New Chapter

[Elen]

Brilliant news Sarah

[SarahNah]

Brilliant news Sarah

Thank you Elen , I'm doing my best to give myself a big old kick up the bum and get onto a good path again! If anyone I didn't have sinus/hayfever I'd run through a field of flowers to give myself another push of happiness . Yet in trying to be calm, I found a actually hard lump in my upper neck and it doesn't matter the area because it doesn't matter but lets hope I can push on x!

[SarahNah]

I manged to go out all day, get some shopping done, call up to my friend, help my parents with some tax stuff! So along day!

I've come to the thought this lump thing is either a under skin spot or something that will go away. I guess because I'm having some headache and eye pain on that side so extra panic! Which is still a silly thing for me to do. I need to be more positive and full of life and not so panic at everything. There's pain when I touch it so- a good sign! I found it by accident so I'm going to sit on my hands a awit a few days before checking it again but I'm guessing it will be gone at that stage!

I'm heading off to hols on Wednesday and I'm looking forward to it! I went all out for it- even booking to get my nails and hair done on Monday! My Mam said it's nice I'm spending some money on myself for a change !

[SarahNah]

Some thoughts I'm having....I would love to say I'm dealing with the lump like I said yet when I looked into the mirror I thought I could see it look worse etc etc etc. I feel like old panic in my chest, as it's harder and feels deeper than anything I've had before. Like I can actually see a lump shape sticking out, I've never had this before. I did ask my Mam earlier if she could see a spot- I had to ask. She said it's probably just a spot under the skin or a glad and for some reason that scared me more. I know I'm being stupid and I'm sorry. I'm also getting night flushes and I feel exhausted alot. I'm sorry for listing things, it's just it's 2 am and my mind is going into over-drive

I had a stomach infection last year, I went to a gp a few times with pain (not my normal gp, she was on level for personal reasons.) I would be crying in pain, losing three stone in a month and just kept sending me away until my own gp came back and sent me straight for tests. I wish I had/ have notice this lump before my last appointment. As I feel that panic of it being hard to notice the difference. Like I had a total blood count about two and half moments ago, so I'm trying to have that to calm and lots of other things but I'm feeling down. So, that impact made it hard for me to know if something is real or not.



I was in a very bad mental place at the time - because (TW) I was sexually assaulted by someone I trusted and alot of stuff came from that. Including a lot of physical and emotional danged. I'm scared to type that as I've never went into detail about this here and no one in my life besides my therapist and gp know about this. I also failed classes in college because of this, so I feel behind and I was always- not to be full of myself but a straight A student. I was always in the top half of claases. So to have that happen, was another hit. I also lost a best friend who caused hassle in my life. There's always more and I know this sounds like excuses. When I say I used the HA to hide and now it became a big thing. There so much mixed into it.

I thought of my boyfriend who is so calm, he had a visible lump under his eye for four months and it got bigger and I said nothing as he is his own person. A adult who can make their own choices- but I did worry about him alot. Yet it never crossed his mind. I'm feeling disappointed in myself.

[SarahNah]

I'm having a rough day, everything still bad and mentally I'm down. I touched my neck once and it seemed worse. I'm feeling a strange discount between my mind and body. I'm at my friend's for a party and I'm sitting in the toilet trying to take deep breathe and chill out somewhat.

[SarahNah]

I'm just updating this, I made it lol I don't know why but lately I keeping getting this feeling of feeling spacey and struggling to breath- I've got it the last few hours ago. Propbaly alot of worry lol. I didn't touch the lump at all today, in fact I went to the beach with my friends and I didn't mention this lump to anyone! Something I would keep saying to everyone in the pass and need their help on working out- so a little win? Trying some deep breathing now to calm myself.

I was going to get rid the big rant up above but no, it's my truth and I'm sorry if it's selfish of me!

[SarahNah]

I finished work until the 2nd of August! I've been working alot of 12/14 hours days lately- So! Looking for to this.

I haven't touched the neck lump, I did find a big old lump at the back of my head- if only it was I was so smart and it was my brain pushing out (Sorry strange saying, it's something my granddad used to say whenever we would get a knock on the head as a kid while messing about and he was trying to make us laugh!...I guess.) Nah, all jokes aside, it's probably nothing as it hurts when pushed. I have hair down to my waist, so I've probs banged the area a few times or you know as people have said here before our body are perfect or made of marble. Like I guess when I'm getting such bad headaches, my vision feels strange (maybe over thinking on my behave, got my eyes tested last year and they didn't want to see me for another year.) I'm going to give myself a real kick up the ass and get going with the path to recovery again. Like there's lots of non bad reasons for why I've been feeling the way I do, sinus issues, hay-fever, our bodies not being made or marble etc

I'm getting my hair cut tomorrow for the first time in two years (I give it a little trim myself every few weeks.). I'm wondering if I should risk it all and get a big chop up to my shoulders! I'm also getting my nails done, so I guess I'm really going all out!

[SarahNah]

Okay....Nights are my big down point! Sorry for ranting so late x

[SarahNah]

So today went wellish! I got over 12 inches cut off my hair! A bug change for me! At least that means less time in the shower . I spent over six hours in town by myself today, I had a few bad moments but I made it! My nails also turned out really well, the women who did it really did a fab job! I was a little nervous after the last time I got them done and she ended up staining my skin. I also packed everything I need and I'm leaving Wednesday !

The last two nights sleep has been hard, about two hours of sleep the last two nights- my mind been non stop racing. I had all of the physical issues again today, I was exhausted but I manged to get through it all

[pulisa]

I hope you have a wonderful holiday and manage to get an extended break from anxiety and all the exhaustion of normal life!

12 inches from your hair is a really dramatic change but I bet it looks great and it will certainly make things easier for you.

Battling through each day and night is so hard and you must be absolutely shattered mentally and physically..Life becomes an endurance test and it shouldn't be when you are young..I do hope you find some peace and happiness on holiday and that you can get some sleep which will help you so much xx