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Thread: Feeling depressed due to turning 30 and having always been single and a virgin

  1. #1

    Feeling depressed due to turning 30 and having always been single and a virgin

    Hi everyone.


    I am a 29 year old male from San Francisco, California, USA who has never been able to have a girlfriend and am still a virgin despite not wanting to be. I turn 30 in October. Since today is the first day of September, I am naturally quite concerned that I will be turning 30 next month being in this state.


    I have always been a shy, introverted, anxious and awkward person. Perhaps I spent too much time studying, focussing my entire life up until my mid-20s on studying. I studied two degrees in university, mathematics and pre-med molecular biology, thus having twice the courseload of a regular student. I neglected my entire social life, and had no dating life to speak of. I spent basically the whole day trying to stay afloat with my studies. My only other serious hobbies were and are introverted activities, such as competitive chess and foreign languages.


    When I was around 25 I felt very lonely and sad that I still had never had a girlfriend and was still a virgin. I felt pain knowing that to be a virgin this old as a male is very taboo and looked down upon. I joined meetup groups, met some interesting people, and went on a few dates, but it seemed that women just did not like me.


    So here I am at age 29 and 11 months old, still without a girlfriend and still a virgin. I feel very depressed and enormous shame for how I am. I feel depressed as well for feeling missing out on love and sex like most males my age.


    But what really pains me is seeing and hearing comments from women that someone in my situation must be very weird to have always been single and a virgin. Especially since I am not religious, so I am not practising abstinence at all. I just simply ended up this way.


    I would like if any female members here have any opinion of this. I have lived most of my life in USA and went to uni in Britain. But my general impression was that both American and British women would find me totally undateable, unattractive and a weird freak due to being single and a virgin at almost 30. I hope my fears are not true though.


    Any advice/thoughts would be appreciated.

  2. #2
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    Re: Feeling depressed due to turning 30 and having always been single and a virgin

    Leonid,

    I can understand the social stigma behind this as from a young age it wa all about losing your virginity, dating, being sexually active or your not a real man, etc. It's one of the pressures on men (and I'm sure women too) because of how messed up society sees things just as it judges women of your age if they haven't had kids by now. I live at home with my parents due to what has happened with my anxiety disorder (I had been saving for a deposit for years and then all this happened) and at 43 telling anyone I live at home will be met with some funny looks by many people as it would be considered odd.

    I think the women who think any man of 30 is "weird" just because he hasn't had sex is the one with the strange views. Whilst it is less popular to be a virgin at you age it is not a reflection that you are not a good person or someone who could be brilliant in a relationship. But it's society that is the issue making us think we must be certain ways or we aren't successful or within what is considered normal.

    And now we have all this Incel/MGTOW stuff to contend with. This means we have some men who are bitter about women and some women generalising that all men who are virgins hold these views. It's perfectly understandable to upset over this because you want more out of your life but it doesn't mean you become what those guys often are. I say this so that you don't see all the media coverage and online activity about these subjects and think that's what everyone thinks. Your experiences have shown that some people think a certain way but it's far from all so don't fall into the traps of that crowd who generalise.

    Women are bound to wonder about, as are men, but those who are more mature will realise it really doesn't matter that much (although I understand it will be for you) and it's the person that matters far more.

    I've never been much use with dating and have always found GF's through friendship or work so I'm sure you will get better advice from others on here. I do understand some about social stigma though, as we all do on a mental health forum, and hope to show that not everyone is so bothered about sex so that you may not feel so bad about yourself right now. And you are not alone on here as we have had other threads like this and everyone is always very supportive so please don't worry how you may be perceived on here.
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  3. #3

    Re: Feeling depressed due to turning 30 and having always been single and a virgin

    I have been made fun of by both women and men for my situation, which is why I try to not publicise it as much as possible. People have suggested that I am either asexual or severely mentally ill to be a virgin this old.

    I do wonder that women here think of the situation. But my impression is that over here where I live it is not well received. The media certainly does not help at all.

  4. #4
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    Re: Feeling depressed due to turning 30 and having always been single and a virgin

    I’m an American female. I would say it’s surprising, not because you are male, but because you are not religious. Although I have met a few older, non religious virgins, one was very overweight and had body image issues...the other was very socially anxious/agoraphobic.

    i think our culture puts too much pressure on men to have sex, while women get the double standard—if they have sex too much they’re sluts, not enough they’re prudes. At least it’s nice to know you’re waiting for a good relationship.
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  5. #5

    Re: Feeling depressed due to turning 30 and having always been single and a virgin

    Well to be honest, I myself find it very odd. I am not overweight, in fact most of my life I have been underweight to average weight. I am around 178 cm and 75 kg (5'10" and ~170 lb). This issue has affected me very badly over the years. When I was 25 I became so depressed about being a virgin that I could not eat properly and lost a third of my body weight, dropping to 55 kg (120 lb).


    It is true, usually only very religious men (and women) are in my situation. But what I find ironic (and sad) is that I am not really waiting for an idealistic relationship or anything. I just ended up this way despite not wanting to. Ironic that I do not believe in abstinence at all, yet I end up being a virgin longer than a very religious man who practises abstinence. I bet most women would laugh at this situation.

    In terms of physical looks, being honest I do not find myself to be ugly. I am definitely not a 8 or 9, but I think that a 5 is at least somewhat realistic.

    In the past few years, I went on average one date per year. None leading to anything. A date with one woman per year is not very high. Perhaps I am not meeting any compatible women, but I really do not know how to rectify this given I live in San Francisco.

    I do have social anxiety. I also have generalised anxiety and OCD, in addition to being socially awkward and nervous. My mother has high functioning autism/Asperger's, and there is a possibility that I have that too.
    Last edited by Leonid_Brezhnev; 04-09-19 at 06:31.

  6. #6
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    Re: Feeling depressed due to turning 30 and having always been single and a virgin

    It’s very hard out there in the dating world for people who have no anxiety or social issues, let alone people who don’t pick up on social cues or have social anxiety. Many social cues are quite subtle, and people will feel uncomfortable or put off by others who don’t pick up on them.

    have you thought about working with a therapist on your social skills?
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  7. #7

    Re: Feeling depressed due to turning 30 and having always been single and a virgin

    Since I can remember, I always had problems with non-verbal communication, as well as picking up on non-literal communication. I am the type of person that when I hear "break a leg", I interpret it as someone wants me to break my leg, instead of wishing me good luck.

    This goes into the dating area too. It is very hard to gauge what women mean, because I take all verbal statements at face value. Nuance, metaphors, hyperbole is very hard for me to pick up. Body language is close to impossible for me to understand. And people think that I am strange because I speak straightforward with no change in tone, plus have the same facial expression no matter what I am saying.

    On the very few occasions that I go on dates (such as last week), I feel like each time I need a translator from whatever they say into "literal". Several times women made statements that I do not understand, and when I have a puzzled look, they tell me, "It was a joke." Things like this I just cannot interpret properly. My guess is that this is affecting my attractiveness, or at least what women think of me.

  8. #8
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    Re: Feeling depressed due to turning 30 and having always been single and a virgin

    So it sounds like you know what the issue is...so what are you going to do about it?

    also, I’m not a psychologist, but from your description, it does sound like you could be on the autism spectrum.
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  9. #9

    Re: Feeling depressed due to turning 30 and having always been single and a virgin

    Quote Originally Posted by AntsyVee View Post
    So it sounds like you know what the issue is...so what are you going to do about it?

    also, I’m not a psychologist, but from your description, it does sound like you could be on the autism spectrum.
    I do not know which factors are really causing this. I have friends who are quite awkward yet still have girlfriends. A solution of course is what I am working on. I do not know about how to address it.

    My mother, with her high-functioning autism/Asperger's had big social problems like me. When she knew of my problem, she once revealed to me that she was a virgin until age 27, and not by choice. Neither she nor I are religious. We just ended up this way. But she told me that since she is female, she never had to initiate in dating. Men would basically do everything for her. Since I am male, I have to be the initiator. With my problems that makes initiating much more difficult.

    There was one thing that she told me that stuck out to me though. She said that if she were male, she would probably have ended up single for life because she would never have initiated anything in dating.

  10. #10
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    Re: Feeling depressed due to turning 30 and having always been single and a virgin

    Again, I would practice with a therapist...or do you have any friends who could role play date situations with you for practice?
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