Okay, so this is not a classic success story as I am nowhere near success. However, I have decided to blog my path to success here as I think it will be helpful.
Little background, I am 34, married, with one of the best jobs in the world in my opinion, as I can work from home, just few hours a day on average. However, I suffer from health anxiety, and it's being going on for a while, probably since my teens, but it got worse since late 2012.
Some diseases I "had" : ALS, MS, PPMS, bowel, gastric, brain, penile cancer, leukemia, lymphoma, amyloidosis, focal glomerulosclerosis, HIV, Hepatitis B, C, Autoimmune Hepatitis, melanoma, nail melanoma specifically, oral melanoma, blood clots and now tonsil cancer.
I have probably even missed some diseases and not all of them sent me into a state of panic. Some where very short and I was scared just a bit, but others make me go into full panic mode, like ALS back in late 2012 when my true hypochondria started.
Let me share first what I did/am doing right now which doesn't help. I live pretty healthy lifestyle. Never smoked or drinked. Since last June, I started eating healthy and started exercising 4x week. I was very consistent with it, and although I was never fat, now I look pretty athletic, 13-14% body fat etc. They say exercise helps with anxiety, and while I see that I could be worse, I am certainly not in the place where I want to be as it doesn't prevent me from going into full panic/depression mode.
The most recent scare is tonsil/throat cancer as I realized I have HPV and I have sore throat. Normal response, you go to doctor, he says it's fine, you go back home and move on with your life. My response, I Google, first Google a tone, then go to doctors office, and when I hear term tonsil cysts (caused by chronic tonsilitis apparently) I freak out completely, Google more, then, I stop Googling and I get depressed. I am dying, so what is a purpose of doing anything. I am still able to go to gym, but I have hard time concentrating for my work, I sleep in the afternoon which I never do, and my mood is horrible. I am not sure how my wife even stands me when I am walking around the house, like someone told me I have 3 days to live.
So, this is what I want to change. I don't want to be a freaking zombie every time I get disease scare.
Exercise didn't help, as I have said, I am not sure that stopping to Google will help as well. The reason I am saying this is that I remember, 20 years ago or so, I heard someone mentioning HIV and I didn't even know what HIV is, certainly didn't have sex at that time, wasn't Googling a thing, but managed to be afraid that I have it, can't even remember why. So, without Googling, instead of having specific cancer that I am afraid of, I would probably pick some random one.
However, I don't want to be a smart ass about this, so from today I will stop Googling illnesses completely and I will record by the end of each day if I was successful.
I am going to therapist from time to time, and we have agreed that I start Lexapro 10mg from today, so I will do that as well.
I want to stop sleeping in the afternoon and also, I need to do something every hour of every day. The worst time I have is when I am not doing anything, just lying and thinking about how I am going to die.
To summarize:
- Stop Googling
- Take Lexapro 10mg every day
- Stop sleeping in the afternoon
- Do something all day when I am awake
Goal:
- Stop walking around like a zombie when panic kicks in.
- Stop whining that I am going to die
I have decided to start this blog when I am almost at my worst. Sore throat for almost 20 days with no sign of viruses and bacteria infection. It is either anxiety or cancer. So, if I manage to pull through this, without going completely depressed, I think I will be able to handle anything that future might bring.
If you have any other advice, tip, that I can try, feel free to share.
Let's begin...
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