school mini-bus they were travelling in was hit from behind by a lunatic in a Mercedes, spinning the mini-bus round and on to the grass verge. He suffered a head injury but received the all clear yesterday.

[Carnation]

It never stops for you fishman....
I think you can put your daughter's actions to being devastated with losing her b/f. It is devastation at that age, but in time she will rebuild her life again.

[Buster70]

That's good she's making plans , hope it carries on that way , my daughter did change a lot of things in her life afterwards .
If she needs a list of places in Notts not to go let me know I go to all the rough places , it does have a lot of good places as well and good city centre , I'm always telling my daughter she should go more places while she's young .

[Darksky]

Well all that sounds a lot more positive. She's moving forwards and making plans. All good stuff
Life does have ways of giving you a quick kick when you're already down. Thank goodness he's ok. Hopefully you've had your share of rubbish for a long while.