Need Advice Please 😥 : Insecurities Ruining My Life

[glittery]

So,

This isn't about my health. This is about my anxiety in general. I have always had it. I really need your courage and response. I dont know who else to share this with.

I have been in a relationship for over a year, but recently my insecurity is ruining it.

I was bullied from the age of 6 to 12 for being too introverted. I was then abused by this much older man at the age of 13. My first love cheated on me because according to him "you are hot, but thats it, you are extremely boring, and you have no personality." My second love and I were doing great for a year until he changed too one day because we had a completely different outlook in life.

This time I am in a relationship with this amazing guy. We are on the same page on our lifestyle, he has morals, and he is very loyal. 90% of the times we are great and there is amazing chemistry. But my insecurity is driving him away. My past just keeps haunting me.

Every one week or two weeks I would bother him with the following questions:

1) Do you like me? Or are you going to hate me like my ex did?
2) Why didn't you call me today? Do you find me boring? (because he was very busy tbh)
3) Do you hate my personality?
4) Do you not like my body/face/etc? (he hates this question the most because he often compliments me anyway)
5) Please never cheat on me

I keep asking for reassurance from him, and when he reassures me I say things like "you are just lying" "do you even mean them?" etc

I am afraid of losing him, and this entire situation is becoming the case of a self fulfilling prophecy where my anxiety of losing him is driving him away.

In order to fix things, I got into Yoga, I opened an Instagram page of my doodles and blog, I came up with a good plan to follow in June, and I booked an appointment with the doctor which is sadly on the 8th of October.

But still, I sometimes still get anxiety, and when I do I keep asking him for reassurance.

We had an argument recently and he told me yesterday that "i do not want you to feel inadequate in my presense." And that he had a lot going on for him anyway as there were some serious problems at his work. He then told me that "i want you to be my source of peace and not complication, but if you continue this behaviour I end up perceiving you as this complicated person. I need your thoughts and emotions to mature up for the sake of yourself and our relationship. I am trying my best to fight this thought, but everytime you put up a fight it comes back. I really love you, I really care about you and I want you to get better."

I know I am taking steps towards changing, but my question is...will I ever change? My worry is that my anxiety will never go away.

[BlueIris]

You're still young, Glittery. I can't pretend that the anxiety might not always be a problem (my experience is that it never goes away entirely), but you can manage it so that it's much less of a one than it currently is.

Also, from personal experience, the right guy will stick around. My husband puts up with all manner of nonsense from me, but I know he's never considered ending things. What he does do, however, is let me know when my behaviour is becoming unacceptable, or when things are bad enough that I need to look into getting medical help again.

Relationships are all about the teamwork - treat him well during the good times and show him you're making every effort to keep your anxiety under control, and if he's worth keeping, he'll stick around. If not? Well, you're better off with somebody who really deserves you.

[glittery]

Thank you for your response Blueiris. More than anxiety, the problem is the increased frequency. Like if it happened once in two months or so, it would not have been a problem, but it keeps happening every 2 weeks these days.

Have you improved with time?

[BlueIris]

The anxiety manifests in different ways, but I'm definitely less insecure, yes.

[ankietyjoe]

I'm sorry for what you have been through. It's certainly the cause of your anxiety and insecurity.

First of all, I would like to suggest that you don't think about changing yourself for anybody else. You're not harming anybody by being the way you are, and the way you are is fine. Change because you want to, that's it.

Your experiences would definitely be classed as trauma, and I think they need to be dealt with in that way too. Your anxiety is a symptom of that, not of itself.

Are there any resources or services locally where you can talk to a professional about what you're feeling and what you've been through?

[glittery]

Thank you for your response.

I do want to change myself for the sake of my own mental health too. I feel like i miss the opportunity of happiness and good moments because of my negative thinking, which then impacts the people around me negatively too.

In Hong Kong, anything thats private is super expensive. Like 70 usd per hour. The public hospital appointment is on 8th October.

[Fishmanpa]

I do want to change myself for the sake of my own mental health too. I feel like i miss the opportunity of happiness and good moments because of my negative thinking, which then impacts the people around me negatively too.

From personal experience, looking at it from your boyfriend's side, I can tell you this... Making the effort and working on yourself is paramount. I assume he's aware of the causes of your insecurities but even so, it can be very challenging to deal with. If my ex wife had made efforts to help herself with her mental illness, suffice it to say, things may have turned out differently. I understand finances may be an issue, but getting help for how your past is affecting you is vitally important. even once a month is better than waiting 4 months.

Positive thoughts

[glittery]

I will consider it Fishmampa. I understand that it can be challenging for him, and not just for him, the problem is that I feel like if I continue this behaviour it will be challenging for anyone around me.

I know that most of the times I am okay but the frequency increases when I am free of work. This is why I am making myself more busy to handle it for the moment.

I am going to see how it goes.

Today he called me to say that he is sorry for his behavior yesterday and cant think of life without me. But that doesnt change anything for me.. I still want to work on myself and make things better.

[Fishmanpa]

I still want to work on myself and make things better.

Why not download the FREE CBT course and start now?

Positive thoughts

[glittery]

Thanks!