Turning the Page, feeling good when I shouldn't be

[lofwyr]

I had my physical today. Honestly, it was a disaster.


I have a mole that is inflamed, and questionably so, which my doctor wants me to watch for one more week, and if it hasn't healed he wants to biopsy it. I have low vitamin D. I have Beau's Lines on my toenails. My cholesterol is higher than it has ever been. Ever. I need to drop about 30 pounds, but do so without strenuous exercise that might cause my aneurysm to burst and medication that causes weight gain.


And I couldn't be happier.


Well, maybe a little.


I started to develop this notion which was two parts.


First, I am going to die. It WILL happen. It might happen in an hour, and it might be 50 years from now. Who knows. But the point is I have truly accepted it.


I. Am. Going. To. Die.


Somehow, accepting that helped me do something that is hard for me to imagine me being able to do twenty years ago. I resolved to enjoy the very moment I was living. And I mean *this* moment. Not what I would be doing in ten minutes, or even one minute, but right now. This is something I learned about abstractly from my therapist years ago, of course, but hearing and feeling it are vastly different animals. I understood what she was telling me, but I could never really achieve it, not until now, some 15 years later.


It has been a huge breakthrough for me. When anxiety rises up--and it does--I just tell myself something about the beauty of the moment; this meal is delicious, my wife is beautiful, I love this pit bull, my kids are fantastic, the sun feels amazing, the air is soft and warm, I love my job, I love my life. I count the things I love right then and there, let it wash over me, and I can feel the anxiety ebb. Twenty years ago, the idea of sitting on a potentially cancerous mole for a week would have shut me down to the point of complete and utter dysfunction.


I do not share this to boast in any way, I only share it to offer some sense of hope. I still feel anxiety, I struggle with anxiety, it is a fight I will fight until that death comes.


But for the first time, I really feel like I am winning this fight, even if it will last the rest of my life.

[Fishmanpa]

I relate to your post in many ways. I had my checkup two months ago. My triglycerides and cholesterol were high as well as other age and physical side effects from treatment etc. were prevalent. But I'm still here! I re-tested two weeks ago and they're better. That's why my signature is what it is.

Great post and breakthrough against the dragon! "Life is 10% what happens to us, 90% how we handle it." - Charles Swindoll

Positive thoughts

[Yourboymj99]

Hello lofwyr,

This is a great post. Being able to accept I believe is the first step to getting the upper hand on anxiety. Many times I've crumbled under the pressures of anxiety, when I look back even then I had it pretty good. Recognizing that anxiety doesn't have total control and being able to find good in each moment is something I'm certainly going to work on myself. Thanks for the great post.

Take care

[MyNameIsTerry]

Brilliant news and why not share it as it's hope for others? Sounds like you've had an epiphany, the switch in your head goes and you see things in a different way. A cognitive shift I think they may be called? I had mine after studying Mindfulness for about 6 months and a lot changed from there. I think from reading your threads over the past year you have been moving forward and you have had some big stuff happen to you. Keep going, you are doing really well!