Abnormal cells diary...

[EmmerLooeez]

I wish I hadn't have called them now. I don't know what is worse. Thinking they could be here any minute or thinking about facing another 7 weeks like this.

I'm so worried :( I know the risk is increased when you had intercourse at a young age and so were potentially exposed to HPV earlier, ofc with my past abuse I was exposed way earlier than I should have been and my body is obviously not getting rid of the HPV :( I've been worrying because abnormal cells have been with me for 9 years but I just had a thought that that's only the minimum they've been with me. That was my first smear test that they were picked up on. Therefore who knows how long I had them and HPV.

[Scass]

I had a transvaginal ultrasound that bought up something suspicious on my ovary & I was put on the 2 week referral. My appointment was 3 days later with the gynaecologist who did another ultrasound & blood tests. Then I had an MRI just before Christmas (so I know all about trying to keep up appearances for the family). Then I waited over 3 weeks for a letter saying that the cyst was benign, then an appointment just last week with the gynaecologist to confirm that. I have a thread on it. I received so much support & kindness whilst I was stuck in the middle of the awful fear tornado.

Also wanted to add that not being able to have a bath is a horror! I pretty much live in the bath when I’m having high anxiety.

How horrible to get a call from the doctors today over something else .


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[pulisa]

It's very hard when you have to carry on as normal when inside you are beside yourself with terror but can't let on because you can't upset anyone...

And you're on high alert for any phone call/letter just confirming that bad news.

You've got through another day, Emma..No one can say anything to make it easier for you-it's just awful when you are waiting and in limbo and have free range to speculate on worst case scenarios. I've been in this situation with other investigations and you just have to go on auto pilot and stop caring because you are not going to change the outcome and what will be will be. It's almost better when you know whatever the outcome..anything rather than the uncertainty.

Keep posting. Let us know how you are and well done for getting through another day xx

[EmmerLooeez]

Scass - I'm so thankful that your results were okay! I know just how awful that waiting must have been for you. I'm glad that you received good support too. I'm so beyond thankful for the replies I've been getting on this thread whilst I'm like this. I really can't verbalise how grateful I am.
Not having a bath is horror! The two times I crave my bath are when I'm mentally unwell or when I have period pains - right now is the perfect combination. It'll be a nice treat to be able to get one again lol. I may get some Lush products in to celebrate.

Pulisa - thank you, it is hard having to pretend that you're fine for everyone else. Did your investigations come back okay? I hope that they did and that you're alright. Logically I know that that mentality is the one to adopt and I have moments where I do feel like that but then it creeps back in. I have to say I'm very anxious but perhaps not as anxious as I was last week so that's certainly something. I've been a bit of a hermit but the last two days I've gone out with the kids and had a nice time and have forgotten about everything. It's hard when you're anxious over results isn't it. When I've been worried over X, Y or Z my husband has just told me that it's anxiety and it will be okay, but with this situation his response is "no matter what the results are we will face it together" - which is obviously gorgeous - but makes me worry all the same.

Thank you so much again guys for being here for me. I so appreciate it and will reciprocate wherever I can! Tomorrow is day 9 and as I'm at work until 2 I won't be waiting around for the postman. I also have no mobile signal at work so I won't be hanging around my phone either! Xxx

[EmmerLooeez]

I came to work yesterday at 8pm.. Stayed on the work computer until midnight-ish. I was asleep by 1am, was awoken by a man shouting around 3.30am, panicked myself stupid until nearly 5am and then got in my car and drove home!!! Had a few hours sleep and then came back in at 8.30 this morning.

I thought I was hallucinating and was becoming *really* unwell. Though my colleague this morning said she heard it too, which is awful as there are no men where I work. At least I'm not going too crazy.. Yet.

Day 9 today!!! xxx

[pulisa]

That sounds like a gruelling work schedule. Lack of/broken sleep can't help your anxiety?

I recently had to wait 4 weeks for tests for a particular cancer. I told my immediate family not to ring me on my mobile, just to text me instead..I lived in dread of the" number withheld" phone call..Every time the post came I panicked but in the end i was informed by email that all was ok. Just like that and after all that angst and worry!

It's good that your husband is supportive and empathetic. Mine was in tears when the subject was mentioned which I hated. It really didn't help. Much better to be a team and in it together. He sounds a really strong and committed man who just wants to help you get through this long wait xx

[Scass]

Wow you must be exhausted (which won’t help). I hope you get a good sleep tonight.
X


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[EmmerLooeez]

No Pulisa, I don't think it does help my anxiety but we're terribly in debt and I want to earn as much as I can. I'm working 2-10 today and then on call until 8am tomorrow, but next week I'm only working two mornings and one night! So next week will be a lot more chilled. I'm really glad your tests were okay! 4 weeks is an absolutely ridiculous wait.

Thanks Scass. I did

Day 10 Tomorrow will be nice because I will be waiting for the postman and not my phone and Sunday I wouldn't hear anything anyway. Yesterday I received a letter from the NHS and royally shat myself, although it was just to renew my prepayment certificate ffs.

I hope you're all well today xx

[EmmerLooeez]

I'm not doing great this afternoon. At work I've been feeling dizzy and lightheaded and have had some 'brain zap' type feelings when I move my head too quickly. The last time that I had those was when I was weaning from Fluoxetine so it's strange that I'm getting them now. I think it's probably anxiety, I'm obsessively taking my temperature at work to make sure it isn't an infection from this procedure. My temp is around 37.9 - I think this is okay? I just feel as though I'm 'coming down' with something, I'm usually fine now when I'm ill and work through it, I'm just worrying about the possibility of infection as I've started bleeding today as well.

Anyway no post today. No phone calls. Only 4 days until I hit that two week mark! I can tell my anxiety is definitely getting better re: waiting for the results, but I'm still obsessing over it every day. Maybe just not as much.

[Scass]

Your temp is ok, it’s a bit warmer today too.
Possibly your brain zaps are from tiredness? You probably just need a good night sleep (remember them?!) x


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