What to do When Nothing Works

[Franchesca]

I really don't know what to do or where to go. I had a breakdown a year and half ago....and never recovered, in fact I've gotten worse, and I am so very very scared and hopeless.

I've been seeing a therapist for ten months, without improvement...my third one in five years and she actually was the best of the three, she sounded frustrated and a little mad at me last time we spoke on the phone, probably because I am not improving....I think she is getting ready too leave me, my house call Doctor is moving next month....and I am unable too find another! Not only am I severely agoraphobia but I am disabled, on a walker and wheelchair....going out NOT only causes terrible panic but severe physical pain. The last time I tried to go see a nurse practitioner I fell down and then months later I almost fainted at dentists, the fear of failing and falling have rendered me housebound. Right now I have a ugly purple red painful itchy sore under armpit....had one last year...staph...but this one is worse...antibiotics did not clear it up, I cannot even leave my house to see Dr or urgent care, I know I will fall and faint, and they won't see me...happened last time NO would not see me in that "condition"? I cannot take pain relievers or antidepressants because they tore my stomach apart..so I have nothing too fight the depression and chronic body pain, I take low dose klonopin for panic and health anxiety, it takes the edge off slightly, but not much. Everyday I feel like I'm dying, this spot under my arm is terrifying me, but I can't go out..and no one will come diagnose.

My friends and family have mostly walked away, they consider me the "emotional and Physical cripple"..Also I am 57 years old and scared that it's "too late" to get well. In my 20's-40's I could handle it better...I had youth on my side, was able too walk and could get help...is it too late for me? My husband and child leave a lot...so I am alone a lot..crying everyday and sad and so scared. I don't blame them..I don't want them too see me and what I have become. I look and feel like I'm dying.

I guess I am the "one" that is not going too heal, even my Dr and therapist are disgusted, I have no money left anyway. I have turned too deep prayer, not even for complete healing, just even partial...I feel like my prayers are being blocked...I don't want too die, but cannot live like this anymore, I feel like I am 95 years old, and at the end. My friend once told me I have too accept God's will, which I understand and believe, but it can't be God's will for me too LIVE this shell everyday can it?

I'm sorry this is so long, I stay in bed most of the time, it alleviates a little of the body pain, depression, panic and intense fear. If anyone could help...grateful..but I realize this must be very depressing, and if you would pray for me please. I guess it's in God's hands now since nothing or no medical professional has helped. Thank you for listening. I pray for you all too recover ( and you will) I hope I'm not too old. So worried about armpit...God bless you all thank you again for listening.

[jray23]

I've said a prayer for you.

I don't think I can give you any earth-shattering advice, but I sense from your writing that you are predetermining the worst in your mind. i.e. "this bad thing is going to happen and this bad thing etc". I have found myself doing this quite often lately too in some different situations. The truth is, we don't know what will happen. Just try to catch yourself when you have thoughts like this. And don't judge yourself for having the thought either. Just let it go. This is probably going to be very difficult to do, but keep trying and it might get easier with practice.

Also, is medical marijuana an option for you? I don't know much about it but I've heard that it can sometimes be used as a substitute for the usual pain medications.

Sent from my Moto G (5) Plus using Tapatalk

[katniss]

I am so so sorry that you’re going through this. I don’t have any advice for you, but I didn’t want to read and leave. You are worth it and you are loved. I truly believe that no soul will be given a burden beyond that which they cannot bear. I have said a prayer for you as well. I pray that you find strength and healing. Please get that armpit mark checked. It’s likely to be a benign rash of some sort. But it’s obviously giving you a lot of anxiety. Is it possible to have someone like a nurse come and look at it? Could be fungal if it’s not responding to antibiotics. Not sure if you have already hydrocortisone cream?

I hope you feel better soon. Hugs to you

[Franchesca]

Thank you so much Kay and Katniss, your responses helped me, gave me some hope, and thank you so much for praying! I imagine somehow someway I am going to have to leave this house. The spot under my arm is scaring me...using calamine and neo-sporin, hoping and praying perhaps by Monday it will get better. I will try not too think negative thoughts, so very difficult for me but worrying just makes it worse. .Again, Thank you so much for your time and prayers, I. Will try to look up and hope too heal.

[Franchesca]

I'm sorry.. typo meant too say JAY..a little shaky. Thanks.

[ankietyjoe]

Hi

I'm sorry to hear about the situation you're in right now.

I can't comment on prayer as I'm not religious, but I know it brings a lot of comfort to a lot of people.

You talk about therapy, but I find it curious that you've been in therapy so long. I personally don't believe that analytical therapy has any value in treating anxiety, and if you've been having therapy that long it's clearly not something that's working for you. CBT is a different matter, and can be very useful, but that tends to be 10-20 sessions maximum. Have you tried that yet?

I would also suggest that you stop second guessing how other people feel about your situation. Just because they don't know how to help, it doesn't mean they don't care. Not only have I suffered with brutal anxiety, but I'm also the carer (less so now) for my partner who has severe PTSD from childhood abuse and a near death experience during the birth of our second child. Despite all my own experience with anxiety, I had a long period of time when I didn't know how to help her. I would imagine your family and friends feel the same, they just don't know what to do.

What I learned over the years is that anxiety is self perpetuating. You avoid going out because you know you'll feel panic, but that's not going to work because it eventually happens when you stay home too. I would approach it from several angles and accept that it takes time. You're absolutely not too old to get better, I promise you that.

Start with things that you can control now, and pay special attention to your diet. Sometimes people don't understand how much what you eat effects how you feel. For me, I let my diet slip badly when I was at my worst because I just didn't have the headspace to think about it, but it does make a huge difference to how you feel. Eat plenty of vegetables, as much of it raw as possible. Dark leafy greens are best. Fruit is good too, healthy fats (nuts, seeds, avocado etc). The foods to avoid are refined carbohydrates like bread, pasta, cake, sugar etc. Those tax your body a great deal. This is something you can control at home, and it sounds to me like you feel like you're losing control. There's no downside to improving your diet. This kind of diet does wonder for pain/inflammation too.

Secondly, I would make an extra effort to leave the house each day. Even if you just sit in the garden/yard to start with. If you faint (which you won't) or feel panic, so be it. Try and focus on the fact that you ARE out, and you ARE in control. Again, at my worst I used to start with literally just 90 seconds walking up to the corner and back. I eventually got myself walking around the block (and that a small UK block!) for 5 minutes. Your brain needs to re-learn that being outside isn't really an issue, not in the way you think it is. Perhaps ask your family for some help with this, have them go with you to start with. I bet you'll be surprised at how willing they'll be.

Anxiety can put you in a deep hole, and you need to focus on the first step, not the ultimate goal. That task will be too large to comprehend right now. But you can do it.

[Franchesca]

Thank you Joe, Your post was full of good advice and tips. I think you hit upon something very important...the therapy situation. I don't believe I have ever gotten "proper correct" CBT. The therapists did not seem to really do that, it was more like talk therapy...and I would usually cry and moan about how awful my life had become....going from an active woman, who shopped, cooked, cleaned, walked an hour every night, stores, library, etc....since I became disabled. Every therapy session would leave me crying, sad, depressed, hopeless and not helped, I tried other therapists, but we're so very expensive, since I could not tolerate the antidepressants, therapy was my only other option...I never ever thought this would go on so long...three years...and I realize the chronic pain is stalling my recovery, maybe I am doing all the wrong things, I think the worst, is not being able to differentiate physical from emotional.

And I do understand that family and friends care, but cannot help, before this I was the one who made everybody laugh, helped them with problems, soothed them, etc....that is what they want...the "Old Franchesca" back...I've been told by many they walked away because they could not "stand or bear" too see what I have become, but I cannot stand what I have become. All its done is make me housebound and you were correct, I thought I was protecting myself from panic..I was wrong..it's back. But I must leave my home for medical help.

I am going to try and find an online free CBT course, I was afraid too try because I'm such a negative thinker...and I really need HOW too learn too combat that..I just don't know how??

I do eat healthy, that's one good thing, and I sleep...but too much 10-12 hours a day, but I know why I am doing that, because when I'm sleeping I don't feel the pain and panics much...it's an escape, but I know it's not a good way at all.

Thank you for your reply. And for trying too help me ....Hoping and praying things will get, at least a little better. Thanks.

[ankietyjoe]

I think it's important to understand that your physical and mental issues are linked. You can't separate them into discreet problems. If you are sad, depressed and anxious, your physical pain will be worse, and vice versa.

I think it's also important to understand that a physical disability IS terrible, and that feeling low about it is normal. It doesn't have to always be that way though.

I would urge you to communicate with your friends and family that the old Franchesca is gone. Tell them that you are being reborn, but that journey hasn't ended yet. Tell them you need help and support this time and that if they can't offer that to you, then to stay away. You need to focus on you now, not concern yourself with the needs of others. It's not selfish to need that.

In terms of self help, I would strongly, strongly suggest meditation. One of the issues I have with talk therapy is that it tends to just 'pick at the scab'. You have had a life changing event with the disability, and constantly being reminded of how bad that made you feel serves no purpose whatsoever. The odd thing about anxiety and depression is that there's a lot of truth in the saying 'ignore it and it'll go away'. Meditation helps break the connection between stimulus and response. It physically rewires your brain not to automatically react with panic or dwell on negatives. It's a portable solution that's not effected by your disability. And free!

You're right to suggest that spending so much time in bed is possibly aggravating the problem. Your body is designed to move about and paradoxically not moving will make both physical and mental problems worse. Maybe try reducing the amount of time you stay in bed in stages (I've done what you're doing now, I understand the comfort of hibernation). Is there a local swimming pool that you could use as an eventual goal to help you with exercise? The buoyancy of water could allow you to get out, do some exercise and alleviate the pain. I know it probably seems like an overwhelming suggestion right now, but you can take small steps towards that goal. Don't focus on your ideal situation, just take little steps day by day. Going back to meditation and CBT, both of those tools focus on sitting WITH the sensations you fear, and accepting them. It's incredibly powerful and effective in beating anxiety, as your brain eventually just realises it's fine, you're not actually in danger.

[Phuzella]

Great advice Joe

[Scass]

Great advice from Joe, I wish I could add something helpful to it but all I can say is that I’m sorry you are so low. Have faith in yourself, and be a bit kinder to yourself. There is help for you out there, and you are doing brilliantly for seeking it.