So,

This isn't about my health. This is about my anxiety in general. I have always had it. I really need your courage and response. I dont know who else to share this with.

I have been in a relationship for over a year, but recently my insecurity is ruining it.

I was bullied from the age of 6 to 12 for being too introverted. I was then abused by this much older man at the age of 13. My first love cheated on me because according to him "you are hot, but thats it, you are extremely boring, and you have no personality." My second love and I were doing great for a year until he changed too one day because we had a completely different outlook in life.

This time I am in a relationship with this amazing guy. We are on the same page on our lifestyle, he has morals, and he is very loyal. 90% of the times we are great and there is amazing chemistry. But my insecurity is driving him away. My past just keeps haunting me.

Every one week or two weeks I would bother him with the following questions:

1) Do you like me? Or are you going to hate me like my ex did?
2) Why didn't you call me today? Do you find me boring? (because he was very busy tbh)
3) Do you hate my personality?
4) Do you not like my body/face/etc? (he hates this question the most because he often compliments me anyway)
5) Please never cheat on me

I keep asking for reassurance from him, and when he reassures me I say things like "you are just lying" "do you even mean them?" etc

I am afraid of losing him, and this entire situation is becoming the case of a self fulfilling prophecy where my anxiety of losing him is driving him away.

In order to fix things, I got into Yoga, I opened an Instagram page of my doodles and blog, I came up with a good plan to follow in June, and I booked an appointment with the doctor which is sadly on the 8th of October.

But still, I sometimes still get anxiety, and when I do I keep asking him for reassurance.

We had an argument recently and he told me yesterday that "i do not want you to feel inadequate in my presense." And that he had a lot going on for him anyway as there were some serious problems at his work. He then told me that "i want you to be my source of peace and not complication, but if you continue this behaviour I end up perceiving you as this complicated person. I need your thoughts and emotions to mature up for the sake of yourself and our relationship. I am trying my best to fight this thought, but everytime you put up a fight it comes back. I really love you, I really care about you and I want you to get better."

I know I am taking steps towards changing, but my question is...will I ever change? My worry is that my anxiety will never go away.