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Thread: Hit a new all time low - please don't be like me

  1. #1
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    Jul 2015
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    Hit a new all time low - please don't be like me

    *Please feel free to remove this thread if you feel it's unnecessary*

    I really do hope that one day I can look back at this and laugh, but at the moment I am very distressed and I can't even blame my body for doing something stupid, only myself. This last week I have legitimately questioned my own sanity on more than one occasion and actually wondered whether I need to go to a mental institution. Why do I question my own sanity you say. Well what sane person would keep checking their larynx religiously just because their ocd tells them to? And I am talking about checking it internally, oh yes - they say you're never alone or 'special' and that someone else will always be going through what you are going through, but I think I'm honestly the only person insane enough to do this! I have no idea how or why this obsessive checking started or why but I've royally messed up this time. My brain was so focused on on the intricacies of my airway's anatomy that I couldn't stop, to the point where one side of my epiglottis got slightly swollen. Did that stop me? Absolutely not - I checked and checked and suddenly one morning a few days ago BAM I developed a lump on the other side that seems to be obstructing what feels like at least 2/3 of my larynx. My rational thinking is very limited and very clouded over - I most likely just made the area swell from checking or from bacteria, or created a cyst from said bacteria. Surely cancer couldn't have just appeared overnight like this? What if I didn't check enough? I've tried bargaining with myself for the last two days saying look, it's probably just either an infection or swelling, give it like a week and your body will probably sort it out. Did that work? I lasted maybe 8 hours before checking again.

    I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I don't even know whether I want to go to a doctor because what are they going to tell me after hearing all this? Please people do not be like me because look where it's gotten me to :( If anyone has any suggestions on what to do feel free to tell me but sometimes I'm starting to think that maybe I am one of those lost causes - I keep trying to get off of this dreaded rollercoaster but to no success. Talk about being your worst enemy. I really do pray that one day I can laugh this off.

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Sep 2011
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    Re: Hit a new all time low - please don't be like me

    Oh, I've been there. I spent a couple of months a few years ago constantly checking, of all things, my eyebrows. Leaving class to look in the mirror for "bald spots." Rubbing at them and crying whenever hairs came out. Why? I thought the medication I was on was going to make me lose all my hair. As if that would be the end of the world.

    It didn't - I still have my locks - and ultimately I was so scared and fed up that I went to my university's provided therapist, who then sent me on to my primary care doctor, who was concerned and sent me to a psychiatrist. They prescribed me an SSRI and clonazepam. I don't really take the clonazepam anymore and I'm starting to wean off of the SSRI. Medication + therapy + some free OCD/health anxiety workbooks online did the trick. I swear, they really did. I struggled with HA for YEARS before I finally did something about it and good lord, it worked.

    Can I ask what you've been able to access for your anxiety? Have you tried therapy, CBT, medication?
    __________________

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  3. #3
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    Jul 2015
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    Re: Hit a new all time low - please don't be like me

    Hi poppy, oh how I wish I was obsessed with something like hair instead! Problem being is my obsession probably majorly damaged quite a vital location :( I haven't checked since yesterday morning but I had a sharp pang on that side of my throat, also a dry feeling in just that side of my throat as well. Breathing seems to be OK and no pain when I cough, but I am just so worried now! I don't know how long to wait for this to go away if its just a swelling or to haul myself to a doctor. I've been to a psychiatrist twice, been to cbt for half a year and am on an antidepressant. I don't feel like there's a way back to feeling normal anymore :(

  4. #4
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    Re: Hit a new all time low - please don't be like me

    Glazed, don't you think that's just a bit insensitive? One thing I've learned over the course of several years and several dozen different obsessive health worries is that the most terrifying condition in the world is always the one that's bothering you at that moment.

    I can flat-out guarantee you that if your anxiety centred around your hair, it would distress you every bit as much as your current situation.

    The anxiety is the problem, not the bodily sensation. It's when you lose track of that that you're in real trouble.

  5. #5
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    Re: Hit a new all time low - please don't be like me

    Quote Originally Posted by BlueIris View Post
    One thing I've learned over the course of several years and several dozen different obsessive health worries is that the most terrifying condition in the world is always the one that's bothering you at that moment.
    While there is certainly validity to that, there are certain behaviors associated with that worry that are much more invasive and detrimental to one's health.

    Positive thoughts
    __________________
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    The best help is the help you give yourself! http://cbt4panic.org/

  6. #6
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    Re: Hit a new all time low - please don't be like me

    Iris yes you are most likely right it does sound insensitive doesn't it? Very sorry poppy if you're reading this I didn't mean to sound like that at all :( but yes I agree that any anxiety you feel yourself will be the worst in the world.

    Fmp yes and I feel like I've definitely gone overboard with the invasivness and am now paying the price. I do hope the price is only massive anxiety and not something sinister but the dark thoughts are ridiculously strong.

    Yet I have hand to heart not checked since Saturday. My mind is running in circles and every little pang in my throat and every cough sets me off but checking is what caused this mess in the first place :( I booked a doctors appointment but it's in two weeks - I don't know whether I'll succumb to my obsessive want to check or not, but I do hope that I don't, the swelling goes down and I forget about it and cancel the appointment - but even when I'm not checking all my head is screaming is 'that's it you're done for you created cancer yourself and all you can blame is yourself and now it's too late' and it's so, so, so difficult to manage I don't know whether it's becoming easier or harder by the day, I'm in a terrifying place and don't know what to do :( I try to distract myself when I can be but it never seems enough, I am terrified

  7. #7
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    Re: Hit a new all time low - please don't be like me

    So an update: it has officially been a week since I sincerely did not check. Most pains are gone but I still have a feeling of something sticking on that side of my throat when I swallow salive and still have my dry cough (that I know will take a long while to go away, whether self caused or not), and I am now at the stage where I am both scared to check and not to check scared that if I don't check I don't know whether the lump/swelling is still there or not, and scared that if I do check and it's still there unchanged, well self explanatory. I still have one more week until my gp appointment and I don't know how to explain this whole stupid situation. Though I did hope that not checking would get easier, but the anxiety level seems stable, so I don't know what I'm doing wrong?

  8. #8
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    Re: Hit a new all time low - please don't be like me

    So just when I think I have a nice day out and pretty much no throat issues, come evening time and suddenly that scratch on just one side of my throat comes, like tiny pins, wouldn't really call it pain but definitely a discomfort, I keep trying to swallow it down but that doesn't do much,neither does coughing. Very terrified that I've really self caused myself cancer this time and I've tried every rational approach and it's just not working :((

  9. #9
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    Re: Hit a new all time low - please don't be like me

    I get this often at night too due to post nasal drip from my sinuses...but I think we can all agree that the REAL problem here is not your throat, but your anxiety.

    If I were your doctor I'd recommend 2 things:
    1) a bag of cough drops. Pop one in when it feels scratchy, and it will probably take care of that sensation.
    2) talk to a therapist about your anxiety, and get started on a plan to work on it
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  10. #10
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    Re: Hit a new all time low - please don't be like me

    Yes you are correct about the anxiety being the problem but I also really can't ignore the fact that the anxiety drove me to obsessively check something and then have a lump form there, now I physically have something and don't know whether I have caused myself what I fear most :(
    I pretty much live off of lozenges now! But sometimes even they don't help which makes my anxiety worse. And I did go to therapy but didn't work, but I suppose I don't have a choice but to try yet again.

    I am dreading money. My cough got so bad just now that I burst either a vessel or the lump I created or whatever i. My larynx that I started coughing fresh blood. I have hit the 2 week mark of not checking and I am both proud and extremely dreading Monday now, especially after this blood coming up :(

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