So uncomfortable (TW: Sexual harrassment)

[BlueIris]

(Note to mods: sorry if this is too similar to my other work thread; feel free to merge if so)

Not sure where to even begin with this, to be honest. So, brief backstory: about twenty years ago I spent four years in a relationship with a sexually abusive man before I got the hell out of Dodge and met and then married my then and current best friend and dream date. After a while, the worst of the emotional damage healed.

Fast forward, and I now work with teens and vulnerable adults, the latter group consisting primarily of people with learning disabilities.

Most of them are fine, but a couple of the guys frighten the life out of me, especially this one overly tactile guy. Today I was working alone in the library, and he cornered me and hugged me. Okay, not keen, but I could deal. But then, while holding me, he started petting my hair and asking "if I'd had many boys."

I know this shouldn't be a big deal, but I'm feeling so badly shaken and uncomfortable. I'm struggling with how helpless I feel about this, and how angry. It feels as though the man has a free pass to harrass me and all he'll get for doing it is a friendly chat about being appropriate
Argh.

[Carys]

Thats very uncomfortable, yes, makes me feel uneasy on your behalf - BUT - as someone who works with those with learning disabilities there is something that concerns me - what was your response to him? You know this guy's learning disability, presumably, and I would also hope that you have been trained in how to respond and deal with this type of situation ? So, after he 'petted your hair' what did you say and do? I'm not being accusatory, but wondering if you felt supported enough/trained enough and strong enough to make a response that dealt with it at the time. The helplessness you feel could be reduced by an appropriate response by your good self. From what you say here you have reported the incident and you feel he will be taken to one side and 'have a talking to about being appropriate'. As you say, that isn't sufficient, and what you need to know is that you have responses you can make directly to him before this ever gets to this stage again which will halt this behaviour, assessed as the correct responses based on those who know the nature of his disability. HUgging, needs to stop - clearly (he is the instigator) he uses as it as the green light and doesn't understand personal space issues. What could you do to even stop it getting to that point?

Certainly it sounds like this individual should really not be alone with female members of staff until it is proved he is able to behave appropriately- that should be the outcome I would expect !

Sorry Blue, I've written this really quickly and I hope it makes sense and isn't too wittery....

[BlueIris]

Carys, I panicked, froze up and waited for it to stop.

We haven't had any training, and I think a lot of people tend to say "Oh, it's just (X)" and downplay it.

[Carys]

Oh no, you poor thing, thats horrible. That just isn't acceptable that you aren't trained in how to deal with these types of challenging behaviours, it is negligent of your employer and frankly I think this is quite a serious matter. I worked for Mencap for a couple of years, about 15 years ago, and we were given advice and guidance on how to deal with this type of behaviour, should it arise in specific individuals. You are feeling extra spooked because it sounds like you aren't well supported about this type of incident, do you feel you could push harder for some team training ?

[Carys]

I just wrote you a reply and the internet flaked out and collapsed on me, and of course there is no auto save here......how frustrating! Oh its back....above LOL

The other thing I was going to say, is that they are also being remiss with regard to not properly dealing with this type of incident as this type of person with their learning disability is at risk of committing sexual offences. I would certainly suggest that you ensure you are 'ready' and don't allow a 'hug' in future.

[SarahNah]

I don't have much to add- but I just want to say this and I'm sorry you don't have better support/training in place. My job used to alot worse before we complained/asked/pushed for more training on how to deal with certain issues such as this.

I just couldn't not read this and not reply xx

[MyNameIsTerry]

Blue, given your past this can be more traumatic with it digging up past traumas. That being said perhaps this will fade as you process it?

I agree with Carys, if you work in situations where this can happen there should be awareness about how to control such situations. Not only to proect yourself but to protect the person who may not understand they are crossing a boundary that, with another person outside this environment, may be intepreted as a potential criminal act bringing damaging consequences to the person (and obviously the person harassed) in dealing with intrusive questioning.

In this instance your employer needs to be supporting you. Do they know about your past? They should be training you to handle such situations now if they have failed to in the past.

With the person having learning difficulties it sounds like they are treating as someone who is unaware of what they have done as you would do with a child, talk to them to prevent is happening in the future. So, the person may just respond to this now knowing it's wrong. You could also talk about

your future contact with this person if you are uncomfortable and ask them to make adjustments as the environment should be safe for you and him/them. Not only you but he could otherwise do the same to others there including those with their own learning difficulties.

Obviously if this has been someone they judge not so unaware of their actions it would be a criminal matter.

You say yourself you know it is being blown up into a bigger issue due to the past. It caught you off guard and confrontations can be hard for anyone not trained/experienced in handling them.

Have you spoke to your partner about this? Perhaps you need some hugs, some pampering, some distraction, a bit of reassurance from your best friend and a little time to let go of the emotions it has stirred up.

I hope you feel a bit better in the morning.

[glittery]

Hey Blueiris,

I have been in a sexually abusive relationship before (i was 13, the guy was way over 20) and I know how hard it is to deal with sexual harrassment. The scar stays forever and leaves you with trust issues. I am glad you found someone amazing now.

I think given your past issues, it has probably opened a can of worms. It probably took you back to your past for a moment.

Like others have already mentioned, I think you need to talk about this to someone you trust in the organization.

Also, talk to your husband about it. I am sure he will make you feel better.

[BlueIris]

Thank you so much for all the support, guys - it really helps and I know I'll be able to move past this soon enough.

In the meantime, though, I dreamed about my abusive ex last night, and I don't think that's a coincidence.

I told my husband about the incident as soon as it happened, and he's been brilliant - I have massive hair and I'm sensitive about it, so having it messed with by somebody who was recently caught masturbating in a public bathroom with the door open was obviously a particularly uncomfortable part of the experience. Washing my hair wasn't an option, but he helped me dry shampoo it, which at least helps until I'm able to scrub the heck out of it tomorrow morning.

Unfortunately, this man needs regular reminders about what is and isn't appropriate behaviour. I've had hugs before, which I can just about tolerate, and kisses, which made me really uncomfortable. I did feel that the questioning about my love life yesterday crossed an entirely new boundary, though, so I made contact with a senior member of staff who knows my history and also has trouble with this particular learner. She's promised to speak to his teacher so that he can be reminded again.

It's not ideal - there'll always be occasional times when I'm working alone and can't bolt from the area like I usually do when he comes in, and obviously nonverbal signals like avoiding eye contact and looking really busy don't really work - but it'll have to be enough for now; in the meantime I'll wait it out and be kind to myself. Luckily I'll be working at the other college campus today, and then I've got some annual leave and I'm not due back in work until Wednesday afternoon.

Once again, I really appreciate the support on here - I lurked for years before I made an account and I'm so happy to have met such great people.

[Elen]

Regardless of your past this behaviour is totally unacceptable.

As has been previously said your employer should ensure that you have the appropriate level of training to know how to handle situations like this.

I know that your work has been incredibly stressful recently and this is the last thing that you need.

I sincerely hope that today goes better for you