New Chapter

[Scass]

Happy Birthday Sarah, I hope it’s been a good one x


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[SarahNah]

@Pulisa, thank you so much for taking the time to reply to me when I know you have so much going on in your own life. I'll be sending you lots of positive thoughts during this time x. I'm doing my best to live the best I can because I'm the only one who can really pull myself long in this- it's not easy but I really put out some of my negative feelings in therapy yesterday. It was hard, very hard but sometimes it gets harder before it gets better. Thank you so much for the kind words and the birthday wish xx

@Scass Thank you so much for taking the time to reply and for the birthday wish xx

Today wasn't easy but I didn't expect it to me. My chest has ached all day, my heart has been going fast- it been hard to breath but I know it's my anxiety. It's my body reminding itself of how bad things were before. That this is a bad time for me- but I aint going to let it win! I'm going to keep pushing, I'm going to get there. I'm going to win this round x

[SarahNah]

Sorry need to rant here:

I feel like I'm back at the old place, I went have what's happening with my health or why I feel so panic and there's no point in listing here. I'm truly scared and freaked. It really is effecting me big.

I'm trying to be reasonable and breath through it. I wish I had someone to talk to. Not even panic at, just talk to.

TW:
In therapy I talked alot lately about how I wished to kill myself in the past and now all those feelings of how I might have wasted time. If I would have been better off dead and while it's important to talk about these issues sometimes it makes it worse. Sometimes it makes it all harder to understand or feel. Just to be clear, I am not wanting to take my own life anymore- i have the other fear of death. Sorry I could explain better but I am trying not to over-share. I know I shouldn't post and I'm sorry to anyone I disappoint in slipping. I'm trying to do better.

I understand that nighttime is rough for me. Any feelings physical or emotional is worse for me- like so many.

[pulisa]

Sarah, you are not disappointing anyone. Therapy can dredge up ghastly painful memories which then stay with you long after the session has finished and particularly when you have time to think and are not occupied...such as during long sleepless nights.

My daughter also has these fears of "wasting time" but you haven't...You have been through a lot and it all takes its toll but you are hardly wallowing in your distress and are making plans for a new and exciting chapter in your life. The past is the past and you can't change that but the present and the future are all yours to shape as you wish and it sounds to me as though you have made some very positive plans and are making the most of your therapy sessions to work through those awful times. You should show yourself some compassion as you face up to these difficult emotions-they have to come out in some way and are no doubt driving your HA.Night times are the worst for feeling alone and frightened xx

[SarahNah]

Sarah, you are not disappointing anyone. Therapy can dredge up ghastly painful memories which then stay with you long after the session has finished and particularly when you have time to think and are not occupied...such as during long sleepless nights.

My daughter also has these fears of "wasting time" but you haven't...You have been through a lot and it all takes its toll but you are hardly wallowing in your distress and are making plans for a new and exciting chapter in your life. The past is the past and you can't change that but the present and the future are all yours to shape as you wish and it sounds to me as though you have made some very positive plans and are making the most of your therapy sessions to work through those awful times. You should show yourself some compassion as you face up to these difficult emotions-they have to come out in some way and are no doubt driving your HA.Night times are the worst for feeling alone and frightened xx

Thank you so much for the reply and kind words Pulisa xx (I'm also very pleased for your own news on your own post x)

I guess I always feel the most disappointed in myself, it feels like it would be to much to have so many more disappointed in me. I'm trying to be more positive and realize there's more to life, that I can do more. That all of this is peaks and valleys, I guess I'm in a valley at the moment. I had a similar reaction about 10 months ago when we were talking about another very difficult issues in therapy and it was hard. It was hard but in the long run it helped work everything out. I made a appointment with my own gp for Monday, giving myself to clear my head before going to see her so I don't give in a panic. Like I said before, this is for the fact my throat still hasn't cleared up! I'll just have a calm talk with her also. I try to remind myself, I've come this far, I've gotten this far and I can go far.

[Fishmanpa]

Sarah,

I just want to say that despite what you feel are setbacks, your courage and persistence in challenging your anxiety is admirable. In many ways, you remind me of my daughter in the way you battle the dragon. There will always be backward steps in your journey. How you handle them is what counts. You're working harder than most and should give yourself credit.

I'm reminded of an analogy. The journey toward healing is like autopilot on a jetliner. The destination is set but there will be headwinds, weather systems and other factors that alter the course momentarily. Ultimately, despite those obstacles, the jet reaches its destination. IMO, you're on course

Positive thoughts

[SarahNah]

@Fishmanpa Thank you so much for this reply! I love the analogy- I used to try and make up my own in English class all the time....no so clever at all I am . I've seen you mention your daughter before- I hope she's in a better mental space now x

Like tonight, this is strange but Wimbledon was on the TV a few hours ago. That kinda...set me off a little. Silly I know but that was what was on TV when the massive break down started! It was like a flash back, but I sat down. I took deep breaths, I tried to clear my mind and remind myself I'm in a different place. I'm not going back to that place again, if I have bad days. I've come so far- and I'm trying to do like alot of you say. Give myself some credit, I haven't had the best times and sometimes I get annoyed with myself for bad times- I forget about how far I have come from those days. Like I said before, I hide behind my HA sometimes- it's like a smaller issues to a big issuer. Just deep breaths and being kinder to myself. For once I don't have a huge list for my doctor on Monday....a shocking change . I'm not feeling my best physically or mentally but I'll get there!

[SarahNah]

I've been okayish but tonight I've got a rush of anxiety. I felt good in myself, good in what was to come after my appointment with my doctor tomorrow. It feels hard to breath and my chest feels strange- all anxiety I'm guessing but I'm miserable!
I suddenly have the fear of more tests- hopefully this is just a bad bubble and I can put it all behind me soon x
Tried some deep breathing and trying to keep my mind going! Hoping this calm lasts x

[SarahNah]

Today went good! I talked to my gp about alot of things (not just physical, I'm very lucky with my gp) and I'm feeling lighter and more like my feet are on the ground

[pulisa]

I'm glad you have a decent GP, Sarah. It can make all the difference to know that you are heard and understood.

I hope the week is easier for you.