Please help me- false memories increasing

[Pinguanxious]

Hi,

I’ll keep the background brief, I used to kiss and flirt with other men at the start of my relationship 12 years ago, after 2 years I suffered a breakdown and told my now husband everything, I was then consumed by rocd that even caused me to leave him, but after a couple of days realised that I was worse without him.
The next time 3 years ago I relapsed and had incredibly ocd and anxiety that maybe I missed something and I felt incredibly guilty and became obsessed with telling him every detail. I went in sertraline and eventually this all calmed down and went.
After a stressful period this year in which my husband was very ill, on Monday I got intrustive thoight that again maybe I hadn’t told him everything. The next day he agreed for me to tell him every detail. I thought I could move on. I didn’t. I became obsessed with other minor details I may have missed, even to the point of getting my parents involved and telling them bad things I did when I was a child. I went back to the doctors that day and was represcribed sertraline. Since then the thoughts have increased ten fold. It started with what if I did this what if I did that. And I’ve been constantly confessing to my partner. Then yesterday I had .... what I slept with this particular person and don’t remember it ( we was in a jacuzzi and he did try to get me to sleep with him by dragging me into him and said no) this thought has got worse and worse, what if I slept with him has now turned into visual thoughts of me comitting the act. Ive never felt so low. This to me would be shocking. Is it possible this is my ocd or is it possible I did it and repressed a memory. I’m at a point of despair. I can’t function, I feel sick, I’m so scared right now. I’ve just taken my 5th tablet and I know they take time to work but this is seeming extremely excessive.

To be clear I had a similar thought 6 months ago about someone else. And it went after a couple of days and I realised it would never happen.

But this one I can’t shake. This thought has not bothered me once in the last 12 years since the incident. I’ve only ever slept with my partner. I know I have done wrong in the past, but if I have done this I couldn’t live with myself.

Please anyone able to help?

The sertraline dose is 50mg, I had other side effects too, nausea loose bowels jaw clenching yawning and feeling like fire was rushing through my body.

Is this the drugs, ocd or is it just a repressed memory

[BlueIris]

It's your OCD; it's a horrible condition and it makes you doubt yourself.

There's no need, you've done nothing wrong.

[Pinguanxious]

How do I stop it,
I know I did some bad things. And 6 months ago I could look at this all and feel remorse but not let it bother me. ( me and my husband were 16 when we got together this all occurred in the first 2 years and I have been in and out of therapy since I was 5 for some previous issues and I suffer incredibly low self esteem) so I know I need therapy to work through all this and I have an assessment Monday morning.

Just honestly never felt this low but To be honest I think I have actually Cos the last episode i had 3 years ago I was actually trying to cut myself. Now I’m not at that point yet but I am at the point where I just want it to stop and I’m feeling more desperate.

I know it’s silly but I can’t shake that I did it and just forgot, please how can I make it better

[BlueIris]

Can you get an emergency GP appointment today?

[Pinguanxious]

Doubtful but Ive got some
Diazepam I’m going to take one. I’m not at any point of doing anything silly I promise I know how stupid that would be. But I’m just feeling lost. I may go to my dads for the day too. I just want to feel better I guess x

[BlueIris]

That sounds like a really good idea.

Please take care of yourself, and keep us informed.

[Pinguanxious]

How can I be sure this thought is my ocd and not a repressed memory or something I forgot about. I feel so guilty that this may have happened especially now I’m getting visual thoughts of it actually happening.

[BlueIris]

Repressed memories are very, very rare.

[MyNameIsTerry]

Pingu,

Youhave been struggling and it has lead to a resurgence of the old problems. You sort help from your GP who has decided to reinstate your Sertraline. You are now feeling worse and experiencing increased levels of anxiety and intensified intrusive thoughts. Sertraline, like any antidepressant, can increase anxiety levels as a side effect until you pass through that start up period. Sertraline take about 6 days to even balance itself in your blood plasma and whilst this is happening it can have a rocking effect of up/down in those Serotonin levels as well as the baseline increasing so that you can be all over the place and feel baseline anxiety levels raising.

When in the side effect window - don't judge stuff. It will be the med. This may (hopefully) settle down as you get more used to the med.

As for intrusive thoughts, this is going to be tough right now with the med doing this and it's a matter of just getting through each day hour by hour. Do what you need to do to get through it and take any comfort from things like going to see your dad that you can. The work to recover comes after you get through this short period of side effects.

You know all the stuff about confession compulsions and how they won't work. You know it's about uncertainty. You know it's all an anxiety trick. You know about false memory/doubting of memory. You have a long thread talking about it where you can see how you improved but also see all the blips. You will get yourself sorted again, you did before, but you are at the beginning so please try to accept this is the worst part and minimise any kicking of yourself. Distract yourself away from too much thinking time, keep busy. The work can come once you get the med settled.

[Pinguanxious]

Just wanted to say I’m in a bit of a calmer place now. When I’m calmer I can see this for what it is, I remember the events clearly, I know that this is just an intrusive thought bought on by ocd.
I think the sertraline side effects are making it worse but I’ll stick it out it’s only been five days.

Terry thanks for commenting, you give such good advice and your right I had ups and downs before. I’ll get better.