* warning: LONG POST*
hi everyone, i am a long long long time sufferer from anxiety but this time it has morphed into something different, involving a new friend. Back story on me and this friend is we met at work, became good friends really quickly and she helped me alot getting my confidence back with my job role and career. She had her own issues with someone she liked at work and i became a shoulder to cry on and helped her through that, we helped each other out alot! over time we grew closer and we ended up speaking everyday which for me was lovely and making lots of plans together! i hadnt had a close close friend like her in a while and it felt good to have someone always to talk to besides my boyfriend. Then suddenly out of no where my stupid brain decides she was too good for me and i had an instrusive thought about her not wanting to be my friend anymore! its ridiculous i know but this is the way my brain tends to work sadly, telling me things that arent true and torturing me. i mentioned it to her in a msg saying 'oh im worried you dont want to be my friend anymore' half joking half serious and she didnt reply. at first i carried on then after a while when she didnt reply this is when i really started to panic. i kept messaging her saying i was worried because i really generally was scared i had actually upset her and done something! again the same thing happened and she ignored all my messages. by this point i had worked myself up som much to the point of having a panic attack. when she eventually replied her responce was not one of kindness but anger. she basically told me i was being weird and she couldnt be assed to respond to my messages. i get that my worry was out of the blue and with no real evidence (anxiety for you!) but alls i needed was some reassurence or atleast a shut up stop being silly kinda reply! her reply really hurt my feelings as i thought she was a good friend and wouldn't be like that with me. First thing i did was apologise for my own sillyness and then i again expected her to say something kinder but she didnt reply. Now this really triggered my anxiety big time! first thing was her calling me weird which i find very hard to bare and secondly the fact she could just be so flippant with me when she knows i suffer from anxiety from time to time. The next day at work i knew she was in so i decided not to message her again and talk in person. As soon as i saw her i i said can we speak and i tried to explain myself best i could. She nodded along to my side of the story and just said 'its ok its ok' and kinda acted like it hasnt happened and she didnt have time to speak to me properly, which again was strange for her. i said i was sorry again for being 'weird' and started my day at work. All day at work i was suffering with major anxiety over what had happened, not sure if i was a bad person, weird or just going crazy!! When she said her goodbyes she chatted to me for a short while and then left. Since that day she hasnt made any contact with me at all which like i said before is strange because we talked everyday. now all i can do is blame myself for pushing her away with my stupid anxiety!! I just dont know what to think! How can she just stop being my friend? and if so i wish she would just be honest with me and say she doesnt understand my anxiety and leave it at that. Its really taking a kick to myself esteem and making me hate myself more than i already do. Another thing is that she is in a higher up position than me so she has more of a say in my career moves, and that was all well and good whilst she didnt tnink i was a nutcase but now its all changed im left wondering what she think of me as a person?
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