Afraid I don’t love my mother?

[Liddy1993]

I have an amazing relationship with my Mam I tell her absolutely everything and love her more than life itself and always have done. Last night in bed I got this thought into my head thinking what if I didn’t really love my mother and if something happened to her I’d be happy. I don’t know why I got this thought but I’m now worried I don’t actually love my mother at all and I feel incredibly guilty over it. I half told her about it earlier telling her I had a dream about it and woke up upset and she laughed and told me that it was only a dream and she wasn’t going to even entertain that thought. I did have these thoughts with my ex boyfriend even though I knew I loved him but I got over it as I knew it wasn’t true. I feel so incredibly guilty even thinking it and am worrying if it is a self conscious thought and not ocd/anxiety. Anyone ever had anything like this happen before? Would love an input.

[Liddy1993]

Anybody??

[Lady123]

Maybe it’s a defence mechanism? Like one of my biggest fears is losing people close to me so I sometimes get thoughts about what I would do if that were to happen, sometimes I feel like I would feel free as it would eliminate my fear. But I know for a fact I don’t want to lose anyone in my life. Does that make sense or do I just sound loopy?!

[Liddy1993]

Oh my god yes! My grandmother died of a heart attack when she was 60 and then my uncle died in his early 40s of one too and ever since then I have this huge fear that someone else is going to die and I’ve made myself physically sick thinking about it. I don’t ever want anything to happen to anyone in my family again but I think you could be right with that thought mechanism. I just feel incredibly guilty for thinking these things knowing how much I actually do love her I feel like an awful person.

[Lady123]

I know the feeling hun, I lost my uncle to a blood clot, aunty to cancer and brother to drugs. It’s screwed me up good and proper! Don’t feel awful, it’s because of your ability to love so deeply that you feel this way. I’m so scared of losing people now, so so petrified. Sometimes wish the world would just end one day so we can all just go together!

[Liddy1993]

Awh bless you so sorry to hear that can’t imagine how that’s been for you. You sound like such a great person your family is lucky to have you really appreciate your reply means an awful lot to me I feel a bit better about it now coz as you said it’s because I love her so much and if I didn’t I wouldn’t be feeling as guilty or upset for thinking it. Have you ever gone to counseling? I’m seriously considering it coz I don’t wanna feel like this forever I’ve had that huge fear of people dying since I’m 15 I’m now 26 and don’t want to carry on like this forever I thought it would ease off as I’ve gotten older but it seems to have gotten worse along with every other part of my anxiety x

[MyNameIsTerry]

It could be an intrusive thought. These aim for the things we care about most which is likely your mother?

The thing with intrusive thoughts is they are not always so straight forward as to be shocking leading to fear. There can be additional elements about "perhaps it would be good?" in there which just evoke even more anxiety as they make you question whether you love this person at all and whether you are some evil person.

I went through it combined with violent thoughts. I'm not a violent person anyway and would happily give my life for my parents yet here were these thoughts. Was I some evil psychopath that had been "triggered" in my mid thirties? Nope, it was just increased levels of anxiety ramping up into OCD.

Remember what the medical professionals say about them, they are ego dystonic (opposite of beliefs) and it's rare anyone acts on them. And by act I don't mean some compulsion, I mean acting out hurting someone. You have much deeper beliefs that are extremely hard to change, like right & wrong, that easily override these thoughts.

It's just the subconscious blurting nonsense out that it is struggling to do something with. It is just asking the conscious mind "what do I do about this thought, it doesn't fit with what I'm programmed with?". Conscious mind reacts with "aaarrrgghhhh I'm scared of this thought" and subconscious mind sees that as reinforcement of importance because you didn't just shrug it off as unrequired. And therein lies the way you escape them

[Liddy1993]

Thank you! I’ve had intrusive thoughts before which were also about violence and just terrible things that I knew I’d never do so it didn’t frighten me as much as it just annoyed me or made me wonder why I was thinking those things when I wasn’t that kind of person. Makes complete sense that it would aim for my mother as I absolutely adore her and that’s what hurt more because I was questioning my love for her and they didn’t seem as crazy as the thoughts I had before so I kind of believe them if that makes sense? Will take your advice and try shrug them off because I know it does work if you don’t give them your attention they’ll fade away.. until something new takes its place 😂 thanks Terry I’m still struggling but I’m gonna screenshot your reply and take a look whenever I feel I need to and know this too shall pass. Really appreciate it.

[Lady123]

Ahh thanks Hun for your kind words. I haven’t had any counselling, some people i have spoken to about their experience said it was like opening a can of worms and they got worse before better. It scared me. I really can’t afford to feel worse! I have a little boy to bring up! Then again for some it’s really helped, defo something to consider though I can’t go on like this, in the last 6 months I’ve had fears of breast cancer, bowel cancer, throat cancer and now Vulva cancer?!? It’s exhausting

[Liddy1993]

That’s what I’m afraid of too and afraid to say half the things I’m thinking Incase I sound crazy. Eventually plucked up the courage last June to speak to my doctor and was prescribed lexipro and referred for a counseller but heard no more about it and feel a little disheartened as it took so much for me to go and also it costs €55 to go to the doctors in Ireland so I can’t afford to do that every second week. I spent the majority of my summer last here in and out and it cost me a fortune I was obsessed with skin cancer lymph node cancer hiv bone cancer and that’s just the last year alone I feel you it’s so tiring even if I have a few days that go good eventually something new pops up. Focus on doing the amazing job you’re doing with your little boy and when and if the time is right you will know! You aren’t alone I thought I was crazy then realised so many other people have to go through this and it made me feel better. Sending you love after all you’ve been through this is nothing compared you will get through it