Anyone else had obsessive HIV/AIDS worries?

[Olivia_H]

I get that's how the HA mind works. We're talking about taking into account the chances of that person being infected (is he still alive and does he have HIV?), being 16/17 years old at the time, being 7+ years have passed and other statistics, it's just not in the realm of possibility. But you're correct in that the mindset needs to change.

Positive thoughts and ninja viruses

He is indeed alive and well. I haven't spoken to him and asked him about this because we haven't spoken for about 6 years, but he's head of something important in his real estate firm. He looks fine and healthy.

[Lana]

Olivia,

I can freely say that I am one of those who freaks out about HIV infection all the time. Now, look at this: I have not been sexually active for at least 4 years ( and before that for almost 20 years with my husband only); during these last 4 your of "chastity", I have had 3 HIV tests: once because I drank accidentally from somebody's water bottle, once because I thought a barista spat in my coffee at Starbucks; and the third time, if I am not mistaken, because my hairstylist scratched my forehead with her finger nail ( no broken skin). And before those 4 years, while I still occasionally had sex, probably I was tested 4 times. I have never used any drugs. And - I forced my virgin son, who does not use drugs, to have it done, because I thought that somebody poked him with a dirty needle/ syringe in the street. What the heck? For the love of God, who does that?! Well, obviously I do. This is just to let you k know that there are people like you on the Forum here. All the best

[Olivia_H]

Olivia,

I can freely say that I am one of those who freaks out about HIV infection all the time. Now, look at this: I have not been sexually active for at least 4 years ( and before that for almost 20 years with my husband only); during these last 4 your of "chastity", I have had 3 HIV tests: once because I drank accidentally from somebody's water bottle, once because I thought a barista spat in my coffee at Starbucks; and the third time, if I am not mistaken, because my hairstylist scratched my forehead with her finger nail ( no broken skin). And before those 4 years, while I still occasionally had sex, probably I was tested 4 times. I have never used any drugs. And - I forced my virgin son, who does not use drugs, to have it done, because I thought that somebody poked him with a dirty needle/ syringe in the street. What the heck? For the love of God, who does that?! Well, obviously I do. This is just to let you k know that there are people like you on the Forum here. All the best

Whilst I'm sorry that you have to go through this, it is comforting to know that someone else has similar fears. As other people have pointed out, my "exposure" was done with one of the least most likely ways of transmitting HIV sexually. Did you have trouble accepting the tests too? Because even though my self-tests came back negative, I still struggle to believe it and be reassured by it. It's quite ridiculous.

[Lana]

I accepted the test results ( they were done in the clinical setting, because I would not believe home test). But, the ridiculous thing is that my "exposures" are everyday situations that billions of people get into, so, I decided that I cannot go test every single time I have this horrible OCD thinking about it. I am trying to tell myself to let go, because it is the right thing to do. As for home test, why did you go with that when you cannot believe it? Although, you definitely should. Your fears are absolutely baseless. I am not absolutely suggesting anything - but I know myself: I would go into a clinic and have it done. I know for me that would be the only reassuring thing. Which is wrong - I know, but, again, that is why I am on this forum.

I am telling you do not have it. So, either try to move on, or have a test. Do not torture yourself, that is the worst.

[lofwyr]

Statistics *can* be something to hold on to, but the anxiety brain can also find ways to say "I am the exception." I am dealing with a bout of basal cell carcinoma. It is potentially even a bad bit of it, agressive compared to other forms. But even so, the chance of metastasis is .03% to .55%. The worse case scenario, statistically speaking, is a .55% chance of it metastasizing. A 99.45% chance of not. Should I be reassured by that? Sure thing. Am I? Maybe a little, but niggling self doubt is so strong with anxiety, we find ways to make our own, self-centered thoughts the exception to the rule.

In my head here is how it went: I read the statistic. Comforted briefly, I did a little math in my head over-analyzing the statistic. Realized that out of the 5.4 MILLION cases of Basal cell every year, between 1,600 and 10,000 or so end up being serious and advanced cases. I disregard the part about most of those cases being someone of a very advanced age and/or with a seriously compromised immune system, neither of which apply to me. We find ways to make only the negative exceptions to the rule apply to us. My anxiety helps with that, thinking there has to be *someone* out there like me who it didn't end well for. I have the chops these days not go looking for those cases, because google makes it very easy to find them, but know they are there, somewhere. So now, in the back of my head, I have this catastrophic thought I *know* consciously is BS, but subconsciously, it is hard to shake or lock away. It grows, especially when I wake up in the middle of the night--that's when the dragon comes to visit me a lot.

I have literally a 300% higher chance of being killed in a car on my way to my dermatologist appointment today than I do of dying from Basal Cell carcinoma and I am not worried about that car ride in the least. There is no logic to anxiety brain, and while we have no reason to doubt statistics, our minds can find ways to do it, the same way we doubt doctors, or medical tests, even radiology reports--people who have decades of training and experience, and we can wash it away with our thought process like it meant nothing.

I know it's not quite the same as an HIV worry, but the process that leads our brain to doubting very strong statistics is the same.

If you can find ways to break that cycle of thought, therein lies a bit of peace of mind. I talked myself off the ledge a bit, taking it moments at a time. Right now, I am going to my derm appointment, and will listen to him, let him tell me what he thinks is best, then I will make my next decision and try my best to relax in between.

Trust that HIV test.

[pathtocalm]

I thought I’d add my story.
I always used to think I caught HIV somehow somewhere and panicked and had assurances from one or two visits to the clinic which came back negative.
More recently however, in the last year I kinda shared using a key in the use of recreational drugs. I know what a stupid thing to do. But I have the returned nagging feeling that I caught something serious from sharing that key.

Yuck.
And extremely stupid.