When I was little, I use to get cramps in my calve muscles while staying fortnightly at my father’s house, and I use to get panic attacks while having a sleep over at a friends house or going on a school camp. At the time because I was 8-12 years old, I always thought it was just homesickness, but now I realise it was much more then that, and that it was an absolute fearful panic attack with anxiety.
Over time I’ve realised it has grown into agoraphobia
I had no idea until recently now being 23 years old.
I genuinely thought I was just lazy and didn’t have the drive to get out of bed and do things, but now I know that its due to agoraphobia, and the fear of having panic attacks and developing hardcore depression that continuously makes me fatigued.
At the moment me and my mum and little brother have been kicked out of our rental property and iv stayed at 3 different hotels in the time span of 4 days. I’ve had to deal with the shock of it all and also sneaking in my 5 cats into these places with me.
I have the shakes when I go to sleep, and when I awake.
But I know its good practice for what I have coming up..
I have a partner of almost 4 years, that has grown incredibly impatient with me due to the lack of drive I have shown towards life.
It broke us apart, However a week ago he decided to give it another chance and I told him that I would step up and go to Europe with him so I can find drive in life again, and become a stronger person.
I’m leaving for Europe in 5 days.
It’s a 24hr flight and ill be away from home, Australia, for 8 nights.
Iv never been away from my mum for so long ever before.
I know I’m strong enough to do this, but it doesn’t mean I’m not going to struggle.
I don’t feel as emotionally secure with my partner as I do with my mum.
apart of me is anxiety ridden solely on being scared of having a panic attack in the near future. When I have a panic attack, I feel like I don’t understand myself and I feel fearful that I may do something harmful to myself or someone else. It never happens and I know I never would do anything like that, but for those few moments, its such a real, adrenaline filled fear. Things play on my mind that even my mum or little brother might not be okay while I’m gone and ill be so far away that I won’t be able to do anything about it.
Knowing that I could have a panic attack on the way to the airport or on the plane, or across the world, i instantly feel so frightened and embarrassed and ashamed before I even should be.
Iv read that its best to not fight off a panic attack or else it proceeds to intensify, and I find that very helpful to know.
I guess I’m just dreading the possibility of being across the world, being in pieces in a hotel room, not being able to enjoy myself and making my partners trip a horrible one.
I plan on having an elastic band on my wrist to snap so I can distract my mind, and I plan on having serapax, a mild sedative with me for my disposal, but I don’t know if this will be enough?
I feel like I’m inadequate or that I’m unequipped to be an independent adult.
I know that all of this is going to be about me taking control of my mind. But I don’t think anyone I have talked to understands how hard that can actually be to successfully do at times.

I’m not writing this because I want advice about my relationship or anything like that.
I just want someone to understand me, and relate, and tell me that I actually can do this. And if I do struggle, maybe ill be able to find someone on here that I can talk to while I’m away if I’m in a dire state.
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