Last year has been very busy and my hypochondriac self had some spikes.
Last weeks I am very tired and those palpitations do not help with worry.
Recently I am a little afraid of getting depressed or burnout. The everything is too much at work and at home stuff. Nearly making it till coming home and then it gets a little better in the evening.
Last week I spoke to my docter because I needed prescription for paroxetine. I take 5mg for at least 10 years now. The doc said maybe you have to go back to 10mg for a while. First I was sceptic but I accepted.
After 1 increased dose I remembered the bad withdrawal symptoms and I descided to maintain 5 mg.
I am very tired and maybe lightly down sometimes but no panic attacks or major issues, i guess.
I read again about the suicidal stuff with paroxetine on google and I think it took a spin on my mind or at least I hope.
When I have a more difficult time sometimes it flashes in my mind “what if there is no other way then” ....... you know.
It scares the crap out of me.
I always think nah I have the kids and want to do so much stuff and so on.
Yesterday after the 1 day higher dose I felt like numb. I got some kind of stuck in my mind. Like I could not think about the future.
The same tought came up, what if there is no other solution than.......
This time because of the stupid paroxetine numbness I felt nothing when I tought of my kids or the house or traveling. I could not find anything that excided me. My brain is playing tricks with me I hope.
I absolutely don’t want to do that ever!!!!!
But this is scaring me. Could it be stress and some anxiety symptom???
I try not to give any of those toughts attention but it is kinda sick you know.
Today it was better i feel more stable or something.
Somethimes I still have this stuck toughts issue, like I cannot think about the future, it is very weird.
I remember a story of a guy who tought about hitting in to a pedestrian once. He would never do it but his mind popped up these kind of toughts and eventually he did not drive a car anymore.
Last year I was on a high building 12t floor or so. My mind popped what if I would jump in my mind. Would never do it but ran down and I was miserable for the rest of the day.
I hope this is some kind of this, I am afraid of dying most of the time and now my mind would suggest otherwise.
Hope someone can relate and ease my mind.
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