How do I deal with this situation?

[anxiousbelle]

Hi,

I am looking for a little bit of advice on a situation that I am currently in. My current boyfriend is living in the UK but is originally from Australia and will be returning this November which will essentially be the end of our relationship.

That is very hard to come to terms with in itself but it has become more complicated in recent months. We are short long-distance, he is about 3/4 hours on the train away from me as he doesnt drive or for me its an hour and a half drive. He is living with a friend and that friends girlfriend and is paying rent at about £280 per month - but is required to ask their permission on everything.

I have been there a couple times, but one time his friend got very arsey about me being there so I had to leave. I haven't done anything to this guy, his only complaint is me being there makes it feel like a shared house and says my boyfriend should move out if he plans on having me over for more than one night a week.

Following this the girlfriend of the friend, who my boyfriend also lives with was suddenly and tragically diagnosed with terminal brain cancer. She has been in radiotherapy for six weeks straight after brain surgery and as a celebration of finishing her and her boyfriend are going away for a week on holiday.

I haven't been down there since this all happened about 3/4 months ago as did not want to intrude on a situation, especially as I was already unwanted originally. My boyfriend asked if it would be okay for me to go and stay for one night while they were away to which the girlfriend enthusiastically said yes but the friend said absolutely not. My boyfriend hasn't done anything to fight this and has just said he will see me in two weeks anyways when he comes up.

I am in a really tricky position. I am upset and distraught because my grandma one of the closest people to me just passed away, and I was there through it all and all I want is too see my boyfriend the day before the funeral as I am really upset. But my boyfriend does not seem willing to push anything due to the health situation, even though they are away for a week. He's a good guy and would never let me go down there anyway if they have said no. But I honestly feel rejected and hurt and like we are running out of time.

I do not want to break up now or even in six months as I am desperately in love, but this makes everything so complicated. I feel bad being mad at his friend when his girlfriend is literally dying, but this was happening before any of this happened and now has just got 10x worse. This might not seem that bad, or it might seem like I am being weak and pathetic. But I just am so so so confused and could do with any words of advice, comfort or support right now.

[MyNameIsTerry]

Sorry to hear about the situation with your BF and your friend's terminal cancer. I hope they can do everything possible to help her and support them through this difficult time

As you say, this situation is not about the illness and the BF using that. The GF, the actual person who is ill, is fine with you going there for that day but her BF is being a pain. If she wasn't terminally ill then I would say it's time your BF approached his rights at the property. If this is a shared lease they are all there as individuals and this BF seems to have the impression it's their home and he is a lodger. The trouble now is it's hard to do it without adding stress to an already bad situation otherwise I would say that BF needs reminding of how things work and if he wants the house to himself he should buy or rent one on that basis.

With this in mind is it possible to work around it by spending time together elsewhere? Not ideal but would nights in a hotel be a compromise? Or going there when they are not there? Your BF is leaving anyway and your relationship is with the friend so if she doesn't mind if he finds out it's just going to be him stewing over it?

Who owns this place? Are they owners renting out or allowing a lodger? Renting will be straightforward in that you will have a tenancy agreement but lodging (I think) has less legal protection. Or is this some dodgy sub letting where the couple shouldn't have anyone else there?

Regardless, once a week is nothing. He's basically being unreasonable.