Stag do Nightmare - I don’t want to go.

[Humph]

I am meant to be going on my brothers stag do to magaluf on the first weekend of June. I’m his best man. Himself and all of his mates are really looking forward to it except for me. I suffer from anxiety and OCD and I’m dreading every aspect of this trip, from waiting in the airport, the flights, being out there in an unfamiliar place, drinking alcohol. All these things can make my anxiety and OCD really bad and the truth is I really really don’t want to go!!! It has been organised since Jan, luckily his two best mates did most of the organising, and instead of holding my hands up then and saying I wont be able to come abroad, I said nothing and went a long with it. Too scared to dissapoint people and too embarrassed to admit things. Now that we are less than two weeks away It is all I can think about and it’s making me sick. I can’t concentrate on work, its all I think about. I really just want to tell my brother how I’m feeling and that I don’t want to go but i think he’ll be very disappointed and I feel really selfish. So to add to the anxiety, I am feeling selfish and guilty and it is really getting me down. What would you do? Any advice would be much appreciated. Thanks

[ankietyjoe]

Doesn't matter what we'd do tbh. It's really up to you. But..

First of all, if you do, don't drink. There's no law that says you have to. It will make matters worse.

Secondly, tell your Brother at the very least. It's always a massive relief when somebody else knows.

[Scass]

When I was in my early 20s I didn’t go to my best friends hen weekend because of my anxiety. I was her bridesmaid too. 20 years later I don’t particularly regret it, but I wish I had been the type of person that just did things & enjoyed them.

You don’t have to go, or you can go and not do all the typically laddy things that some of the others are doing. There may even be others there that don’t want to do them either., but yes, find a way to explain to your brother how you feel. He might just be happy if you’re happy. Don’t feel guilty, it just adds to the pressure.


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[pulisa]

Don't predict that your brother will be disappointed in a negative way? Talk to him and tell him how you feel? The important thing is that he has chosen you as his Best Man and this doesn't mean compulsory attendance at his Stag do but it does mean that he wants you by his side at his wedding (hopefully on "home" soil?!)

He wouldn't want you to suffer. Talk to him as soon as you can? Not all of us enjoy these things and it's ok to admit it because I bet others are dreading it too.

[Humph]

Some really good comments on here, thank you so much. Scass I totally wish I was the type of person to go and just enjoy things. All his mates in the group chat are saying how “messy” it’s going to be and how great it will be, all the while I’m thinking of anything to get out of going.

I know I should tell him but I’m worried he’ll get really p*ssed off with me for dropping out less than 2 weeks before going, plus I don’t think he quite gets the whole mental health thing. He’s a bit of a “just think positively” type of guy and that he’ll probably think I’m chosing all this for myself. I wish I wasn’t like this and I would love just to go and celebrate my brothers stag do care free, instead the thought of it and the thought of being anxious the whole time is almost bringing me to tears.

[Darksky]

I can imagine just how you feel because I know I'd be the same. If you didn't have anxiety...would you really, really want to go. Anxiety is making your choices for you. It shouldn't, but we are all guilty.

anticipatory anxiety about a future event is always far worse than the reality of it. If you do decide to go, I agree, dont get yourself bladdered. It will make things worse. Not everyone gets drunk even though that's the intention. My son has been to several stag weekends and has come back saying he stayed pretty much sober.

[Humph]

Yeah you’re right darksky. I know that’s what I’d need to do if I went, but all his mates love a good “session” on the drink. And If i went And didn’t drink, there’s probably no point in me being there anyway. After a rough night with anxiety and panic attacks I’ve made the decision to tell my brother I wont be able to go. I feel really selfish but if I went and was anxious it would just spoil it for everyone especially my dad who will worry about me. I’m dreading telling him but I get a huge sense of relief when I think I’m not going to go. Just hope my brother and dad understand and take it ok.

[pulisa]

Yes I agree with Darksky about the anticipatory anxiety aspect but if you are making yourself ill with worry then you have to talk to your brother and tell him you are struggling but don't want to "let him down". It's very easy to "think positive" when you don't have mental health issues but he may have greater empathy than you think?There is so much written about mental health these days and he could well be very supportive. I think you have to take the risk and tell him about your torment and guilt about fear of letting him down?

[pulisa]

Yeah you’re right darksky. I know that’s what I’d need to do if I went, but all his mates love a good “session” on the drink. And If i went And didn’t drink, there’s probably no point in me being there anyway. After a rough night with anxiety and panic attacks I’ve made the decision to tell my brother I wont be able to go. I feel really selfish but if I went and was anxious it would just spoil it for everyone especially my dad who will worry about me. I’m dreading telling him but I get a huge sense of relief when I think I’m not going to go. Just hope my brother and dad understand and take it ok.

I really hope you get some peace now.

[BlueIris]

Hi Humph,

My social anxiety isn't as bad as it was, but it still flares up occasionally and it can be absolutely crippling - when I was younger, I was supposed to study for a year in France and I ran away after six days! So, from experience, it's fine to push your boundaries but it's absolutely okay to have limits - if there's something you're absolutely, completely dreading and the worry about it is ruining your life, it's completely okay to bow out gracefully. That way, you won't have to feel ill any more and you can be happy (which you completely deserve to be!). Additionally, it probably wouldn't be a great experience for your brother if you were there and panicky/miserable.

Self-care is a good thing!

Wishing you all the best.