Week of hell 😞

[ScaredCaz]

Hey guys

I have been a member here for many years but I haven’t posted in a long time not because I have been ok I guess I was just trying to get on with it which I was for the most part but this week has been awful

I have fibromyalgia and health anxiety plus a couple of other things IBS and on lifelong medication because my thyroid doesn’t work

My problems started 11 years ago nearly when my 62 year old mam died suddenly of an Aortic Stenosis since that very day I have been in physical pain I remember sitting in my mams kitchen the day after she died and having chest pain and I have felt it pretty much every day since

I’ve done a lot of things to try and help myself I try and do some relaxation breathing and try my hardest to think positive but it doesn’t always work and at the minute I’m stuck on this cycle of thinking my time is up and feeling everything I imagine goes along with that

I quit smoking nearly 3 years ago and in the last 2.5 years I have lost 7st 8.5lb I am trying so hard to look after myself so that I have a fighting chance of living past my 62nd birthday unlike my dear Mam 😞

This week my anxiety has been unshakable I’ve had horrendous back ache from the back of my neck to just below my ribs this was making my arms ache which convinced me my heart was on its way out I became obsessed with the heart monitor on my Fitbit and things went from bad to worse I had a massive panic attack at work on Monday night no one knew outwardly I probably looked fine inside I was screaming like a banshee

Then again on weds I was at my local weight loss group and I had been nominated for woman of the year for the 2nd year running I was up with 7 other ladies and I had to do a little speech I was petrified I don’t like it on a regular week when she asks me how I’ve been doing in front of everyone I go hit my vision goes funny and I can barely speak feel like I’m running out of breath now she wanted me to stand up and explain why I started to lose weight I ended up embarrassing myself and had to leave the room in full blown panic mode chest pains couldn’t breath wanted to cry omg it was so embarrassing

I went docs the following day she said it was all down to my trapezius muscles and told me to take the naproxen I have been subscribed for my fibromyalgia

I haven’t actually took any yet I am trying so hard to work my way through this I have work again all day tomorrow in a way I’m glad in another way I’m scared of a repeat of Monday I only work Sundays and Mondays so haven’t been in since

Why can’t I just believe what the doc told me? Why do I feel I’m on the cusp of a heart attack any minute? I really hate this and I would be so grateful for any thoughts from anyone

Thanks so much
Scared caz

[Dying_Swan]

I'm really sorry to hear how you're feeling

First of all, a huge well done for your amazing weight loss and quitting smoking. That's an inspiration to me, and I think your Mum would be so proud.

Have you been able to grieve for your Mum? I lost my Dad many years ago now, but for various reasons wasn't really able to grieve, and a few years later developed panic disorder and later GAD. Although his death was not sudden like your Mum's, I have become a strong believer in the importance of being able to grieve. Sudden deaths are even more shocking and I think can be very traumatic. Have you had any bereavement counselling? Or therapy for your anxiety? Sometimes people aren't ready for it straight away, and it completely depends on how you feel, but maybe it would be helpful.

With regard to the panic attacks, I think it's really important not to avoid situations that make you anxious, so go into work tomorrow as planned. If you have a panic attack, that's ok and nothing bad will happen. Try to stay with it, and it will soon pass. As for the weight loss group, don't worry about it. Lots of people have strong emotions linked with weight for all sorts of reasons and no-one is going to judge you negatively for that.

Loads of folk struggle with trusting their doctors when they're suffering with HA, so you're not alone there. I would think the shock of losing your Mum so suddenly contributes a lot, but you've done such a lot to improve your health. Muscular back pain is incredibly common and doctors see it all the time. Give the painkillers a try? I know you've tried relaxation too which is fab. What about mindfulness? So learning to sit with and accept how you're feeling. Good luck.

[ScaredCaz]

Hi Dying Swan

Thank you so much for your reply and thank you for the well done on my weight loss

I am very proud of myself and on my losing weight journey it has helped me focus on something else and throw myself into it it has been therapeutic

I have tried a couple of things in the past for my grief sometimes helps sometimes doesn’t

Things are more clouded by a big family argument I no longer speak to my sister nor one of my brothers I was the closest to my mam and they couldn’t handle that anger is an easier emotion than grief so I think they will probably struggle more than me

My mams birthday has not long passed (6th August?) my husband suggested that could be a factor and I guess it makes sense

Thanks again for your kind words I will certainly look into what you have suggested

🙂 xx

[Dying_Swan]

You're so welcome. Honestly, it's an amazing achievement. Do you exercise much? I took more exercise last year and found it really helped with my mental health. It's hard to find the motivation sometimes but it does help.

Really sorry too about the family feud. I'm sure that's very upsetting and it's difficult feeling isolated from relatives. You're right about anger though. I hope that one day those relationships will heal.

No doubt your Mum's recent birthday will have added to how you're feeling, and that's ok. You're allowed to miss her and to feel sadness, and there is no time limit on that. Remind yourself of that sometimes.

I hope you have something nice planned for the weekend besides work. Maybe a treat is in order for after your shift. Something to look forward to, whatever that may be