I don't enjoy being alive anymore and don't know what to do

[beq45]

I am a 27 year old guy and I've have health anxiety (and general anxiety) periodically throughout my entire life, but it has never been as bad as it is now. I remember a time when I was in college and the only anxiety I had was in regards to dating women, and this didn't interfere with my life. 5 or 6 months ago, I would wake up every day with stiff hands and this lasted a few weeks. Right after my hands stopped bothering me, I developed persistent body-wide twitching and became convinced that I was dying of ALS after looking up what might cause my hands to cramp and twitching, and reading stories about how people my age had twitching before being diagnosed with ALS. I read about how these people went to doctors who told them nothing was wrong at first and that their symptoms were related to stress, so I didn't see the point in going to a doctor if I wouldn't trust their diagnosis. For 3 months or so, I would wake up every day wondering if this was the day I lost function of a hand or foot and would never regain that function again. 4+ months later, I have been adding muscle mass, gaining significant strength weight lifting, and the twitching has decreased a lot in frequency. I assume if I had ALS I would be in a wheelchair at this point and the situation would be a lot different. I still have ALS in the back of my head, but my most recent focus has been a brain tumor. I'm at a point where I honestly wish I had one of these terminal diseases to put an end to everything, because I know I'm never going to live a meaningful life the way things are going. I can't go the rest of my life convinced I am dying of XYX disease every few months. I stopped posting in the other forums here because it was always something new every few weeks and I felt like it was disrespectful to keep posting about the same things.

I've been socializing much less than I used to and I have little interest in being in a relationship, because I keep convincing myself I'm not going to be around much longer and what woman would want to date a man who doesn't enjoy life and is preoccupied with thoughts of his own death?. I've heard many stories about how people let their health anxiety destroy their relationship and I haven't dated someone in a few years because of this.

[BlueIris]

You don't have to live like this, I promise.

The first thing you need to do, though, is commit to learning to manage your anxiety - a visit to your healthcare provider is usually a great start with this.

[Carys]

I agree , I think this is simple beq45......go to your GP. 'Not living like this' - well there is fortunately another solution rather than having a terminal disease Open up and tell them how bad you feel and the level of your anxiety about health, take a list of bullet points if necessary; the effect it is having on your life, how low it is making you etc and request a mental health referral for support. I actually think you are further along in the process of dealing with this than you think , you have done a few fairly hard foundation things - 1. Accepted that it was/IS HA causing your fear of various symptoms. 2. Recognised that you want to not have HA as part of your life. (many never get to that point). You have actually moved on from the ALS and dealt with it actually, unfortunately, as is shown by so many here another illness takes its place with equal savagery. You have the ability to change things around and you are really SO young, with the rest of your life ahead of you. This can be kicked in the WHATSITS with the right techniques and efforts on your part. I think you would be able to do that too, put in the effort, as you have the motivation with wanting an end to this miserable state.

[ankietyjoe]

The problem here is all those stories you're reading, all those unfounded fears you're planting inside your head.

"Because I keep convincing myself" is the key phrase here.

Stop researching, stop googling and stop wondering.

It has been said here thousands of times before, but if you insist on googling stuff, you will suffer. There are no if's, no but's, and no way around this. If you google, you will suffer. So stop doing it.

Focus on just that, and you'll start to feel better over time. Next time you feel like googling, pick up a goddam weight and try and set a new PB

[beq45]

I agree , I think this is simple beq45......go to your GP. 'Not living like this' - well there is fortunately another solution rather than having a terminal disease Open up and tell them how bad you feel and the level of your anxiety about health, take a list of bullet points if necessary; the effect it is having on your life, how low it is making you etc and request a mental health referral for support. I actually think you are further along in the process of dealing with this than you think , you have done a few fairly hard foundation things - 1. Accepted that it was/IS HA causing your fear of various symptoms. 2. Recognised that you want to not have HA as part of your life. (many never get to that point). You have actually moved on from the ALS and dealt with it actually, unfortunately, as is shown by so many here another illness takes its place with equal savagery. You have the ability to change things around and you are really SO young, with the rest of your life ahead of you. This can be kicked in the WHATSITS with the right techniques and efforts on your part. I think you would be able to do that too, put in the effort, as you have the motivation with wanting an end to this miserable state.

I don’t feel like getting professional help. I think my only option is to live with it and hope that I actually get one of these diseases I think I have so it just puts and end to this weakness of mine. I don’t expect to live a long life for a variety of reasons, but don’t have the courage to even take my own life

[Carys]

I don’t feel like getting professional help. I think my only option is to live with it and hope that I actually get one of these diseases I think I have so it just puts and end to this weakness of mine. I don’t expect to live a long life for a variety of reasons, but don’t have the courage to even take my own life

Oh ok. I was wrong about the motivation to kick HA in the butt All the best to you then beq45.

[jray23]

I don’t feel like getting professional help.

You've mentioned this before. Why?

Wouldn't you get professional help if your car needed repair?

Wouldn't you get professional help back in college if your studies were falling behind?

Wouldn't you get professional help to replace a stove or toilet?

Wouldn't you get professional help (a pilot) to travel overseas?

And so on. Why is professional help for your mental health such a big obstacle for you?


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[beq45]

You've mentioned this before. Why?

Wouldn't you get professional help if your car needed repair?

Wouldn't you get professional help back in college if your studies were falling behind?

Wouldn't you get professional help to replace a stove or toilet?

Wouldn't you get professional help (a pilot) to travel overseas?

And so on. Why is professional help for your mental health such a big obstacle for you?


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I guess I don’t feel like I deserve to get better. I have some slight self-destructive tendencies and don’t tend to do things to help myself. It’s like how I don’t date because I don’t think I deserve a relationship

[BlueIris]

Of course you deserve a happy life. Everybody does.

[beq45]

Of course you deserve a happy life. Everybody does.

Even if I wanted to be happy, I don’t think I am capable of being happy. I have everything I could want in life as a guy (height, good shape, good job, good family) besides a woman in my life, but I am determined to destroy myself. I am convinced my life is a waste and I'm not doing anything here, so why should I live a nice full life? My thought on that matter is that I wish I wasn’t born every day and the shorter my life, the better. I am thinking about becoming an alcoholic because it's in my genes and almost killed a family member of mine, so maybe it will kill me.