I’m done: wasted too much of my life

[JB33]

This is a short post about my health anxiety and why I’ve turned a corner and realised that everything I always thought was cancer or life-threatening turned out not to be and that the last 15 years have been wasted worrying over nothing. Enough already, and hopefully last bout of me seeking an ENT specialist was the end of it all.

I’ve been a worrier since I was around 15, Ive recently turned 31 and during those years, these catastrophiszing thoughts have occupied almost 90% of my mind in a daily basis. It’s tiring and exhausting. It’s lead me to become depressed on several occasions; it’s a tough battle but one I’m not giving up on.

It started with me hyperventilating playing football. I felt dizzy and fell to the ground and tried to calm down as I panicked over what was happening to me. The Dr wasn’t sure initially when my parents taken me. They ordered an ECG which was clear. They wanted then a 24 hour ECG and I had to wear this thing to school and people noticed it, I was so aware and embarrassed. It shown a heart murmur and the Dr advised to monitor it as I was young, it later resolved. I had several other appointments to the hospital around my heart for tests and thus, grew the health anxiety monster, I knew where mine started from. I was eventually given beta blockers to clam me and keep my heart rate normal as the heart tests were negative for anything sinister.

I then spent my childhood and young adulthood terrified to play sports or run around in case it happened again, so spent it indoors, afraid and nothing but my own thoughts to occupy myself. I would have palpitations and spikes of dizziness and felt light headed 24/7 like I was walking on a mattress or something. It plagued me for years and something I still experience now. I was around 17 when I was referred for CBT as the Dr thought it was related to anxiety and that the palps and dizzies should settle with this. It taken the edge of until I discovered Googling my symptoms .... oh god, what a mistake. Still remaining indoors I had plenty of time and I spent my days googling and growing the health anxiety inside me.

Fast-forward the years and I’ve now had several more ECGs and more confined and withdrawn than ever as I start convincing myself that the Dr missed something. I read stories of young people dropping dead and developing cancer and it adds fuel to my thoughts: “I need to make sure that can’t happen to me”. I had on average 30 GP appointment a year and countless consultant referrals (private and NHS)

This “thinking” lead me to believe I had the following:

1. Heart disease and all of it variants including peripheral artery diseases, so many times (clear ECGs, echo, 24 hour tapes and several consultants). Turned out to be anxiety and stress and years down the drain.

2. Testicular cancer (clear ultrasounds). Turned out nothing there, small harmless cyst.

3. Brain tumour. Daily headaches and aura migraine, flashing lights. Ended up paying privately for brain MRI after months of agonising. Turned out to be anxiety induced and tension.

4. Skin cancer. Turned out to be a freckle

5. Stomach cancer. Several appointments and extensive worrying on this one and went to the extent of 3 private gastroenterologist, 2 NHS and 2 endoscopes. turned out to be anxiety and reflux.

6. Oesophageal cancer. Swallowing problems led to more GP appointments. Turned out to be anxiety.

7. AIDS/HIV. turned out to be anxiety, clear.

8. Sepsis and various infections. Led to ER visits convinced I was dying. All clear and anxiety induced.

9. Colon cancer. Turned out to be gas and IBS.... caused by anxiety and stress.

10. Head and neck cancer. This was my most recently and got the all clear yesterday. Spent months with a one sided sore throat, globus and painful swallowing. 8 GP appointments 2 dental appointment appointments and private ENT referral. Caused by anxiety and tension.

There are honestly too many to mention. More importantly, can you see the trend? I’ve wasted years and huge amounts of money and NHS time. It’s a horrible thing to go through and no one can convince you it’s not real. I’ve missed out on so much and I’m trying to use this as a turning point now as I’m now angry with it all. It affected my relationship as you’re not the only one going through it. Loved ones and friends and everyone else we seek reassurance from have to endure our behaviours. This leads to strain, of course it will.

I’m going to get up right now out of bed, open the blinds to this glorious sunshine this morning and switch on my espresso machine. Get out my bike and go a long ride somewhere scenic and start enjoying my life and the things that this world has to offer. I recently lost my job too and always wanted to go contracting so, this will be my focus and so far making good progress on becoming an IT consultant and starting a company. I know where I can now invest my time and efforts and into something more rewarding.

Before you go worrying and stressing, please remember that there is almost always a reasonable explanation. And remember, as my Dr always said to me: “common things are common and rare things are rare”.

John.

[Carys]

It’s a horrible thing to go through and no one can convince you it’s not real. I’ve missed out on so much and I’m trying to use this as a turning point now as I’m now angry with it all.

I love your post ! Its a great place to be, many people never get where you get to now, but you have....and I wish you all the success in the world with staying where you are at now. The anger is good, it helped me turn a corner years ago also, the realisation that precious time was wasted and I wasn't living but worrying about dying.

[venusbluejeans]

completely agree with Carys on this one

[Darksky]

Great post....should be a sticky

[LouiseAndy]

Wonderful post! Some great insight x I wish a world of happiness and good times in the future. Thanks for taking the time to write this all down

[JB33]

Thanks for the comments. It’s quite scary reading it back too, realising the extent of it and remember the situations I’ve been in as a result.

[Beachlady]

This is a short post about my health anxiety and why I’ve turned a corner and realised that everything I always thought was cancer or life-threatening turned out not to be and that the last 15 years have been wasted worrying over nothing. Enough already, and hopefully last bout of me seeking an ENT specialist was the end of it all.

I’ve been a worrier since I was around 15, Ive recently turned 31 and during those years, these catastrophiszing thoughts have occupied almost 90% of my mind in a daily basis. It’s tiring and exhausting. It’s lead me to become depressed on several occasions; it’s a tough battle but one I’m not giving up on.

It started with me hyperventilating playing football. I felt dizzy and fell to the ground and tried to calm down as I panicked over what was happening to me. The Dr wasn’t sure initially when my parents taken me. They ordered an ECG which was clear. They wanted then a 24 hour ECG and I had to wear this thing to school and people noticed it, I was so aware and embarrassed. It shown a heart murmur and the Dr advised to monitor it as I was young, it later resolved. I had several other appointments to the hospital around my heart for tests and thus, grew the health anxiety monster, I knew where mine started from. I was eventually given beta blockers to clam me and keep my heart rate normal as the heart tests were negative for anything sinister.

I then spent my childhood and young adulthood terrified to play sports or run around in case it happened again, so spent it indoors, afraid and nothing but my own thoughts to occupy myself. I would have palpitations and spikes of dizziness and felt light headed 24/7 like I was walking on a mattress or something. It plagued me for years and something I still experience now. I was around 17 when I was referred for CBT as the Dr thought it was related to anxiety and that the palps and dizzies should settle with this. It taken the edge of until I discovered Googling my symptoms .... oh god, what a mistake. Still remaining indoors I had plenty of time and I spent my days googling and growing the health anxiety inside me.

Fast-forward the years and I’ve now had several more ECGs and more confined and withdrawn than ever as I start convincing myself that the Dr missed something. I read stories of young people dropping dead and developing cancer and it adds fuel to my thoughts: “I need to make sure that can’t happen to me”. I had on average 30 GP appointment a year and countless consultant referrals (private and NHS)

This “thinking” lead me to believe I had the following:

1. Heart disease and all of it variants including peripheral artery diseases, so many times (clear ECGs, echo, 24 hour tapes and several consultants). Turned out to be anxiety and stress and years down the drain.

2. Testicular cancer (clear ultrasounds). Turned out nothing there, small harmless cyst.

3. Brain tumour. Daily headaches and aura migraine, flashing lights. Ended up paying privately for brain MRI after months of agonising. Turned out to be anxiety induced and tension.

4. Skin cancer. Turned out to be a freckle

5. Stomach cancer. Several appointments and extensive worrying on this one and went to the extent of 3 private gastroenterologist, 2 NHS and 2 endoscopes. turned out to be anxiety and reflux.

6. Oesophageal cancer. Swallowing problems led to more GP appointments. Turned out to be anxiety.

7. AIDS/HIV. turned out to be anxiety, clear.

8. Sepsis and various infections. Led to ER visits convinced I was dying. All clear and anxiety induced.

9. Colon cancer. Turned out to be gas and IBS.... caused by anxiety and stress.

10. Head and neck cancer. This was my most recently and got the all clear yesterday. Spent months with a one sided sore throat, globus and painful swallowing. 8 GP appointments 2 dental appointment appointments and private ENT referral. Caused by anxiety and tension.

There are honestly too many to mention. More importantly, can you see the trend? I’ve wasted years and huge amounts of money and NHS time. It’s a horrible thing to go through and no one can convince you it’s not real. I’ve missed out on so much and I’m trying to use this as a turning point now as I’m now angry with it all. It affected my relationship as you’re not the only one going through it. Loved ones and friends and everyone else we seek reassurance from have to endure our behaviours. This leads to strain, of course it will.

I’m going to get up right now out of bed, open the blinds to this glorious sunshine this morning and switch on my espresso machine. Get out my bike and go a long ride somewhere scenic and start enjoying my life and the things that this world has to offer. I recently lost my job too and always wanted to go contracting so, this will be my focus and so far making good progress on becoming an IT consultant and starting a company. I know where I can now invest my time and efforts and into something more rewarding.

Before you go worrying and stressing, please remember that there is almost always a reasonable explanation. And remember, as my Dr always said to me: “common things are common and rare things are rare”.

John.

Good for you. Welcome to the land of the living and worrying changes nothing.

[BrokenGirl]

What a great post - thank you so much for sharing.
About a week ago I was in the same place as you. I had enough of HA taking over and ruining many years of my life. I decided enough was enough. I was going to start some CBT (online for now as I can't afford to go private), start eating healthy, exercising and just start enjoying the simple things in life.
I was ready and determined for this and I really thought I could do it but I'm afraid (and ashamed) to say that I'm after crashing. It's currently breast cancer and it's taking hold of me like it has done before. I've diagnosed myself with so many cancers over the years that it's just ridiculous. But I just can't get rid of the fear of this one, what if this is the real thing. It's making me angry, upset, disappointed and really scared.


I'm hoping I'll be able to start my recovery journey soon, I just need to find that inner strength to do it. I desperately want to get better and get my life back, for me and my family.


I really wish you all the best in your recovery. You sound like you have a plan so make sure to stick to it.

[jray23]

Awesome post John. Thank you for sharing it with our community. I'm sure many of us can see similar patterns in our own minds!

For what it's worth, I too had a heart murmur found while I was a child, which has since resolved. I suspect that was the underlying "cause" of my health anxiety - which especially focuses on alleged heart problems, and I also at times have feared that sport or exercise might kill me as well, but the anxiety also finds its way to other things too.

I think your attitude is the right one. Enough is enough. Claim your life back! And the next time a catastrophic thought comes up - look back at all those other "illnesses" you've had and how you have a 100% survival rate through it all!

BrokenGirl (first of all, you are NOT broken!) - what if it ISN'T the real thing? Flip that catastrophic thought onto its arse!