I don't know if I'm putting this is in the right place.
I am a long time member but didn't want to use my usual log in for fear of my husband seeing this.
let me start by saying he's not beating me up, there are far worse stories out there, people far worse off. I don't know if I just need to toughen up..?
I don't know what I stand to gain by saying any of it. I'm just at a loss and I need advice.
My husband first showed real anger when I was suffering badly with anxiety and agoraphobia. He put his fist through the living room door because he didn't know what to do with me saying I felt suicidal. That time I understood he was frustrated and at a loss. I don't blame him.
In arguments over the years he's put his fist through another door, smashed something and pushed a door into the wall, breaking the plaster.. Little bits.
In the last year he's got in my face, squeezed my upper arms (holding me there to shout at me), and punched the sofa a few times a few inches away from me.
Last month an argument escalated in the car and he drove like an idiot, he turned it so fast around a bend that the tyre came off the wheel..( I actually thought the whole wheel had gone under the car it made such a sound and judder). After I screamed to be let out, he slammed the breaks on lunging me forwards but thankfully the seatbelt stopped me hitting the dashboard. He sped off, came back and shouted at me to stop being an embarrassment to myself (walking along the roadside) but I still refused to get back in
Tonight I've made him angry but it was only the laptop that he slammed down, then slammed down his hand on the table. He's gone into another room and not near me, so I'm grateful for that.
He came in on Saturday angry at someone who had just cut him up and gave him the finger.. He told me he then overtook the man and slammed the breaks on. I don't know why, but it's taken me until this moment to realise he did that whilst our son was in the passenger seat.
So now I feel like my own husband can't be trusted to have our son alone in the car with him and that makes me so sad to be writing it, and thinking it.. there's no way I can tell him that as it will start another fight.
I find I'm beginning to look at things around me and see all the times I was shouted at.. The house I'm in, I didn't want to move but got shouted at over it so many times I gave in and moved (something that still causes friction)
Even silly things like the washing machine, reminds me of him belittling me in the shop, arguing in there and making me cry.
The lawnmowe.. a similar deal..
Same with the Tv we have.. And other things
all remind me me of being shouted at.
This is what escalated tonight's episode, not wanting him to touch/Photoshop photographs of my dead grandparents whilst shouting at me, just because I didn't want to see those in the future and be reminded of another argument.. So he slammed down the laptop, which I'm assuming will be now be broken
I just don't know where this is heading.
I dont believe he would ever lay a hand on our son, it's only me who he gets angry at.
I'm always to blame, even when I explain my side I'm still at fault. I feel I'm a bad person for making someone act out this way, I genuinely don't know what I do sometimes.
I do find myself trying to alter my tone, trying to monitor what I say and how I say it, and yet still failing and I'm still to blame.
It doesn't always resort to outbursts, only when I argue back, so perhaps I need to learn not to do that?
I don't know what to do. I've done something wrong every week.
I don't know how this man can be so nice one minute, then nasty the next. I don't know where I am with him. How can he be so nice, say nice things, yet be so quick to say nasty things too. How can he like me deep down if he's finding fault in me so often.