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Thread: Harm OCD and actions

  1. #1

    Harm OCD and actions

    I've suffered with OCD for years and experienced most themes but the most troubling so far is Harm OCD. I know a lot about the condition and have done some ERP with minimal success, so I know that the mantra "It's just a thought" doesn't work well for people that experience powerful urges and micro-movements.

    I'm really freaking out about something that happened the other day. I was doing some DIY in the garden and using a hammer to hang things up. I am very cautious when my neighbour is around as my harm OCD focuses on her, so as I had the hammer in my hand I was getting obsessive harm OCD thoughts about harming her if she came outside. I also have a big crush on her which again is undoubetdly the trigger for the harm OCD as well as hyper responsibilty OCD (as I always have to make sure the house is safe so a fire won't start whenever I leave the house and harm her etc etc) Obviously because I have a crush on her, I do worry a lot about the day when she ends up with a boyfriend (another recurring obsessive OCD worry) because I know I'll feel sad, angry, jealous etc so this is a recurring worry which ignites the harm thoughts i.e. I will want to harm her if she gets a boyfriend.

    So I am outside, half worrying about if I would see her leaving the house dressed up to go on a date I would get jealous and try to do something awful like murder her with the hammer. I was nervous, of course hoping that she wouldn't come out whilst I had the hammer in my hand. Sure enough, in a total and typical sods law way, I heard the door open and felt instant fear that she was going out on a date, I had my back to her and at the time this happened the hammer was lying on a bench next to a box of nails which I'd gone over to. I had the thought to grab the hammer in case she was going on a date so I would kill her and I felt that this is what I would want to do under those cirumstances, like I agreed with the rationale.. and in a nano second I physically grabbed the hammer! I remember feeling a little shock that I'd picked it up and was panicked a little bit, I also still had my back to her so couldn't see if she was dressed up, so I turned around nervously to check if she was dressed up, although I was more focused on that than doing anything with the hammer - she was in her work uniform so I felt instant relief that she wasn't going on a date, but then I still felt very panicked and stressed that I'd actually picked up the hammer as a result of the thought process I'd had leading up to grabbing the hammer (kill her if she's going on a date).

    I feel in whirlwind of guilt and like I cannot trust myself, why did I act on the thought of picking up the hammer? It felt impulsive. I know I only picked up a hammer but it felt like I was ready to do something sinister and I worry what I would've done if she had been dressed up and going out on a date.

    I know this incident is very specific to my situation what with the crush / fear of her dating someone, but I wonder if anyone can relate to having an evil thought, agreeing with it and then starting a movement or action?

    thanks

  2. #2

    Re: Harm OCD and actions

    I can definitely relate to this, both regarding the fear of harming others and self-harm. For example: I'll have a violent intrusive thought toward myself while cleaning dishes and pick up a knife, etc. I've just tried to rationalize the thought/action sequence as an otherwise innocuous object getting caught up in my regular, nasty OCD thoughts. Your brain will try to convince that you may have done something serious had she been on a date, but I also feel something similar whenever I complete an impulsive, mindless action after having some intrusive thoughts. I'll think to myself: "would I have stabbed myself had I not realized what I was doing and stopped?" Or, what's worse (is because I have a history of self-harm), I'll think: "what if I had been feeling depressed? Would I have actually done it, since I've self-harmed in the past?" Much like if your neighbor had actually been dressed up to go somewhere other than work.

    I wish I had some good coping tips, just know that you're definitely not alone. Harm OCD is an especially cruel theme.
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    fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration
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    where the fear has gone there will be nothing
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  3. #3
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    Re: Harm OCD and actions

    Has anyone tried Luvox I start tomorrow. Hope it helps intrusive thoughts

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    Re: Harm OCD and actions

    Quote Originally Posted by will351 View Post
    Has anyone tried Luvox I start tomorrow. Hope it helps intrusive thoughts
    I've never been on this SSRI med but it might just suit you because it has strong sigma-1 receptor agonist properties, which is thought to play a role in OCD.

    May the Force be with you!
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  5. #5

    Re: Harm OCD and actions

    Quote Originally Posted by will351 View Post
    Has anyone tried Luvox I start tomorrow. Hope it helps intrusive thoughts
    Yes! I'm on it right now and it definitely helps, though I had to lower my dosage because the side effects were unpleasant at 300mg. It wouldn't say that it helps the intrusive thoughts themselves, but it makes it easier to reason with them, if that makes sense.

    Edit: Sorry for the double post, internet connection's a little spotty right now.
    __________________
    i must not fear, fear is the mind-killer
    fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration
    i will face my fear
    i will permit it to pass over me and through me
    and when it has gone past i will turn the inner eye to see its path
    where the fear has gone there will be nothing
    only i will remain

  6. #6
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    Re: Harm OCD and actions

    What did you lower your dose to. how long did it take to kick in. I have been on 100 two days

  7. #7
    Join Date
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    Re: Harm OCD and actions

    Hi I saw you were on luvox how long did it take to kick in I’m on 7 days 100 for4

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