I want to say sorry if this is super long, its like a letter of a expression of feeling to myself but also if anyone has ever felt this way

So as I mentioned very shortly in another post, I've been having issues with someone I've been very close to- my best friend in fact for long time. I've talked about this alot to my therapist and we togther have come to thought that it's best to let the relationship go. It's heart breaking. It's like letting go apart of me.

To put it into context:
Were both 22 now, we've been friends since 14 in school. We were that typical young teenagers who were GLUED at the hip. Like I'm lucky to have a main group of friends thats about 13 people. Of course within that some are closer then others but we all have a love and respect for each other. (There's has been alot of fights within the groups but nothing we all haven't healed from with a certain degree).

So I've always looked at her with Rose tinted glasses, she was my best friend. So I was always offering if's or buts if anyone had a issue with her. She was my best friend, I felt the need to look after her. That people had to know how great she was and this had to be a misunderstanding.

There was always little ups and downs, there is with everyone. Yet there was a theme that kept coming up in our friendship. The feeling of her feelings nattering more than mine. For example, if someone "better" or "more interesting" came along. I was quickly left to the wayside. Just close enough to her that I could see myself being replaced and not needed but when that friendship was dying out. Close enough she would have me with out reached arms, welcimg her back. Forgetting the pain I had felt, the small comments made about her "Best friend, who could do this--" things I couldn't do. Yet I would swallow it and remind myself that it is true. Everyone is a better option than me.

So I know this is long already, she got into a relationship about four months ago. She followed patterns she always did. I was dumped to the side but in a moment of- pride? A moment of self respect I had never had. I brought up how I felt. I didn't try to play the blame game, the oh poor me!! The hey you've been doing this shit for years and I feel like I'm wroth more....lets say this didn't go down so well. She said some... Horrible things to me. Used things against me I had entrusted her with, I didn't think it was possible of her to be so nasty.

So in pain I pulled back, I gave her space. Space for myself, I just wanted to be open, to have a discussion as we are adult now. Not teenagers anymore. My chest hurt from the pain. I would have given or done anything for her. I'm not saying I'm the best friend ever, of course I can be shit at times but I did so much for her. All out of my love and my friendship for her.

Like for her 21st birthday I brought her on the holidays of her dreams because she had a bad year and I wanted to start the next year of her life as a good one. She spent the whole time talking to her (then partner now ex), I was informed recently by a contacted there that she spent most of the holiday complaining about my company and how boring I can be nowadays (I used to drink alot I won't lie, I gave it up when I was 21 as that was when I had a huge breakdown and did have some actual health issues so my lifestyle changed. Like it was very hard for me to leave the country at that time but I worked so hard on over coming the fear to do this for her). I'm aware this is sounding like I'm being like I'm such a good friend, who doesn't want me!! I know that's so selfish and she can't give her view of this.

So after this event a few weeks ago, it was my good amazing friends birthday. She contacted me that night saying that she wasn't coming because apprently she didn't think she was invited and had made other plans when in truth it was said in the groupchat which she is a member of?? And the general rule of our friends if it's said in the group its for everyone in the chat. This was a huge stresser for me. So we got into another fight, well her saying stuff to me and me trying to do my best but failing.

I know this all sounds like stuipd stuff but I'm leaving out alot of details.

So at my latest therapy session, my therapist said is this pain wroth it. The sadness and for the first time after so many years of defining her... For the first time I had to say with a pain heart. No, it wasn't wroth it anymore. It hurt to say, it pained me to say. I cried alot, this isn't a one time thing. It's been a long time in the making. I think my therapist need me to see how toxic it was before the talk of letting her go began.

So after so many years of friendship, there was lot of good times. I won't say it was all bad and lie. I'm letting go of the person I thought was my best friends and we would be sitting in rocking chairs togther go.

It hurts alot to type this, I'm sorry if it's all ramble or I'm coming across like a huge *******.