I think I've fallen off the wagon. Feeling defeated.

[ErinKC]

My anxiety has been so well controlled the past year almost now. But over almost that same amount of time I've also had intermittent abdominal pain/tenderness that I first associated with my cycle and later with gastro issues (per my OBGYN). I haven't let this get me down because it comes on and off, etc... nothing constant, not other symptoms. But, for some reason (maybe added stress of my daughter being sick all last week and us stuck in the house, maybe the fact that she just finished pre-school which is a huge life milestone, etc..) this past time has made me more anxious. Two night ago my abdomen felt hard, a new symptom, and I started to worry a bit more.

I posted on the IBS forum, trying to moderate my anxiety and treat it as rationally as possible and fishmanpa offered great insight. I tried to stay on course. I avoided googling and I called my primary care doctor and made a check up appointment for Friday. But, then I sat down and couldn't stop thinking about it... so I went to urgent care (which is like an alcoholic going to the bar for me). They did blood work/urine sample - all normal and the doctor felt my abdomen. She could feel the hard section and said it could be poop (though less likely because I'd gone several times today), it could be a fibroid (which I do have, but my OBGYN didn't think they were causing the pain since my uterus tilts backward), or it could be another mass. She suggested seeing my primary and pushing for an ultrasound to see what's going on.

I am doing my absolute best not to let the fear overtake me. I was able to push my doctor's visit up to tomorrow morning. I called my OBGYN to see if I can get in for an ultrasound today and I'm waiting on a call back. I'm having so many emotions now - fear, but also disappointment in myself both for waiting so long to see someone about this and for falling back on my crutch of urgent care.

Recently I've described to others on this forum that I think of my anxiety like an addiction that I'm in constant recover for - not something that will magically be cured for good. So, I'm trying to tell myself that my anxiety is pushing my actions right now and that it's ok to be anxious because it's part of me, but that I don't have to let it take over. I haven't had a full on panic attack about this yet and I'm trying to remain as calm as possible. Of course, it's so hard to control the thoughts that spill into my mind.

I'm starting law school in August, which is a major, major life change and I think under the surface I've been very anxious about whether or not I can handle it or if it's a good idea. My daughter will start kindergarten and after being a stay at home mom for 5 years it will be the first time we're apart so much. There are just so many changes coming up that are major sparks for my anxiety and I am trying very hard to get through them as best I can.

I'm not sure the point of this post! But, I wanted to get everything out that I'm feeling.


Edit to add: My anxiety is actually not overwhelming me at this point, but it's almost like that's more confusing. Like my body and mind are thinking - when am I going to freak out? Where is the panic attack? Has anyone ever experienced that? I mean - I'm glad. But I want to try my best to go with that feeling and not let the panic take over.

[SarahNah]

Hi hun, sorry you didn't get any reply earlier.

In ways I can relate to you, I've lived in a bubble since I started to suffer with anxiety (or mental health in general). Life has been lived by certain rules and day to day things to live by. I'm taken a chance, I'm moving to a new country by myself. Freaking! But we're doing this. You can do this. You sound like a very articulate person to me in your repsones to people, the world of law does need someone who understanding like you.

My health anxiety has been very bad lately, every since I decide to make the move 100%. My headaches are horrible- can't stop checking my throat- but I've been here before. I've lived through it before.

Sorry if this is a ramble, Please update us how you get on x

Just to say also, my Mam went back to college when I was the same age as your daughter. I've always admired her hard work. Well done- on the first place for getting in x

[ErinKC]

Hi hun, sorry you didn't get any reply earlier.

In ways I can relate to you, I've lived in a bubble since I started to suffer with anxiety (or mental health in general). Life has been lived by certain rules and day to day things to live by. I'm taken a chance, I'm moving to a new country by myself. Freaking! But we're doing this. You can do this. You sound like a very articulate person to me in your repsones to people, the world of law does need someone who understanding like you.

My health anxiety has been very bad lately, every since I decide to make the move 100%. My headaches are horrible- can't stop checking my throat- but I've been here before. I've lived through it before.

Sorry if this is a ramble, Please update us how you get on x

Just to say also, my Mam went back to college when I was the same age as your daughter. I've always admired her hard work. Well done- on the first place for getting in x

Thanks so much for your response! I fell all the way down the rabbit hole and went to the ER. The biggest reason was when I called my doctor to get an appointment the nurse kept saying, "if you have concerning abdominal pain you should always go go to the ER" .. so I just did it. I felt stupid, but when I got there and went through triage the doctor immediately felt the lump in my abdomen that I had been feeling and sent me for an ultrasound, so I felt less silly.

They found what I was suspecting - fibroids. The one in the front that I was feeling is 7.5 cm (the size of a peach!) and the doctor said that absolutely this is what's causing my pain. I'm happy to have that answer but also so frustrated that my own doctor brushed me off so much. The biggest reason I was so worried is that not one, but two, doctors told me the fibroids wouldn't cause pelvic pain because they were "small" (based on a 9 month old ultrasound that still listed one as 6cm!) and my uterus was tiled backward. I'll see my obgyn tomorrow to go over everything, but I'm glad I went because I finally had someone acknowledge what I've been suspecting for months now! I had emergency surgery 8 years ago for a 14 cm fibroid that became necrotic so I really, really hate that my doctors don't take my concerns to heart!

My anxiety is doing a lot better after that. I've been dealing with fibroids for nearly 15 years, so I can handle this. I know that I need to be aggressive in keeping track of them because my doctors won't. But, I'm relieved that it's nothing scarier!

I'm sorry your anxiety is bad, too. Change can be so upending and really spark anxiety, but also open so many doors!

And, thank you so much for your kind words and it's lovely to know that you admired your mom going back to school when you were young! It will be hard to miss so many bed times, but I do hope it has an overall positive effect on all of us!

[SarahNah]

Thanks so much for your response! I fell all the way down the rabbit hole and went to the ER. The biggest reason was when I called my doctor to get an appointment the nurse kept saying, "if you have concerning abdominal pain you should always go go to the ER" .. so I just did it. I felt stupid, but when I got there and went through triage the doctor immediately felt the lump in my abdomen that I had been feeling and sent me for an ultrasound, so I felt less silly.

They found what I was suspecting - fibroids. The one in the front that I was feeling is 7.5 cm (the size of a peach!) and the doctor said that absolutely this is what's causing my pain. I'm happy to have that answer but also so frustrated that my own doctor brushed me off so much. The biggest reason I was so worried is that not one, but two, doctors told me the fibroids wouldn't cause pelvic pain because they were "small" (based on a 9 month old ultrasound that still listed one as 6cm!) and my uterus was tiled backward. I'll see my obgyn tomorrow to go over everything, but I'm glad I went because I finally had someone acknowledge what I've been suspecting for months now! I had emergency surgery 8 years ago for a 14 cm fibroid that became necrotic so I really, really hate that my doctors don't take my concerns to heart!

My anxiety is doing a lot better after that. I've been dealing with fibroids for nearly 15 years, so I can handle this. I know that I need to be aggressive in keeping track of them because my doctors won't. But, I'm relieved that it's nothing scarier!

I'm sorry your anxiety is bad, too. Change can be so upending and really spark anxiety, but also open so many doors!

And, thank you so much for your kind words and it's lovely to know that you admired your mom going back to school when you were young! It will be hard to miss so many bed times, but I do hope it has an overall positive effect on all of us!

I'm glad to hear you got some answers- It can be hard when they talk to you like that. Another user here (Who I know in real life and is a very good friend, so won't mind me saying this.) Had issues after a small opp, she rang the helpline number they gave her and the nurse was rather blunt with her. Telling her to go to the A&E instead of calling the number. Turns out there was a issue with the opp! It's all working out okay now (Even after doctors doubted her!)

I hope you feel better soon x Thank you for the update!

[MyNameIsTerry]

It sounds like the doctor would have picked this up at the appointment with you exhibiting these symptoms and without the nurse saying that you would have held on. I think you would know if abdominal pain was enough to warrant an emergency visit so her planting that seed spiked your anxiety further.

Don't feel bad about it, limit any kicking of yourself. We all have blips. It's more important we learn from them and try to change things in the future.

In this case you had a justified concern. But you will also be able to look back and asses where anxiety took things to another level so you can have a strategy if it happens again.

[ErinKC]

It sounds like the doctor would have picked this up at the appointment with you exhibiting these symptoms and without the nurse saying that you would have held on. I think you would know if abdominal pain was enough to warrant an emergency visit so her planting that seed spiked your anxiety further.

Don't feel bad about it, limit any kicking of yourself. We all have blips. It's more important we learn from them and try to change things in the future.

In this case you had a justified concern. But you will also be able to look back and asses where anxiety took things to another level so you can have a strategy if it happens again.

Thanks, Terry. Very true. I had not even thought of going to the ER until she said that like 5 times. I know it was a cover your ass thing to say, but it definitely planted a seed.

[IreneRumi]

I highly recommend finding a copy of and reading the book “Duct Tape and Bag Balm” by Beach Conger, MD. Its a book I picked up at random but one of the things that has helped me most. It’s very funny, the fictionalized tales of a country doctor. In particular he deals with one health anxious patient in a way that has helped me recover and see things in a new light. It’s not very long and well worth checking out. I might try to post an excerpt to this forum if I get the time.

[ErinKC]

I highly recommend finding a copy of and reading the book “Duct Tape and Bag Balm” by Beach Conger, MD. Its a book I picked up at random but one of the things that has helped me most. It’s very funny, the fictionalized tales of a country doctor. In particular he deals with one health anxious patient in a way that has helped me recover and see things in a new light. It’s not very long and well worth checking out. I might try to post an excerpt to this forum if I get the time.

Thanks, Irene! I am always looking for a good book. I will check my library!

Oh - they do have it! I'll take it out this week.

[IreneRumi]

That’s wonderful! Please report back if you read it, I’d love to hear what you think. In particular he interacts with a health anxious patient named “Fusswood” who becomes health anxious after a surgery for a benign fatty tumor... but the unknown and the process kicks off Fusswoods health anxiety in a very relatable way.

[ErinKC]

That’s wonderful! Please report back if you read it, I’d love to hear what you think. In particular he interacts with a health anxious patient named “Fusswood” who becomes health anxious after a surgery for a benign fatty tumor... but the unknown and the process kicks off Fusswoods health anxiety in a very relatable way.

That sounds so relevant to me! My health anxiety started after I had my emergency surgery for the crazy 14 cm fibroid. It was sol, so traumatic and horrifying, 9 day hospital stay, very difficult recovery, etc... So I now always go to worst case scenario and have a tendency to mistrust doctors since none every told me that this complication could occur. So, I got kind of intense when I think my fibroids are acting up.

I feel a bit less mad with myself because I went to see my gynecologist today for a follow up and she did and exam and could clearly feel it even though she wasn't able to feel it as much last time, two months ago. She said it's possible it's beginning to degenerate, which can cause pain, and ordered an MRI since that's the best way to definitively see what's happening. I'm surprisingly less stressed out than I was expecting. It's a weird feeling - kind of like when you have the hiccups for a long time and then they go away and you keep anticipating another one. I keep anticipating my panic, but it's not coming. I think I'm just so glad to have taken the reigns on this one and that I'll be getting some definitive answers soon. I've been trying to get doctors to take my fibroids seriously for years and years, and now finally someone is!! I have mild anxiety about the MRI finding something else sinister or finding that I'm among the less than 1% of people whose fibroids turn cancerous, but even that isn't actually freaking me out because I know how absolutely rare it is.

I'm hoping to get the MRI ASAP and hopefully put this to rest! I think the chances of it being anything serious are slim, with the worst possible scenario being that I'll need to do a uterine artery embolization to try and shrink them. I'm not in love with that idea, but it's not major surgery so hopefully that's the most I'll potentially need.