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Thread: Recent Depression... Feeling stuck. Just want to vent a little.

  1. #1

    Unhappy Recent Depression... Feeling stuck. Just want to vent a little.

    Iv'e been bottling this up for quite awhile. Most people I talk to (in person) don't really seem to understand the feelings that I have been having lately. I just want to vent and have a place to let it all out. Even if it is to total strangers on the web.

    I want to make so many changes in my life. But I feel like I'm so stuck.

    I want to move out. I want to find a job I will excel at. I want to find a happy relationship. I want to conquer my fears. I want to be happy.

    I have college loans up the wazoo. I have a job that I feel is also depressing me greatly because it is restricting me. Love the people and I have an awesome team, but I hate what I do. It terrifies me that I will be in this same spot for many more years to come. To the point that it just makes me feel worse when my friends and family tell me "You need to make more money to pay for your college and medical issues". Or "You cant move out! You can't afford any of this on your own. Maybe if you chose a different major...". All that crap.

    I have medical and dental bills that keep piling up. To the point that alone just gives me depression. My teeth just keep dying and I'm on my 5th specialist. Iv'e already had two teeth die in less that 6 months. Teeth are pretty expensive when insurance covers nothing lol.

    I want to move out. I want my own space and I feel like not having the pressures of my family always watching over me would help me feel less anxious. I love them dearly, but I feel like they cause a lot of my anxiety. But I cant afford to alone because of my situation.

    I have severe driving anxiety. I know it is holding me back and I am striking out every left and right trying to find help (still...). Medication also doesn't seem to work for me so that's that.

    I have been hating myself for feeling this way. For having anxiety. For liking the wrong people. For connecting with the wrong people. For not having feelings for those who can return them. And it's just been eating at me.

    I have tried dating again a little while back. Not much success, but I just feel like I cannot connect with people anymore. I give it a try, only to disappoint myself. I met this super sweet, nice guy. I gave it a little while, but felt nothing in return. It always seems to be like this. And I'm not the type to ever lead someone on, either. I'd rather be alone than be with someone just to be with someone. I'm a very honest person with that being said.

    Iv'e pretty much fallen for someone I was so against. My coworker I have known for 6 years, but I don't see him much as he works in another department. It's been destroying me. Because it's been 11 years since I felt so happy- and he pretty much just brings it out in me. And it absolutely terrifies me. And in a way I want to tell him because it's such a heavy weight... and it's not even rejection I fear. It's just... i'm afraid of making work awkward for him. I just cannot seem to ever get him alone. I also have a weird fear of getting reported to HR which might sound silly... but this day in age, you just never know. My whole life I have never been instantly attracted to someone; it's pretty much all just been by getting to know someone and then the spark hits. He's pretty much the only one I was ever immediately interested in, weirdly enough. I just brushed it off because again, I never really believed in dating coworkers. Just... the more I get to know him, the more I just really like him. A lot. I always try to go to his events. I don't want to make it so obvious though either... And when he leaves... or walks away, it's just this overwhelming sense of sadness that just comes over me. He's also one of the only people who I feel are just ok with the weird me as I am. He's ok that I have weird likes and interests and finds them interesting and cool. It's just a special feeling he gives me. I can't read him though... He's just always happy and nice to everyone. He's pretty much the highlight of my day when I see him. I could have the worse day ever, but even spending a few minutes with him- makes it all worth it. And I also feel bad for him in a way, because I also feel people take advantage of him because he's just so happy and nice- he wants to help everyone and save the world. And he tries so hard too...

    I have another coworker (who is a rather attractive, in shape guy) who just got out of a relationship and is pretty much always telling me about "How he has no problem getting dates and girls and how he has no idea what my issue is". He makes me feel so worthless sometimes and I get so tired of him always showing off- telling me about his muscles, gym work outs and stuff I could care less about. He also lectures me on stuff all the time, on "how I should work out more to get dates" or "join a gym and get in shape" and he is always comparing me to him, when we are two different people who have completely different hobbies and interests. He lectures me on my diet (I have medical and dental issues so my diet is pretty much soft foods for now), my clothing, coffee choices, desk set up, hobbies etc- he's always criticizing me I feel. He also gets upset if I "don't notice his new shoes" and makes everything about him. He's super moody sometimes and extremely high maintenance. I honestly just brush him off because I feel like he's pretty full of himself and I sort of believe he has this image of "what he should be according to society and masculinity". Nobody else seems to see this side of him either, it is pretty much just me- because I work with him the most and I am the one who is usually alone with him. He's not a bad person and he's great when he's not in a mood- but sometimes I feel like he just needs to get off his high horse and chill. I just often don't feel like listening to him. He kind of drives me crazy sometimes. Even when we go out as a group I have to listen to him criticize me on "how i'm a slob when I eat" and stuff. I feel like it is only me he criticizes too, oddly enough. And I don't know why... I swear, he just exists to torment me.

    I try to not talk about my personal dating life at work, but pretty much everyone has known I have been trying to find someone for the past 6 or so years since Iv'e been there. I just laugh it off like it were a joke when people ask, but deep down inside it really just hurts...

    The holidays are the WORSE for me. Everyone starts planning all the fall parties and Christmas parties at work. I stopped going to them 3 years ago because it just gives me a severe depression. I was always the single one at the table. Watching couples events and stuff just really tore me apart to the point that it just wasn't worth the mental burden for me to go anymore. It made me feel so bad about myself. Even going with friends to the parties just didn't cut it. And then people ALWAYS ask why I'm not going and I tell them the honest truth. Seeing people so happy with each-other just makes me feel empty and sad because I want that.

    I just get so sick of feeling this way...

    I just wanted to vent tonight. Get all my thoughts off my chest into one place where nobody really knows me and I can just escape my every day life. Some days I just find myself crying because I just feel so angry at myself for feeling the way I do. That was me tonight.

    Anyhow, I'm not sure if or how anyone can help. Sometimes I just want to talk to someone that doesn't know me but knows kind of what I am going through. For people who don't have anxiety or fears, they often don't understand the challenges.

    I know they say, one step at a time. But I have no idea what that step is anymore...

    Thank you for reading.

  2. #2

    Re: Recent Depression... Feeling stuck. Just want to vent a little.

    Hi there anxious one. sorry you have been struggling with all of this. I could definetly understand and relate to how you described falling for someone you worked with. Have you tried to make friends with the guy that you really like and spend some time together.? Because maybe you could become friends and talk more often and see if he liked you as well.
    Also it sounds like your getting a little overwhelmed with so many things to worry about all at once. With the still living at home thing, im also in a similar situation and it can be really depressing to be honest as I feel like everyone else is ahead of me and looks down on it. But everyone goes at a different pace and theres nothing wrong with living with your family. Maybe write down a list of the things that are bothering you then try to get a bit more of support for each thing. Do you have a friend you can talk to about your anxiety.
    These forums are really good and sometimes I go to the chat room for some extra support. Maybe you can there later. Good luck

    Sent from my HUAWEI CAN-L01 using Tapatalk

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