So, last year, the doctors discovered that I had a rather leaky aortic valve after I went for a checkup for palpitations. The thing is, the doctor mentioned that the only option for this would be valve replacement surgery (open-heart surgery) and I'm deathly afraid. Even though my doctor knew I had health anxiety, he really didn't hold back when explaining all the potential risks and complications to me (which I understand he is legally obliged to do). I almost burst into tears in the office right there and then (and I'm a guy! Not that I'm trying to be sexist or anything). While I know that with the current level of medical technology, this is a more or less "routine" major surgery, it's still major nonetheless. To top things off, I have a connective tissue disorder (which evidently was responsible for the valve's failure in the first place) that makes my risk much higher (a whopping 30% mortality rate in other similar cases. Thanks, doc). Because of this, minimally invasive valve replacement isn't even recommended by my doc as they want to have full access in case something happens. It took a couple of months after this appointment to get myself out of this funk, but the results of the next 6-month followup have brought me right back to square one as my heart has increased in size and the ejection fraction has worsened.
To boil things down, I'm afraid of three things. One, that I will not wake up from surgery. Two, the pain and discomfort that will come from the recovery process (intubation, chest tube removal, etc...). Three, that damage might occur and that I'll have to permanently alter my lifestyle because of it (blood-thinners, dialysis that comes with kidney failure, etc...)
Right now, I feel like I'm just biding my time until symptoms start and I'll have to undergo the surgery and it's not making it easy for me to look forward to anything in my life, knowing that it will only bring me closer and closer to that promised date. I feel like, at 30, that my life has been unfairly cut short. I've been contemplating writing a will, but I don't know if that will make things better or worse mentally. I still have so many things I want to do and experience but rushing to get all these things done is not how I want to go about doing it. I'm scared to commit to anything from new relationships to new jobs because I feel that I'm just going to disappoint the people around me by not being there to see things through.
If anyone here has undergone open-heart surgery, I'd love to hear any words of comfort, advice or support. My doctor says that it's not a death sentence. But I just don't have it in my heart (ha.) to believe that.