My Story

[Pkstracy]

I was born to a young mother, I never knew her, my grandfather did want a ******* child so I was more or less given away, I was taken in by another family, who beat the shit out of me, they starved me locked me in a closet for days on end with no food or water, the father started to molest me he would wear a clown mask to torment me while he was doing everything that one can do to hurt a child, when I turned 12 he raped me, I was removed from the home several times and placed with another family, who adopted me, but I would go back to visit "my brothers and sisters" I would stay for a few days to weeks and was treated like a dog. My adopted parents, the father was strick and controlling, emotional abuse, mental abuse. When I was in my 20s I met a man and at first he treated me nice and was loving, he then changed, he, I found out later, was a narcissist,the abuse was bad, things had to be lined up in the cabinests and cupboards, lables all facing the same way, towels lined up, things in their place, if I didn't have dinner on the table when he walked through the door I was slapped around, he told me what to wear, how to do my hair, I had to tell him where I was going, who I was with, I had to check in with him, one night after he beat the hell out of me, I ran to a friend who took me in and I got away, I got stronger and lived on my own, until I met someone else, we got married, he too, was an abuser, yelling and screaming and slapping me across the face, making comments about my looks, I came home one day from work and caught him in bed with my best friend, I packed up a few things, left a note for him to get his things and get the hell out, I went to my friends house, I filed for divorce, by this time, my soon to be ex went back to the UK, where he was orginally from, and I kept asking him to sign the divorce papers, he refused to do so, it took six years of me begging and pleading for him to let me go, by this time I had met my now husband online and was wanting to be with him, but my ex wouldn't sign the papers, I came out of work one night after closing up and I was waiting for a ride, a man got out of a car came to me and hit me with something, he proceeded to beat the hell out of me, my ex had hired him to beat me up, and kill me if possible because I wanted a divorce, I later found out I didn't need my ex to sign the papers, the judge granted the divorce on grounds of abandonment, I had my first panic attack at year after I married my current husband, went to threapy and am going to therapy, I was diganosed with Major Depressive Disorder, this is the type where you cannot get out of bed most days and have depression for weeks at a time, OCD, borderline bipolar disorder, PTSD, anxiety, Panic attacks, agoraphobia, (I can't leave the house most days and when I do I have a panic attack), DID (dissocative Identy Disorder), I am now in a safe place, married to a wonderful man, I do struggle everyday and am working on my issues,
There are times I get so tired of being the way I am, missing out on so much struggling, my adopted father, I had to cut him out of my life, and I haven't talked to him in two years, haven't seen them in eight, two weeks ago I just couldn't handle it anymore and I tired to kill myself, I had stopped taking my meds, but I kept getting them when prescribed, as my psych doesnt know, I took a bunch of the pills and was ready to go , I started to take more and my cat, who, I posted and showed a picture of in the crazy cat thread, or something like that, knocked the pills out of my hand and kept nudging me and meowing, he never meows only when he wants his treats in the morning, he went from my room to my husband's we sleep in seperate rooms as he snores and moves around and I am a night owl staying up all hours, he kept meowing and going back and forth, finally my husband decided to come to see what was going on and found me, I am thankful I am here and I have a long road but I am getting stronger each day, I did it before, climbing up out of my pit of darkness, I can do it again. I am not telling my story to get pity or attention, I just want people to see that no matter how bad it gets, there is a light at the end of the tunnel, yes two weeks ago I did give up, we all reach that low point, and it can be a scary place, but what I was going to do , wouldn't have solved anything, it would have caused a lot more pain and hurt for those I would have left behind, suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. If you read to the end, thank you. Hugs and love to you all.

[EmmerLooeez]

I am so, so sorry for everything that you've been through. You didn't deserve any of that. You might not always feel it, but you're a real survivor. Are you in therapy at the moment?

When we have to survive for so long and then finally get to a safe place then our brain gets to a place where it kind of says "Kay it's safe to let this shit out now" and we fall apart. The positive here is that you're in a safe place!

I had my breakdown and developed delayed PTSD in 2016 and I'm still in weekly therapy and on meds and still have some hard times but I'm so much better than I was. There's still a ways to go but I know I'll be well again. It's hard and takes time but you will do it too!! Don't give up, you're an inspiration for still being here.

Sending so much love. Xxxx

[KK77]

Terribly sad reading your story, Tracy, and you must be incredibly strong to still be here after all that horrific abuse.

I also have recurrent major depression, which I control to some degree with medication. Unfortunately, after years of suppressing my emotions and turning anger in on myself, I developed a pain condition, so now I have mental and physical pain to contend with on a daily basis.

However, I have no choice but to continue, and my motto is "Never Surrender", because the minute you do you're as good as dead anyway.

[Pkstracy]

I am in monthly thearpy and I keep telling myself if I kill myself those who have hurt me will win, I am amazed I am not a drug addict or took to drinking my addiction is books. There are days I can control my depression.

[MyNameIsTerry]

Tracy,

I think you have had a very tough life and it's a miracle it didn't manifest into mental health problems earlier (sorry if I'm reading it wrong there).

It's going to be very tough as there is so much to deal with but I think after so many poor years you now have many great ones to look forward to as you have met someone who will treat you right. As hard as it must feel when in the spiral, this is surely one of the greatest reasons to fight back because whilst it's certainly true about hurting others I suspect you have a lot ahead of you that will be great and it would be a shame to let those past demons win rather than you kick them in the arse and come out the other side happy.

Your self esteem must have taken a real battering from a past like that. Again, look to your achievements. You've told us about your healthy eating changes and how much weight you have lost. Doing that on top of all this hurt you have inside you is a phenomenal achievement when just getting out of bed or bearing another minute fo the day could seem to take all the energy you have.

I think it is also an achievement to say you haven't turned to other destructive behaviours such as alcohol or other substances. So, many do and it's completely understandable so to be able to stop yourself advancing into these areas is also an achievement.

[Fishmanpa]

Although we endured entirely different challenges, we are 'survivors'.

Positive thoughts

[Elen]

Tracy what a great and thought-provoking post.

It is good that you are in therapy and hopefully it will help you deal with what has happened in the past and show you that you do have a future.

I agree with the others you are most definitely a survivor, and the fact that you have been helping people on here while going through your own personal nightmare is a testament to you as a person.

Not a lot gets said about depression on this forum but I know from myself how difficult it is to get through the days when you see no point.

Well done on speaking out and RESPECT to you.

[Carnation]

Tracy, what a brave and strong person you are.
Although it may have been upsetting to post what must be an outline of your suffering, I think it helps you and allows us to understand you more.
We all say that no one should go through the pain and sorrow that you experienced, but in reality, it does happen.
How you have grown in to such an endearing person is quite something and that shows your fight to be who you want to be.
I agree with Emmer, that sometimes when you are in your safe place and life is calmer, it is then we have moments of giving up. It may appear not to make sense, but the memories, pain, hardship stays with you, even when time has passed, which becomes apparent with anxiety and depression. But time is also a healer and your future life will be less harrowing and more fulfilling.
You really are an amazing Tracy and also have great empathy. I now understand why.
It takes great courage to share the details of your pain, that most of us carry deep inside us.
This shows you want to release those bad memories that must haunt you.
We all know that we can't change the past and sometimes even if something is not our fault we somehow think we are to blame in some weird way, but we also know that we deserve to live a good life as best we can.
And the number of times I have read to surround yourself with people that make you feel good and walk away from the ones that make you feel bad, well, you did just that.
Reading is one of the most gratifying past times you can do. You learn, gain more knowledge, ideas, inspirations to add to your life. Sometimes the answer you are looking for is staring right at you from your page.
If you haven't already read these, I highly recommend books by Paulo Coelho. He's written about 12 books and they are all good, but there is one called 'Veronika decides to die'. I read that and more of his when I was at my lowest with depression. In fact, those books saved me.
I truly believe you have a lot to give in this life and I know you will succeed in fulfilling that as well as yourself.
NMP is so supportive Tracy, you need never feel alone and there will always be someone that will listen, understand or even been through the same as you.
Don't suffer alone. We are on this earth to take care of each other.
And maybe after what has happened, it may be a turning point in your life. x

[mezzaninedoor]

Tracy, thank you for sharing
You are strong in the face of your challenges
We all navigate different terrain in our myriad mental health challenges
I hope you continue to feel you can be strong in the face of your challenges
We gather knowledge to navigate our conditions by sharing with each other and reading is knowledge as others have mentioned
take great care

[Pkstracy]

To answer some questions on here, first off thank you all for your kind words, my issues were always there, but I couldn't figure out what was going on, I didn't put in that when my adopted parents and I moved to a trailer park there was a man that lived next door, named Frank, he had a daughter the same age as me and I would go over and spend the night and such, well Frank started grooming me, giving me lemon drops and letting me play with the kittens he had. Then it became abuse, I was around 6 when it started, I told my "mom" one day and all she said was, I told you not to go over there. When I got older, I tended to block a lot of the trauma, and didn't recall any of it, well I should say I did in bits and pieces, when I had my big panic attack and started going to therapy it started coming out more and more, and my issues were always with me, such as the depression, I would call into work saying I wasn't feeling well, when in reality I couldn't get out of bed or didn't feel like getting out of bed or I was anxious to go out, I would cry for no reason, so as I said it is a struggle every day and I am working on it, I love helping people, and I am an empath. Meditation, reading, writing, drawing, Wicca, music, my pets, help me get through some bad times. Carnation, I have heard of those books, and I just finished Psychopath Free, omg wonderful book on narcissistic abuse and seeing the signs, I also have one called How to Become the Narcists Nightmare, meaning turning the tables back on the abuser.
I also finally let it spill all out, everything I was holding in the frustration the anger, I was yelling, sobbing, here is an account of what I was told, growing up and in my adult years.
"You got an A - Why not an A+ you're grounded until you get it to an A+, are you stupid or something, no college is going to want you with shit grades like that, (despite the fact I was on the honor roll all four years of high school) "What did you get in the mail, who is that calling you, what did they want where are you going, why do you sit in your room all day playing video games, come out and join us, why are you laughing, why don't you laugh, why don't you go outside, why don't you go to your room and play games, (when I am outside), (this is all from my adopted parents) "Why did you fix your hair, are you trying to attract attention, why are you wearing that you want someone to notice you, why don't you fix your hair, or put on make up, you look horrible, don't yell, don't get upset, keep quiet, keep silent, don't talk about this or this, don't talk unless someone talks to you, why are you talking to them want attention, why dont you talk people are going to think you have a stick up your ass, oh you don't want to have sex, what are you frigid, oh you want sex what are you a slut. (ex husband/ex boyfriend.) Where do you want to to eat? Oh really well I think this would be a better place to go, why can't you make up your mind where you want to go , (even though I do say I want to go to a certain place, it would always be what he wanted and my want didn't matter) Why are you eating that, you'll get fat, (even though I haven't eaten until now or much) why aren't you eating you look thin, What are you a slut, I saw how you were flirting with the waiter, (all I did was say Hello and answered him when he said how are this evening, I replied, doing well thank you. ) So yeah, I lost or never knew or know who I am, and kept this all inside, and I blew one day last week and I felt like this and it was like this.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yS-unudWUuU and this https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iZx1W6cHw-g so yeah this is what I was doing sobbing crying, talking letting it all out, it was amazing a release.